Pirates, Ye Be Warned: Into the Vortex
by ChaosLightning13
Summary: Vortex: A swirling mass of insanity in the Bermuda Triangle where the rules of physics do not apply. Black Pearl: A pirate ship that sails into the vortex. Insanity: See Lyn Astra. Lyn: a.k.a Lightning. Pirate wannabe. The world has been warned.
1. Be Careful What You Wish For

Disclaimer: I don't own much o' anythin' in this story. Me dad owns a lot o' the crazy ideas (although most of them come from me own little head), me evil twin Friday owns Katie (who is now a major character), me brother owns Tom, me cat owns Lyn an' Gypsy, an' the Disney people own jes' abou' everthan' else. Savvy?

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A/N (5/20/04): We were watchin' Edward Scissorhands in English. Fun fun. School's out! It's summer! Yay! It still hasn't quite sunk in, though. Maybe it will tomorrow, while I'm workin' on preparin' for me birthday party. I'm havin' me sweet sixteen party on the 22nd. Which is Saturday, not Sunday. Stupid ff.net people. Anyhoo, Friday, I hope ye like this. Yer loverly surprise is in it. Happy birthday again! This is me birthday present to ye. Nice, long chapter, too. I should invite ye to me birthday party. It'd be nice to meet ye in person. Oh, by the way, the sparkler candle incident really happened. Needless to say, I was not happy. So I tol' me parents they'd better give me regular candles on me 17th birthday. An' the business with the wish upon the star really happened at one point, too. Oh, an' this chapter reveals whether their adventures really happened, in case yer still wonderin'.

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It all started with a wish. Not just any wish, though; no, this was a special wish. A double-wish, and on a Friday the 13th, no less. This was the wish: Right before she blew out all 17 candles on her birthday cake (unlike on her 16th birthday, when the candles had been sparklers that kept relighting; but this year she'd specifically requested normal candles), Lyndsay Astra wished that Captain Jack Sparrow would come kidnap her. Then, that evening, as the sky began to darken, Lyn saw a single star. "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, be kidnapped by the _Black Pearl_ tonight." That night she went to sleep in her pirate costume, with a bag containing her other pirate costumes slung over her shoulder. The one she wore consisted of a tie-dyed blue, green, yellow and purple beach sarong, a blue leafy-looking silk shirt, and a blue bandana wrapped around her head. Her sword was attached to her side, her dagger to her other side, and she was smiling and hugging a hat to her chest. Not just any hat, though; this was a special, tricorner, Captain Jack Sparrow hat—_the_ hat that belonged to the _real_ Captain Jack Sparrow.

That night, she was rudely awakened by rough hands dragging her out of bed. Or, rather, but rough hands dragging her out of a boat, but she though it was her bed because she hadn't been awake for the being dragged out of bed part. She reacted instinctively, twisting out of their grip and trying to kick her captors in very tender places of their anatomy. At which endeavor, being successful, they dropped her onto the hard deck of a ship with several strong curses. "Ow!" she exclaimed, then began cursing in several different languages, half of them made up, to rival the men. She'd always been rather interested in learning curses—and their meanings. She gave quite vivid and imaginative descriptions of the men and their relatives back several generations—none of them complimentary. Considering that her wish was coming true, her reaction was not the most wise. She was definitely off to a bad start.

One of the captors turned to the other and said, in a very familiar voice, "I don't know the meanings of half those words!"

The other replied in a voice even more familiar, because Lyn imitated it herself on occasion, "Yer right, mate. Neither do I."

Only then did Lyn realize who her attackers were: two pirates bearing a close resemblance to Will Turner and Jack Sparrow. "Oops. Sorry. Didn't realize who you were, Mr. Turner and Mr. Sparrow." She acted nonchalant, as if being dragged out of bed by nonexistent pirates was a regular occurrence.

"I warned you." That was a female pirate, standing off to the side, dressed quite a bit like Jack Sparrow and wearing a great big gold hoop through each ear.

"Killjoy," Sparrow muttered. "Don't know what you see in 'er, Trey."

"She _did_ warn us."

"Only so she could say, 'I told you so,' I'm sure."

"I think we deserved it."

"No we didn't."

_Slap!_ Lyn was back on her feet, and taking full advantage of the fact that she could hit these pirates without fear of, say, getting a referral. In fact, she need never fear getting a referral again—that day had been her last day of school, and she would graduate on Sunday.

"I suppose you didn't deserve that, either," the one called Trey said, so much like Will Turner that Lyn experienced a feeling of déjà vu.

"Of course not."

_Slap!_

"She acts like Mum does around Dad," Sparrow observed as he rubbed his cheek where Lyn had slapped him.

"I wonder why?" Killjoy remarked.

"Oh, before I forger, 'ere's yer dad's hat. I stole it from 'im a while ago." She had bit clutching the hat tightly the entire time, and no she presented it to Sparrow as if it were a crown.

"I've never seen this, an' you can't be older than I am."

She looked around, and realized that she was aboard a ship. Not just any ship; this was the _Black __Pearl__._ She'd slept through being carried out of her room, onto a boat, and then onto the ship. Not surprising, considering she'd once slept through a battle between two pirate ships. "Where's Captain Jack Sparrow?"

"Right here, love."

"But you're his son," Lyn mumbled. She was _really_ low on sleep. That was what she got for getting up at six o' clock every morning to go to school.

"I'm Jack Sparrow, Junior, temporary captain of this ship while we search for my father."

"Oh. What happened?"

What happened was another totally improbably occurrence that led to the events in this story. If Jack and Will hadn't decided to go sailing into the Bermuda Triangle on Will's ship the _Windrunner_, none of this would have happened. It still could have been prevented if Junior and the crew hadn't decided to go in after them when they didn't return. And then Katie—

"Katie?" Lyn interrupted, looking around wildly until her gaze settled on the one called "Killjoy." "Katie! I know you! You're my evil twin!"

Ahem. Katie recognized her home, and Lyn's home, and insisted that they kidnap Lyn.

"So—"

"Duck!" Killjoy Kate shouted, and they all obeyed instantly. Except Lyn. Who therefore got hit in the head with a UFO—an Ultrasonic Flying Orange. "Ow." Lyn decided that maybe if she shut her eyes this nightmare would go away. Nightmare, because Jack Senior was married, and Jack Junior and herself hadn't his it off very well. And she'd just been hit in the head with a flying orange. So she rested her head on a conveniently placed pillow—

"MREOW!"

"Sorry!"

"Awake yet, Lyn?" Katie asked.

"Aye." Lyn jumped up and balanced easily on the ship's railing, despite the rocking of the ship. The orange came back for another run, and knocked Lyn into the water. She came up spluttering. They threw her a rope and dragged her back aboard the ship.

As she got to her feet, dripping wet, she spluttered indignantly, "I got bit by a fish!"

"Fish don't bite," Katie told her.

"Yes they do! Look at that!" She held out her finger—her _pointer_ finger—which was bleeding from a small puncture. "Besides, if fish didn't bite, how would anyone every catch them?"

"Uh-oh," Katie muttered. "Lyn, do you remember out conversation about the blue monkeys?"

"The ones eating green cheese on the moon?"

"Look over there."

Over there were seven blue banana monkeys eating green cheese on a moon. The moon sort of floated through the air.

"Katie?"

"Yes?"

"Why do I get the feeling that things are about to take a tumble downhill?"

"Do I know you?" That was Anamaria, who had just noticed Lyndsay.

"Aye. Lightning Lyn Astra."

"But that was twenty years ago! You haven't aged a day."

"True. I've aged four hundred days. Say, is that the _Dauntless_ behind us?"

It was.

"Why's the _Dauntless_ pursuin' us? Other than the obvious reason that we're pirates."

"Oh, Beth stowed away on the _Windrunner_ an' Norrington thought she'd been kidnapped."

"Beth?"

"My sister Elizabeth."

"Ah. You people don' 'ave much imagination, do ye? Or a' least, yer parents didn't. What's yer name, by the way?"

"Bootstrap Bill Turner the Third. Most people call me Trey. My fiancé tells me you knew my father."

"Fiancé?"

"Katie."

"Ah. I knew 'im. Probably one of the few who knew 'im as William Turner. Everyone else just called 'im Bootstrap, or Bootstrap Bill. Good man. Good pirate. I swear, you look just like 'im."

Trey looked at Katie, who shrugged. "I warned you."

"Oh, by the way, congratulations, Katie. When's the wedding?"

"After we rescue Jack."

"Good idea. He'd be rather put out if he missed it."

Junior laughed. "Mum always says she suspects the only reason Dad showed up to 'is own wedding was so 'e could drink the rum!"

Meanwhile, the _Dauntless_ and an unspecified number of ships were drawing closer.

"Hoist sail!" Anamaria ordered, returning to the helm. "Make for the _Red Sun_!"

"_Red Sun_?" Lyn asked. That was the name she'd given to the fastest ship she'd built for her Senior/Science Project.

"Stormwind's ship," Katie explained. "Oh, you don't know about him, do ye? He's an ol' friend o' Jack Sparrow. His daughter, Samantha, is married to Captain Carter. We think the Captain was stationed at Port Royal, so he'd be aboard one o' those ships."

Lyn ran to the side of the ship and began waving her arms. "Help! Help! I've been kidnapped by pirates!"

"What are you doing?" That was Junior, who seemed to be—scratch that thought; best not to tempt fate.

"Givin' ye an 'ostage in case we can't get away fast enough."

"Oh."

Luckily, they managed to reach the _Red Sun_ before the _Dauntless_ reached them. "An' what good 'as this done us?" Lyn asked.

"Look over there."

This time the object of interest was a waterspout, which was between the pirate ships and the navy ships. "More randomness?"

"No, actually. Captain Sam Stormwind."

The storm began to grow. "Take cover!"

"Stay on deck, you scabrous dogs! We'll outrun 'em in the storm!"

Big, fat raindrops attacked the ship—literally attacked; several seemed intent upon tearing holes in the sails. "It's raining cats and dogs!" Katie observed.

Something wet and slimy splattered on Lyn's arm. She peeled it off and examined it. "Actually, it's raining frogs."

"Frogs. It's raining frogs." That was Anamaria.

"And fish. Gypsy seems to like the fish." She pointed at her sopping-wet cat, who was cheerfully leaping after the falling fish.

"It's raining fish and frogs," Anamaria said in that same resigned tone.

"Aye."

"This is all Jack's fault."

"How so?"

"He was the one who discovered Bootstrap might still be alive somewhere in this mess."

"Maybe he's a ghost," Lyn whispered. "Maybe there are other ghosts."

"Lyn?" Trey said tentatively. "Look behind you."

"Aaaaaaa!"

"Bright Havens!" exclaimed the pearly-white figure who was the cause of Lyn's terrified scream. Although, considering he was aboard the _Black Pearl_, it would have been more appropriate if he were pearly-black. "You look as if you'd seen a ghost!"

Wait a minute. "_Vanyel?_ But—but—_you don't exist!_"

"Neither does Jack, Will, or this ship," Katie remarked.

"But what about Yfandes? What about…." A dreamy look came over Lyn's face. "Tylendel."

"Luckily they're just ghosts," Katie muttered, glaring at the three of them until they decided they had pressing business in the Forest of Sorrows.

"Spoilsport," Lyn accused.

"Killjoy," Katie said, in the same tome of voice as Jack used when he said, "Pirate."

Trey was staring toward the spot recently occupied by the ghosts in disbelieve. "Did I just see Jack Sparrow's ghost sitting on a white horse? I didn't know Jack knew how to ride!"

"No, actually, you saw Vanyel's ghost sitting atop his Companion, Yfandes. And the other ghost was Tylendel, _not_ Legolas. Oh, wait, nevermind. Wrong movie." She turned to Lyn, hands on hips. "Rule number one of life in the vortex: Be careful what you wish for. You might get it."

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Wow. Five pages in Word. Nice, long chapter. Now, please leave me a review! Suggestions are welcome. Crazy stuff can be inserted into the story wherever there's room, and this story will go on for a long long while, so give me some ideas! I've already got the next two chapters ("Oh My Holy Cheese and Crackers" and "Unbloody Pirates") written out, and I'll type them up as soon as I get some reviews.


	2. Oh My Holy Cheese and Crackers

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Well, except my boom box (which I got for my birthday), my LotR music (also a birthday gift), my Toby Keith CD (yet another birthday gift), my Dixie Chicks CD (which I bought for myself two days ago), and my Alan Jackson CD (which I also bought for myself two days ago). But really, only some of the minor plotlines and crazinesses belong to me.

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A/N (5/21/04): ff.mort has been stripping my little section-separators, so I'm tryin' a different type. I'm startin' this chapter because my wonderful evil twin gave me such a long review I just couldn't help meself. Thanks, Friday!

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FridayMay13: Thanks. We'll buy Tortuga together. Maybe Katie an' Lyn could buy Tortuga in this story. Aye, he jes' gives up the treasure. 'E's met Jack afore an' 'e knows it's best jes' to surrender wifout a fight. 'Sides, Jack prolly let 'im keep some o' it, 'e prolly didn't get it all fer Jack an' Jack knew that, an' let 'im keep the rest 'cause Jack's a nice guy. They're kinda friends, or at least as much as a pirate an' a merchant captain can be friends. An' I'll think about havin' Legolas.

Sure, I should change that. Thank'ee. Hey, we're more alike than I thought. Aye, Princess eats everything. But I think Maxx is the one 'oo was eatin' the textbooks. Prolly ate that Norton Sampler that I couldn't find.

Wow, Friday, that's one whopper of a review. I'd think ye were related to Beeda who reviewed "The Legacy of War," 'cept I know who Beeda is. Man, I think this is the longest review I've ever gotten. And since I updated Legacy because o' Beeda's review, I'm at least startin' to type this next chapter for Vortex. See, I already had the first three chapters typed for Legacy.

No, that's not the surprise. Ye're goin' to love the surprise.

No, I haven't watched Edward Scissorhands before. Well, I just watched most of it in English class, but that was what I was talkin' about. Before that, Pirates was the only Johnny Depp movie I'd seen.

Well, not exactly, or actually she did cuss out Captain Jack Sparrow—Junior.

They're jes' related to "those hotties," but they're hotties themselves.

Yay. I got yer personality right. I was a bit worried about that.

I wonder why she looks like you….

I'm glad ye like 'im. Ye're goin' to marry 'im.

It is the surprise… but it gets better.

Maybe that's it.

Oh, time-space continuum stuff, more time passed for the pirates than for Lyn.

Oh, ye were kidnapped on Friday, August 13, 2004.

Ooh, yay, love yer reaction! I feel so special, I made ye so happy.

Aye, I mentioned Samantha in PYBW. An' yes, she's the main character o' DoaP.

I do like the name Toby.

Lol! The cats attack the sails.

Yes, Vanyel. No, I'm not bringin' Staven in. I might bring Legolas, though….

Elfcarii: Kohl is that stuff Jack wears on 'is eyes, as I explained in me email. It keeps the sun out o' his eyes.

Sorry 'bout the lack o' details. I'm not really good on details. But in "The Legacy of War," there are lots o' details, an' the third chapter is 10 pages in Word. Please go read an' review?

Sorry I can't get ye in fer the number o' reviews. I really would like to put ye in the story. Tell ye what. Give me suggestions o' crazy stuff to use, an' if I use any o' yer suggestions, I'll put ye in. Savvy?

Thanks abou' the good endin'. I rather liked it meself. I had it planned another way, but then I thought o' this way, an' I'm like, This is awesome, I gotta use this endin'.

Gypsy's not black, she's brown and white and black, and she looks like a gypsy. But I think Friday has a black cat. I'll have to ask her.

Mme. Calico Jack Rackham: Thanks fer complimentin' me endin'. I do tend to 'ave trouble with endin's, an' beginnin's, but the beginnin' o' DoaP is good, an' the endin' o' PYBW is good, so I'll 'ave to use that type more often

pIPPINpIRATE: There's sommat to do wi' LotR in 'ere, but not much. The One Ring is mentioned again, so be on the lookout fer that. I don' remember quite when, but it's sorta important in this story for a bit, which is why I mentioned it in PYBW.

Fireblade K'Chona: Jack does get 'is hat back. Eventually. Twenty years later. I felt kinda bad abou' that, but I really didn't want to change it.

Yes, Vanyel. A very promising start. There will be more people from Velgarth later. Made up people, but still, they're from Velgarth.

* * *

One might assume that things were much more normal aboard the _Windrunner_, since there were only three people aboard. Well, one wouldn't be too far wrong, but one would still be wrong.

It took about three days for Will to find his daughter. By then they were already in the Bermuda Triangle. "Beth? I thought I told you to stay home."

Beth's defiant stance was ruined when the next swell sent her sprawling. "I'm going to be a pirate, like you."

"What've we got here, son?" Jack asked. "That's not your daughter, is it, Will?"

"Jack, meet my daughter Elizabeth. Beth, meet Jack Sparrow."

"Captain, it's Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Jack Sparrow?" Beth asked. "Not the dread Captain of the _Black Pearl_!"

"The very same. Now, we'd better get you some clothes you won't be tripping over all the time." He turned to Will. "This is not good, mate. They probably think we kidnapper 'er."

"Probably?" Will repeated after Beth had gone to find more suitable clothes. "Jack, look at that."

"That" was the _Dauntless_ and an unspecified number of ships. Which quickly caught up with the _Windrunner_.

Beth emerged, still in her dress. "I couldn't find any—Daddy, what's the _Dauntless_ doing here?"

"They think we kidnapped you."

"But you're my father. Why would you kidnap me?"

"That's a good question," Will replied, turning to Norrington. "James, why would we kidnap her?"

"You tell me," Norrington replied, not smiling.

"I don't know. The fact is, we didn't kidnap her. She stowed away."

"Uncle Norry, you know Dad wouldn't kidnap me," Beth said sweetly. "Why, Mum would be quite upset, and you know Dad can't stand it when she's unhappy."

Norrington didn't care. He arrested the two men for piracy and took Beth aboard the _Dauntless_ for safekeeping, ignoring protests from the sailors that having women aboard was bad luck.

Shortly thereafter, the _Dauntless_ became separated from the unspecified number of ships. Not good. Even worse was when the entire crew came down sick.

"I'll help sail the ship if ya let me," Jack offered, much to Norrington's surprise. (Will's similar offer did not surprise him.)

"Why?"

"Because if the ship crashes on a reef, I'll die along with the rest of you." Because he was a good man and he had a dishonest excuse. Jack Sparrow was quite the opposite of most men, in that his real reason was altruistic, while the reason he gave to the world was self-serving.

The men, of course, complained that it was all Beth's fault, that having her aboard was bad luck. In the midst of their complaints, a sailboat full of supermodels came into view. Ironically, Jack was the only one who kept working. This time his motives were not entirely altruistic; girls tended to be impressed by hard workers. Besides, his wife would _not_ be happy if she learned he'd been distracted by a bunch of pretty young women.

One of the worst complainers spotted them first. "W-w-we-well, I-I-I s-su-suppose w-w-we c-could m-make some exceptions, eh matey?" he stuttered, puffing out his chest and trying to catch the models' eyes. His "matey" was too busy staring to hear. "Their legs are showing," he whispered, appalled."

The supermodels were welcomed aboard the _Dauntless_, and quickly swarmed up the rigging, following Jack's instructions. Complainer nudged his "matey." "See, I told ye, matey, having girls on board's good luck."

* * *

It didn't take long for the sailors aboard the _Black Pearl_ to learn what had happened to Jack and Will. The news came down the grapevine: Tobias Carter contated his wife Samantha aboard the _Red Sun_, who told her sons Toby and Sam, who shouted the news to their friends Junior and Trey the next time the ships passed near each other.

This led to the next morning, when Jack woke up to the sound of cannon fire. "I know those guns," he said happily. "It's the _Pearl_." As soon as he came on deck, the noise abated, since they could see that he'd gotten the message.

"Party's over, boys," Katie said, stepping aboard the _Dauntless_ with a pistol in each hand.

At that moment, the ships emerged from the vortex in the shadow of a Disney carnival cruise ship, the _Carnival Glory_. The tourists began pointing and shouting, and several of them got on a little party boat and came out to the _Pearl_, thinking it was part of the attraction, or that PotC was being filmed there. A few of them made it down to the hold. They thought it was a gift shop and spent a great deal of time looking for price tags. "But where are the T-shirts?" someone asked.

Lyn watched the entire scene, holding back laughter the whole time. At the end, she ran out of hiding, cutlass drawn. "Arr!" The tourists turned tail and tan, except for one.

"Nice costume, babe," he said, much to Lyn's irritation. "But what's with the sword?"

"Son," Lyn said in a patronizing tone, "I'm Lightning Lyn Astra. Savvy?"

The man looked at the sword pressed against his throat and swallowed nervously.

"Obviously not," Lyn remarked. "This is the _Black Pearl_. The _Black Pearl_ is a pirate ship. Ergo, I'm a pirate. Savvy?"

He turned and ran.

Meanwhile, Norrington had decided that he didn't need Jack's help anymore, while Jack had decided that he didn't want to be locked in a cell again. This led to Jack climbing onto the _Carnival Glory_, with Norrington chasing after him. Jack ran through several crowds, failed to lose Norrington, and eventually came to a gigantic swimming pool. Safety!

Or not. He was immediately mobbed by a bunch of girls who called him "Johnny" and asked for his signature. "Sorry, love, you've mistaken me for my brother."

"Oh, you're Johnny Depp's _brother_?" they squealed.

When he finally got rid of them and made his way to the bar, he was swarmed by another group of girls, also calling him "Johnny."

"My name is not Johnny!" he exploded. "It's Jack. Jacques, Jacob, Iacobus, Jacky, Jacqueline—oh, wait, that's a girl's name."

Then someone noticed his compass. "You have a compass that doesn't point north, just like Jack!"

"Yeah." No duh. Jack began weighing the pros and cons of banging his head against the bar. On the one hand, it would hurt. On the other, it would distract him from these people and might just make them go away.

"Are you filming, Johnny?" someone asked.

He groaned. They _still_ couldn't get his name right. "I just wanted the horizon. The horizon!"

A minute later, the bartender brought him a fancy cocktail drink, black on the bottom, blue on the top, with a little parasol. "Here's your horizon, sir! I must say, you have good taste. It's the best drink I make."

Jack banged his head down on the bar. A couple of kids took the opportunity to steal his compass, hijack a boat, and try to find the Isla de Muerta.

"What're we doing?" the slow kid, Jared, asked.

"We're going to find the Isla de Muerta," his older brother replied. "Think about it. An island covered in gold!"

"Do we have to row the entire way there?" Jared asked.

"No," Charles said as they rowed out of the vortex. "Look! The engine's working again."

The next day…

"Look! It's the Isla de Muerta!" Charles said, pointing.

"But the Isla de Muerta doesn't exist," Jared protested.

"Maybe not, but it's still a grand adventure." Charles guided the skiff toward a sandy beach near the center of the island.

"No gold," Jared remarked as he stepped onto the beach.

"Over here!" Charles called from beside a stone chest. "Help me get the lid off!"

The two boys struggled to remove the top of the chest. When the lid came off, they rested for a moment, then looked in the chest. It was full of gold.

They looked at each other, and the look said it all—but Jared said it anyway: "Oh my holy cheese and crackers."

* * *

Back aboard the _Carnival Glory_, the ship's captain now sat next to Jack, head on the bar. "What's the matter, son?" Jack asked.

"My ship won't move."

Jack debated remarking that the ship obviously was moving, or at least rising up and down. Eventually he came to a decision: he decided that he was drunk. Otherwise he wouldn't even have considered voicing such a smart-alec comment. He was drunk, and Katie was a bad influence on him.

A bit later he remembered that he still hadn't responded to the man's complaint. "Perhaps I can help."

"Say what?"

"The reason your ship can't move is that it's stuck in this bloody vortex. My ship, on the other hand, is perfectly capable of traveling inside the vortex, and is floating off to starboard. Simply run a tow-line out to my ship, an' I'll tow your ship out of here."

* * *

"It's not going to work," the first mate said. "The other ship is too small."

The captain shrugged. "It's worth a try."

* * *

After the line was secured, jack returned to the bar, leaving his son Junior to run his ship.

* * *

The _Pearl__'s_ sails filled with wind, and she sped forward as if the cruise ship didn't weight anything at all. This was quite astonishing, especially to the captain and first mate, who stood at the prow of the _Carnival Glory_.

The first mate exchanged a glance with the captain. They both looked back at the _Pearl_, sailing at top speed. Then they exchanged another glance. Again, the look said it all, but this time no one felt the need to voice it, because, well, the look said it all: Oh my holy cheese and crackers.

* * *

There! I'm done with Chapter Two! Which is also five pages in Word. The next chapter, "Unbloody Pirates," should be seven pages in Word. I'll type it up as soon as I have, oh, six reviews. One for each sheet of paper I used to write out the first two chapters.

Now, please review. If you review, I'll upload the next chapter sooner. Savvy?


	3. Unbloody Pirates

Disclaimer: I don't own PotC. Don't even own Tortuga yet, though I'm planning to buy it when I'm rich and famous. Any resemblance to real people and places is purely coincidental. Yeah, right. My ideas for this story mostly come from crazy stuff that really happened. Oh, and I don't own the fractions of moments. Those belong to Piers Anthony, with his Xanth, er, trilogy. Which is twenty-seven books long. I don't own Dweia, I am Dweia (or at least I delude myself into believing that I'm Dweia). Dweia actually belongs to David Eddings. Oh, by the way, Tearlach is really cool. I've spoken with him online. He's the bald one in Jack's crew who isn't the dwarf. Oh, and thanks to Martin, my muse of violence, for the few descriptions of the battle. I don't own Mythbusters. Mythbusters are really cool. "We're escaping from Alcatraz at Mach One!" I should use that quote in my story. Maybe they imprison the people in Alcatraz because they're pirates and no other jail can hold them. "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" belongs to Toby Keith, who is really really awesome.

A/N (5/25/04): I love this chapter. It's so funny. At least the part I can see, which is the first page. Jack and Lyn talking. I mean, it's got to be funny.

Lyn stood behind Jack, admiring him for half a moment before speaking. "Ahoy there, Jack."

Finally someone had gotten his name right! He turned to see who it was. "Oh. It's you. You stole my hat."

"Several times," Lyn agreed. "I meant to give it back to you, but you never came for it."

"Where is it now, love?"

"Your son has it."

"So you've met Junior."

"He kidnapped me. An' don' think ye can get rid o' me. I went on the account."

"You're too young," Jack stated.

"I'm seventeen!" Lyn was very proud of the fact that she was seventeen.

"You should be thirty-five."

"That's how old you have to be to be President, not to be a pirate."

"Twenty years ago you were fifteen."

"Oh. That. It has to do with the time-flow, since we live in different times. Ask Tom. He could explain it."

"I'd really rather not." Jack sighed. "Care for a drink?"

Lyn pouted. "I'm too young."

"I thought we just went over this, love."

"The law says you have to be twenty-one to drink alcohol."

"Who cares about the law?"

"He does." Lyn pointed at the bartender.

"That could be a problem," Jack agreed.

"Meow!"

"Hello Gypsy," Jack said. "You stole my hat a few times yourself, as I recall."

"Don't forget that she tried to eat it," Lyn reminded him.

"Mreow."

"She says it tasted good," Lyn translated.

Lyn wandered off in search of Junior. She began to feel faint, so she went to the edge of the ship for some fresh air. Bad idea. She fainted over the side of the ship into the water far below. Junior dove in after her, but she'd already swallowed a lot of water by the time he got her onto the _Pearl_, and she wasn't breathing. He knew CPR (though not by that name), so he used that to pump the water out of her lungs. When she woke (in the middle of the mouth-to-mouth), she immediately went into her kicking routine. But this time Junior was prepared; Jack Sparrow did not make the same mistake twice. He rolled out of the way and waited for Lyn to get to her feet before he approached her.

"There you are, Jack!" she said. "I was looking for you."

"Hell of a way to find me."

She smiled. "It's rather disappointing, actually. Me firs' kiss, an' I wasn't even awake for it."

When Jack realized his compass had been stolen, he decided to try to get it back. But first, there were more important things to attend to. Such as Trey's wedding.

"Now I don't know much about landlubber customs," Jack admitted, "but we're pirates, so this is going to be a proper pirate wedding. Trey, Katie, do you bow to uphold the duties of husband and wife, and to love each other through good times and bad?"

"I do."

"I do."

"Then I hereby declare you man and wife."

Somewhere Katie had gotten a bouquet of flowers. She threw it into the air. Junior caught it, then gave it to Lyn. Lyn began to cry. As Dweia said, "I always cry at weddings."

"Go give her a hug!" Katie hissed.

Junior protested. "She's been avoiding me for the past week."

"What do you do when a girl runs away from you?" Katie asked with exaggerated patience.

"Chase her," Junior replied automatically. Katie gave him a "duh" look. "Oh. But it's Lyn!"

"I think you like her," Katie teased.

Trey grinned. "I think he's scared of her."

Junior threw up his arms in surrender. "Fine. But if she slaps me, I'll tell her it was your idea."

As it turned out, Lyn did not slap him. The hug seemed to cheer her up a great deal—seemed, because, besides the fact that she always cried at weddings, the crying had been a sham intended to get him to hug her. What she really felt was triumphant.

They all went ashore for a good party, with drinks all around, and cake and cookies to spare. And Lyn. Not a good combination. Flushed with success, drunk, and on a sugar-high, she decided to start a food fight.

"Arr! Gotcha! Haha!" she cried, as she pegged various pirates with food. Tearlach was one of the first to join in, after Katie and Jack Junior. Soon food was flying in every direction.

There were also some party poppers with shiny metallic stuff in them. After spraying shiny everywhere, Lyn got the great idea to re-use them to launch food.

Into the chaos came Norrington and his marines. Captain Tobias Carter took a ball of mashed potatoes in the head, and immediately retaliated by throwing a handful of beans.

Norrington attempted to create order. "Freeze! You are under arrest for piracy." They all ignored him. Katie and Lyn were too busy chasing after shiny to listen.

Unfortunately, the marines got into the rum. Soon they were singing happily—and badly off-key. Worse even than Tom. They sang "A Pirate's Life for Me," which the supermodels had taught them.

"A toast!" someone called. Lyn threw toast at him. "A toast to the happy couple!"

"A toast to the captain!" someone else yelled.

"Here's to Uncle Jack!" Lyn said, to the annoyance of "Uncle Jack."

"A toast to Stormwind!" said Jack Junior. "Here's to Uncle Sam!"

"To Uncle Sam!" Lyn repeated. "Here's to the bloody United States of America!"

Only Katie understood the joke. She replied with a joke that only Lyn understood. "Jesus is bëngala. Jesus is poisonwood!"

"A song!"

Lyn, who loved country, began to sing "Born Country." Eventually everyone joined in for the chorus: "I was born country, and that's what I'll always be, like the rivers and the woodlands wild and free. I've got a hundred years of outlaw running through my blood. I was born country, and this country's what I love."

Then Lyn sang "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue," which was listed in the yearbook as her favorite song, even above the songs she'd made up; her quote, however, was her own: "Nothing is impossible, except bringing the dead back to life—and even _that_ has been done."

"Looks like the _Black Pearl_ is manned by a skeleton crew," someone remarked.

Katie, Trey, Lyn, and Jack (Junior) decided to go tell Katie's sister Lisa the happy news. The problem was, Lisa was at school.

"Weapons are not allowed at this school."

"Tha's too bad," Lyn slurred.

"Are you drunk?"

"What makes you think I'm drunk? In their wake they lea'e des'uction, mate. I on'y had four d'inks, but Im' hol'in' up siss finners."

"Who are you?"

"Lyndsay Astra, at yer service."

"_Captain_ Jack Sparrow is the name."

"Killjoy Kate Adams," Lyn introduced her friend.

"Turner."

"Turner, sorry. And her _husband_, William Turner."

"Is this some sort of joke?"

"Pirates!" Katie exclaimed.

"We're pirates," Lyn said.

"No, I mean Barbossa's pirates."

"Where?"

"Over there. Attacking the school."

"Bloody pirates."

Most of the students ran screaming away from the pirates. A few ran screaming toward the pirates. "Bilge rates!" Lyn's brother Tom yelled as he prepared himself to fight. He'd been in martial arts for the past year, and was an orange belt, like his sister. Lyn tossed him her extra sword. She used her other sword to chop off the head of one of the pirates. He didn't bleed. "Unbloody pirates, then."

Nick appeared, riding a golf cart, holding half a pair of hedge-clippers in each hand. He had some bright orange outdoor heavy-duty extension cord he was using as rope to strangle the pirates. He dropped the clippers and picked up a shovel, which he used to bang a pirate over the head.

Then Lisa appeared, dragging Charles and Jared. Katie took Jared, grabbed the medallion, and shoved him toward Trey. Jack took Charles. He had Charles's medallion in his glove thingy.

"Parley!" Katie demanded, holding up the medallion. She and Barbossa's pirates left.

Lyn turned to Lisa. "Katie wanted to tell you that she got married."

"Really? To whom?"

"William Turner the Third."

Lisa laughed. "Bet she's on Cloud Nine. Say, what're you going to do about them?" She indicated Charles and Jared.

"Take 'em to the Isla de Muerta. We'll need to steal a boat."

"The Yacht Club," Tom suggested. "Lyn, you can drive."

"Lisa can drive," Lyn said.

"Sorry. I can't miss any more school."

"We can use my car," Nick offered.

They dragged Charles and Jared to Nick's car. "Tom, you drive. I'm drunk."

Twenty minutes later…

"Is it just me, or are there police cars following us?" Nick asked.

"Hit the gas!" Lyn shouted.

"Let me go, you filthy scum!" Charles commanded.

Trey hit Charles over the head, which knocked him unconscious.

"Watch out for that tree!" Lyn's voice was shrill.

"I can see it just fine! I'm not blind!"

"Oh yeah? Then why do you need glasses?"

"I _don't_!"

"Tom, turn the car! We're about to run off the road!"

"Hey, this is fun," Tom remarked. "Is there any way we can attach rockets to this thing?"

"I'm sure there is," Lyn said through clenched teeth. "The Mythbusters attached rockets to a car."

At the Yacht Club, they all ran out of the car and piled into a little sailboat. Jack and Trey took out the mast and waited for the police boat to catch up. They all jumped onto the police boat and pushed the police into the water. Tom took the Captain's chair and drove the boat away from the dock.

The engine stopped as soon as they entered the vortex.

"What do we do now?"

"That's what the mast is for."

They tied Charles and Jared to the mast for stability.

"Who are you?" Jared asked.

"Pirates."

"You can't be!" Charles said. "I recognize you. You're Lyndsay and Tomas and Nick."

"Lightning Lyn to you, son. An' this is Tornado Tom."

"Cap'n Jack Sparrow's the name."

"I thought Tom was the captain," Nick remarked.

"You're not Jack," Charles asserted. "I know 'cause I've seen 'im."

"That's nice," Jack said. "Ever thought there might be more than one Jack in this world? On second thought, ye prolly never thought at all."

"Where are you taking us?" Jared asked in a small voice.

"To the Isla de Muerta," Lyn replied. "We're going to sacrifice you to the Aztec gods."

"You wouldn't!"

"Pirates."

"You can't," Charles said confidently. "You can't find the island."

"Yes we can."

"You don't have to compass."

"Yes we do," Nick said, holding up said compass.

Lyn began to laugh. "Pickpocket."

Nick bowed with a flourish—and fell on his face as a wave caused the boat to lurch.

Katie climbed aboard the _Black Pearl_ and headed immediately for Captain Barbossa. "Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against the school. Means I want you to put the school to your rudder and ne'er return."

"No."

"Do as I say, or I'll drop the medallion."

"What's your name?"

"Kathleen Turner."

The next few minutes were basically a repeat of the movie—or prepeat, from Barbossa's viewpoint. Then things started to differ.

"... second, you must be a pirate for the pirate's code to apply—"

"I am a pirate, mate."

Barbossa glared at her. "And _thirdly_, er…."

"I'd give you a minute to thing of something, but it would probably take longer than that for you to learn how to think," Katie said sweetly. "So I'll give you an excuse for keeping me on board: the Code is more guidelines than actual rules."

More time passed.

"The captain requests that you dine with him tonight."

Katie smiled. "Well, you may tell the captain that I am disinclined to acquiesce to his request. Means 'no.'"

As the _Pearl_ was about to go through the vortex, Katie reclaimed the medallion, stole a rowboat, and got away. The _Pearl_ went into the vortex and disappeared. Katie rowed to the Isla de Muerta, where she found Nick, Tom, Lyn, Junior—Jack Junior, sorry Lyn (I don't know what's gotten into her)—and Trey. Charles and Jared were cowering in a corner, having already been "sacrificed to the Aztec gods." Katie threw the medallion into the stone chest and the idiot kids were allowed to leave in the motorboat—might as well let them take the blame for stealing it, after all. A bit later, Jack's _Pearl_ showed up, and they told him not to worry, they'd already reclaimed the compass.

"Actually," Nick said, "I think I'll keep it."

"You forget, mate," Lyn said, "I had practice stealin' when I was in Tortuga. I have the compass now."

"Just hand it over, love," Jack said. "You can steal it again later."

Wow. Seven pages in Word. About what I expected, actually, but still. Wow. This is one whopper of a chapter. Please review. In your review you may leave suggested scenarios for later chapters. Any new ideas would be welcome.

Fireblade K'Chona: Er, I'm not exactly sure who Sunsinger and Shadowdancer are. I just know they have to do with Velgarth. Hmm, Martians would add to the insanity. Maybe they could come on the _Enterprise_. Or maybe the _Enterprise_ could fight a Martian ship. In fact, I'm having one Martian come in, oh, Chapter 6.


	4. A Red Sun Rises

A/N (5/27/04): I'm just a bit bored, so I decided to type up the next chapter o' this story. I sorta need to make it up as I go along, 'cause I just have an outline, not the whole chapter written out. Hopefully I'll get more people reviewin' soon.

* * *

The _Red Sun_ was floating near the edge of the vortex, waiting for an unwitting ship to come into the danger zone. Soon enough one did: a private yacht drifted into the vortex. As soon as the engine cut off, it began to call for help. Not that that did it any good, because the radio it was trying to use didn't work either. So it began yelling at the top of its lungs. Not the people; the yacht itself. Crazy things happen in the vortex.

The fact that a ship was screaming gave the pirates pause for a moment, but Stormwind Sam, Captain of the _Red Sun_, was crazier even than Captain Jack Sparrow. "After 'em, ye feckless pack of ingrates!" he told his crew.

As the _Red Sun_ pulled alongside the yacht, Norrington and his unspecified number of ships arrived. Perhaps one of them was even named the _Norrington_; I don't know. More likely, though, that ship was named the _Governor Swann_.

Somehow, either the radio worked for about two thirteenths of a moment, or someone in the Coast Guard heard the ship's screams, because shortly thereafter the Coast Guard arrived.

"We have everything under control," Norrington assured the Coast Guard, which was good, because the Coast Guard guns wouldn't work in the vortex. Or it would have been good if Norrington actually had everything under control.

"What the hell are British ships doing in American waters?" one of the Coast Guard marines demanded.

"This is British territory!" Norrington protested.

"Not for the past 200 years," said the marine, giving Norrington a look reserved for people who are incredibly thick—gurhurtmabobs, as Lyn's AP Government teacher would say. The look said, "What planet are you from?" And, since they were in the vortex, the look actually said that.

Norrington gave the marine an incredulous glance. "Did that look just talk to me?" he demanded. "Ugh! First cursed pirates, and now this!"

Samantha smiled. "It's the vortex. It makes things go crazy. My sort of place."

"Actually, it's Spanish territory," Murtogg asserted, and Norrington groaned.

"Should we blow it up?" Samantha asked rhetorically. "It's such a pretty boat."

"That it is, love," her son Toby replied. "That it is."

Somehow, the Coast Guard ships managed to get the _Red Sun_ under guard, after being told by Norrington that it was a pirate ship.

"For your information, I'm from Earth," Norrington told the look, just a bit late.

The marine gave him another look that said, "What planet are you from?"

"I just told you," Norrington replied, "I'm from Earth."

"Put him under guard, too," the Captain of the Coast Guard ordered.

"Bit hard, that," Captain Tobias Carter replied. "After all, he has all these ships under his command. Not to mention the, er, what did you call them? Ah, yes, supermodels."

Said supermodels posed and preened in front of the men of the Coast Guard. Said men were so dumbstruck that Norrington and his unspecified number of ships were able to get away. The women of the Coast Guard sighed and rolled their eyes. "_Men!_"

While said women were busy rolling their eyes, Samantha jumped ship and gave one of said women a hard rap over the head with the non-business end of her pistol. Said woman fell to the deck of the ship, unconscious. Samantha dragged her into a cabin and stripped her of her uniform, then put on the uniform herself. She jumped ship again, just in case anyone on this ship recognized the uniform. Then she went to the control room—and almost gave up hope. She had utterly, completely no idea in the world how to operate those controls. "When in doubt, experiment," she said philosophically. Unlike Lyn, she was not technophobic. Of course, that could have been because she didn't know just what sort of disasters she might cause by pressing the wrong button.

So, Samantha began to experiment. She pressed buttons and pulled levers until the ship came to life. It began to move, rather quickly in fact, and toward the _Red Sun_, as Samantha saw when she ran onto deck. She ran back into the control room and pulled more levers until she felt the ship change direction.

Samantha dove off the ship and swam toward the _Red Sun_, which was already moving away. She pulled on the water as hard as she could. She managed to get to the _Red Sun_, then had to climb onto the deck all by herself.

"Oops," her son Sam said. "Didn't notice ye were missin', mum."

Samantha rolled her eyes. "It seems I have underestimated the intelligence of my allies," she remarked.

* * *

Oh, this is a short chapter. That's sad. But I suppose I did a pretty good job with it, turning half a page on notebook paper into two pages on Word. I suppose I'll just have to try to make the next chapter a good length, eh? It should be nice an' long. Next chapter is cool. It has the Ring in it. Hehe! I'm rereadin' what I wrote fer chapter 5 an' it's real funny. So review, the more reviews I get the sooner chapter 5 comes up. If I get 3 reviews, it'll prolly be up tomorrow. Two reviews, an' I might get it up the day after. One review, an' I think I'll get it up three days from now. Savvy?

* * *

Ooh, I've got another contest to get y'all into this story! See, I don' really like the title fer this chapter, so come up with a better title than "The _Red Sun_" an' I'll put ye into the story.


	5. One Ring to Rule Them All

A/N (5/27/04): This is a fun chapter! I really like this chapter. Maybe Elfcarii will appear in this chapter. Prolly not, but I dunno. I can't finish it until tomorrow, 'cause I still have to get me brother's explanation of time travel, which will prolly include warp drive an' a whole lot o' other Star Trek nonsense, but hey, it annoys Jack.

Whoops, forgot to reply to reviews in the last chapter!

Fireblade K'Chona: Sure, I can put Lavan in. I suppose. I'll see if I remember.

Elfcarii: I like shiny too. Don't worry, there's enough for everyone. And there's sugar to spare. This is definitely after PotC, but it's a prepeat for Barbossa, meaning the vortex transported him forward in time from (for him) before PotC. Ask Tom. He could explain.

Yep, yer in, prolly in the next chapter. Yay! Now lessee if more people actually read this an' participate in the contest.

Whoops, forgot the Disclaimer last chapter as well! Anyhoo, I don't own the song lyrics, I just memorized them. Actually I got them from websites because that took less time than typing them out, but I still memorized them or I wouldn't put them here, because for Lyn to sing them she had to've memorized them. I realized the other day that I own Jack Junior! Woohoo! That's about all I own in this story. Actually, I did make up the "Proud to Be a Buccaneer" song, but I don't own the music—it's a parody of "God Bless the USA." Don't blame me—it's my sister's fault! She wrote this "Proud to Be a Republican" song for her away message.

It was just another normal—or not-so-normal—day in the vortex, with the _Black Pearl_ sailing innocently—or not-so-innocently—before the breeze, when all of a sudden a piece of electronics—it might have been an electron microscope, for all Lyn knew—landed smack-dab in the middle of the deck. That's the sound it made: _smack-dab!_

"What was that?" Jack asked. That would be Jack Junior, but Lyn didn't like calling him Junior.

"That was the sound of a machine landing on the ship," Tom explained.

"What's this?" one of the pirates—the dwarf, Zhao—asked. He pushed one of the buttons and the device fell apart.

"No! Stop! Not good!" Tom shouted, pushing Zhao out of the way. The dwarf rolled across the deck, got up, and dusted himself off indignantly. Tom stuck out his tongue in concentration as he put the device back together. Then he pressed "start." The device began to vibrate. The pirates freaked, fleeing in every direction until they came to the rails of the ship or the top of the masts.

Lyn walked over to "Uncle Jack." Jack (Junior) watched the way she walked, admiring her thin frame and her swaying walk. She could almost be a boy, but he didn't care. She was lovely. "Oh, Tom, Uncle Jack was wonderin' about the time travel stuff. Mebbe ye can 'splain it to 'im," Lyn said.

Uncle Jack looked a bit furious. "No, that's really alright, Tom. I really don't need to know," he said a bit desperately.

Tom explained anyways. "Wormhole time travel depends on two things. One is wormholes have some mass, and the mass is very concentrated. So, if you go into a wormhole at an angle, you'll slingshot around that mass, and so that makes you travel through time."

"Who cares about wormholes?" Katie asked. "They're out in space."

"There's random quantities of chronotonic particles throughout space," Tom replied. "And so, if you run into a high concentration of these particles, you'll travel through time. Warp drives can be used to concentrate these particles into a small area. Therefore warp drives can be used to travel through time. In the vortex, there are large amounts of these chronotonic particles, so there is a high probability that you will be displaced in time."

"Whoa, run that by me again," Jack Junior said. "What exactly are chronotinic particles?"

"Please, no," Uncle Jack begged. "My head hurts. You're giving me a hangover!"

"Chronotonic particles are small particles that consist of matter and energy that is focused at the frequency that matter needs to be transported through time. So, if you have enough of these particles, you can transport a large mass through time. But if you don't have enough of these particles, the mass will hold itself together, and prevent itself from being transported through time.

"There's also another way to time-travel," Tom continued. "If you slingshot around a large mass, such as the sun, you'll travel through time, and depending on which way you slingshot, you'll travel more or less or forwards or backwards, though those physics are a bit too complicated for you people to understand. And so if you slingshot around, you accelerate to a very high velocity, but then gravity keeps you within a certain radius of the mass, and so the body that you're trying to transport through time has to eventually go somewhere, but it can't go away from the large mass, but it can transport through time, and so the closer you are to the large mass, the more you're transported through time. Perhaps that's what's happening in the vortex; it circles around a large mass in the center and slingshots people through time."

Uncle Jack got Tom back by asking Lyn to sing. Lyn was only too happy to oblige.

"If tomorrow all the loot were gone I'd stolen on this run,

An' I had to start again, with jes' me captain and 'is son,

I'd thank my lucky stars that I was on this ship today,

'Cause the flag still stands for freedom, an' they can't take that away!

An' I'm proud to be a buccaneer, where at least I know I'm free,

An' I won't forget the captain brave, who gave that right to me,

An' I'd proudly stand up next to you an' defend 'er out at sea,

'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this ship, a pirate's life for me!

From the taverns of Tortuga, to the slums of Port Royal,

Across the waves that take us where seagulls wheel an' call,

We'll sail to that horizon, in good spirits all the way,

'Cause there's pride in every buccaneer 'eart, an' it's time we stood to say:

I'm proud to be a buccaneer, where at least I know I'm free,

An' I won't forget the captain brave, who gave that right to me,

An' I'd proudly stand up next to you an' defend 'er out at sea,

'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this ship, a pirate's life for me!"

"I love this song!" Uncle Jack said.

"Lyn, you have a lovely voice," Jack told her.

"Really bad eggs!" Lyn exclaimed, earning her an odd look from Jack. Then she sang Alan Jackson's "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere."

"Excellent!" Jack exclaimed. "Let's hear another."

Lyn thought for a bit, then began to sing Toby Keith's "American Soldier."

"Lyn," said Tom, "am I seeing double?"

"Don' see why ye should be," Lyn said with a frown. "Yer not drunk. Oh, ye mean Jack Junior! Tom, meet Captain Jack Sparrow, Junior. Jack, meet me brother, Tom."

Jack bowed with a flourish. "Delighted to make your acquaintance, ol' chap," he said.

"Er, nice to meet you," Tom replied.

"Tom, did ye say?" Jack asked. "Not Tornado Tom! But I've heard so much about ye."

"What're you doing in our time?" Tom asked. Everyone semi-understood him, now that he'd explained the time travel, even though thinking about the explanation made their brains hurt.

"We were looking for Bootstrap Bill Turner the First."

"You'll never find him," Tom said. "He got squashbuckled."

"I thought it was smushbuckled," Lyn said.

"Well, that too," Tom agreed. The sun almost fell out of the sky in shock. Tom was actually agreeing with his sister!

"Smushbuckled?" Jack asked.

"You probably don't really want to know," his father told him. "This is one of those things best left not understood."

"I think I want to know," Jack insisted.

"'E was smushed into fine powder by the crushing black oblivion of Davy Jones' Locker," Lyn explained.

"Say, where's Lisa?" Katie asked.

"She said she couldn't miss any more school," Tom said.

There was a long silence. Lyn began to get bored. She decided to play a the old "Speaking of…" game, where they'd say "Speaking of…" then something random. "Speaking of roads…" Lyn began.

Katie took up where Lyn left off. "You know the saying, "All roads lead to Rome"? Wouldn't that mean that all roads also lead away from Rome?"

"Who cares about Rome?" Tom asked. "Rome fell."

"It was Latin's fault." Lyn grinned at all the uncomprehending glances she received. "Latin is a dead language, as dead as it can be; first it killed the Romans, an' now it's killin' me."

"But Latin didn't fall with Rome," Katie said.

Lyn noticed that Jack was staring at her chest. "Jack, why're ye starin' at me chest?"

"I was wondering about your necklace," he replied.

"It's a Ring," Lyn said happily.

"Yes, love, I can see that."

"Then why did you ask?"

"Why are you wearing it around your neck?"

"It's _the_ Ring," Lyn said condescendingly. "The _One_ Ring. You know,

Three Rings for the Elven-kings, under the sky,

Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,

Nine for Mortal Men, doomed to die,

One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,

In the land of Mordor, where the Shadows lie.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,

One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,

In the land of Mordor, where the Shadows lie."

"So?" Jack asked.

"So if I wear it on my finger, it makes me invisible. Which is why I'm wearin' it on a necklace. So ye can admire me. Besides, it changes size, so it's best to wear it on a chain so I don't lose it."

"Lyn, it's fake," said Tom. "It's a cheap ring you got on a bookmark."

Lyn looked offended. "No it's not! This is the real Ring, the one that cost over a hundred dollars. My Precioussss! Gollum, gollum." She stuck her finger through the Ring and disappeared. "Hey, it really makes me invisible! Nanny nanny boo boo, you can't see me!" She pranced around the ship, poking people randomly. Then she snuck up behind Tearlach and yelled, "Boo!" Tearlach jumped. Next she snuck up in front of Jack and yelled, "Boo!" Jack didn't jump.

"I saw yer shadow, love," he explained.

Three pages. Better than the last chapter. An' this is without Tom's explanation. So maybe by the time I get me brother to do his explainin' thing, it'll be four pages. But I doubt it. I think I'll go add another song, then. Mesa likes songs. Yay! Four pages! Almost five. Much better. I should go add another song, just because I love songs. An' because Jack loves to hear Lyn's voice. Yippee! Five pages. Woot! Six pages now. Much much better. Mesa likes songs a lot. Now it's a good "Into the Vortex" chapter. No Elfcarii, though. But then, there were no random people appearing. I thought that was this chapter, but apparently not. Prolly chapter 6, 'cause that's where random people start appearin'.

A/N (4/29/05): I don't care what the ff.mort people say about song lyrics, I've taken out most of them, I'm leaving in the Rings poem because I like it, and Lyn was reciting it. Stupid, really. It's not like I'm claiming I wrote it, or getting money off of it.


	6. Visitors from Valdemar and a Martian Man...

Into the Vortex Chapter 6: Visitors from Valdemar and a Martian Maniac.

A/N (6/10/04): The original title was "Visitors from Valdemar," but then Elfcarii got into the story because she came up with the title "Drunk Lightning" for the chapter that was previously "You Stole My Hat for want of a better title" in "Pirates, Ye Be Warned."

A/N 2 (6/10/04): I just returned last night from West Point. I had great fun there. We even got to go to Camp Buckner and train with the 101st Airborne Division. I got to shoot a Howitzer.

Disclaimer: I don't own the cadence. I learned it at West Point. I don't own anything from Valdemar. Well, actually, I think I own Lyndsay, and my evil twin probably owns Bard Woggle because she's based off Friday. Elfcarii of course owns her character. Hey, I should start selling these part-shares in my story. Er, the "So I said to myself" stuff belongs to my Chemistry teacher Mr. G. He is the most awesome Chem teacher ever. Er, oh yeah. I don't own Uncle Jack, but I do own 'is son. Woot for me owning Jack Junior! Yay! The interruptions are actually thanks to my brother.

            As usual in this story, the _Black Pearl_ was floating somewhere in the vortex in the Bermuda Triangle. At least it was floating, rather than sinking. Which was definitely a good thing. Lyn was muttering something under her breath about floating around in boats and doing God knows what with goats.

            "Lyn, what are you saying?" Katie demanded of her friend.

            "It's a cadence I learned at West Point," Lyn explained. "It goes like this: 'Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Navy.'

            "'In the Navy!'

            "'Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Navy.'

            "'In the Navy!'

            "''Cause they float around in boats, doing God knows what with goats—.'"

"Doing God knows what with those boats," Tom interrupted.

Despite the interruption, Lyn continued, "'Oh there are no airborne rangers in the Navy.'

            "'In the Navy!'

            "'Singing glorious, victorious, one keg of beer for the four of us. Singing glory be to God that there are no more of us, 'cause one of us could drink it all alone. Damn near. Pass the beer. To the rear. Of the company. Hey!'"

            "Interesting," Katie said, hoping to keep Lyn from continuing, because Lyn showed every sign of doing just that.

            It didn't work. "'Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Air Force.'

            "'In the Air Force!'

            "'Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Air Force.'

            "'In the Air Force!'

            "''Cause they teach 'em how to fly, then they crash an' burn an' die, oh there are no airborne rangers in the Air Force.'"

            "Then they do God knows what with those airplanes," Tom added.

            "'In the Air Force!'" Now Lyn did stop, although there was still another verse that she knew.

            "Um, Jack?" Trey said. He'd been looking around the ship to avoid having to pay attention to Lyn's singing/chanting of the cadence.

            "Yes, Trey?" Uncle Jack said.

            "What's a horse doing aboard your ship?"

            "I don't know, son," Uncle Jack said absentmindedly. "Wait a minute. There's a _horse_ aboard my ship?!"

            _:Actually, I'm a Companion,:_ the white not-horse said.

            "Great," Uncle Jack muttered. "Now I'm hearing voices."

            "You've always heard voices, Jack," Lyn said. "Yer not deaf. I think."

            "Would anyone care to tell me where that bloody horse came from?" Uncle Jack demanded.

            "Companion," a girl who could have been Lyn's twin—but not her evil twin—corrected. "An' she was born in the Companion's Field in Valdemar."

            "Where did _you_ come from?" Uncle Jack demanded.

            "Lake Evendim," Lyn-twin replied.

            "You look like Lyn!" Uncle Jack said after squinting at her for a moment.

            "I am Lyn," Lyn-twin replied. "'Ow did ye know me name?"

            "There are _two_ of you now?!" Uncle Jack demanded, horrified.

            "But—but--_I made you up!_" Lyn protested. "_You're not supposed to exist!_"

            "I think, therefore I am," Lyn-twin replied, unperturbed. "In'n that right, horse?"

            "You called it a horse!" Uncle Jack said triumphantly. "So it is a horse."

            "_She_ is a _Companion_, and if ye call 'er a horse she'll kick ye. She won' kick me, though." Lyn-twin frowned, then laughed. "She jes' tol' me t' consider meself kicked." She looked around at the pirates. "Say, this is a pirate ship, innit?"

            "Aye," Lyn replied, with the oddest sensation that she was talking to herself. Not that she minded; she talked to herself all the time. ("So I said to myself, 'Self….' Then Self said to me….")

            "Damn," said Lyn-twin. "Moral dilemma. I'm a Herald, so I should turn ye in, but then, I never did want to 'ave t' fight pirates. Damn."

            "Lightning," Lyn said, "why don' ye change out o' those oh-shoot-me-now Herald's Whites, eh? An'—I'll innerduce ye to the crew. This 'ere be Captain Jack Sparrow. I call 'im Uncle Jack. An' 'is son, Jack Junior. Keep yer 'ands off Junior, 'cause 'e's mine. An' Trey 'ere—that'd be Bootstrap Bill Turner the Third—belongs to Katie o'er there—Killjoy Kate. Me evil twin. An' she really is a party pooper—I swear she's an undercover agent for the Fun Police."

            "My secret has been revealed," Katie said dramatically. Lightning laughed in appreciation.

            "'Ere's Gibbs, an' the lady o'er there is Anamaria. The dwarf is Zhao, an' the bald one 'oo's not the dwarf is Tearlach. Tearlach is awesome. Really great guy. I'm Lightning Lyn, jes' like yerself, but ye can call me Lyn an' we'll call ye Lightning. Should work okay."

            "Call me Herald Lyndsay," Lightning suggested.

            "Sure. Herald Lyndsay. Bit of a mouthful, but oh well. At least I won' be turnin' 'round too often when people are talkin' to ye." Maybe it was the fact that she was already on a nonexistent ship full of nonexistent pirates, but Lyn seemed to be taking the fact that she was speaking with a character she made up in stride.

            Some music floated toward them across the ship. Although how anything can float on a floating ship is beyond me.

            "Where's that music coming from?" Jack asked.

            "Er—I don't know." Lyn cocked her head to try to determine the origin of the music.

            "I don't know either," said a flame-haired boy. Herald Lyndsay recognized him as Lavan.

            "Lan!" Herald Lyndsay exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

            "I think I died and went to the Havens," Lavan replied.

            "It's me, Bard Woggle," said a figure in Bardic red. This newcomer could have been Katie's twin—even Katie's evil twin—although how an evil twin could have an evil twin is also beyond me. "I'm from Valdemar, but I've traveled all over Velgarth. I'd say we were in Lake Evendim, but it's far too warm. So. Were are we?"

            Lyn gave Bard Woggle a sardonic smile. "You have been transported to the world called Earth—so imaginative, aren't we, naming our world 'Dirt'—and are aboard the pirate ship _Black Pearl_ somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle off the coast of Florida. We're pirates, an' if ye don' like that, then too bad."

            "What about the Herald over there?" Bard Woggle asked. Surely no Herald would be aboard a pirate ship. Although she thought she recognized Herald Lyndsay, who was notorious for her pranks. Even after she achieved full Whites.

            Lyn looked at Herald Lyndsay. "Um, we don't know what to do with her. An' she doesn't know what to do with us, so we're square."

            "Who's square?" someone asked. "Or can I see you? Because if you're square you're only two-dimensional, so you really can't be seen. Or are you cube?"

            Lyn laughed. "That would be cubic." She paused a moment, studying the newcomer. She had coppery hair that came down to mid-thigh and was braided. Her skin was pale. She had blue-green eyes—no, they were completely green; why had she thought they were blue-green? She looked slightly bewildered. Well, more than slightly, actually. She was significantly shorter than Lyn—there was about a foot's difference in their heights. She wore a loose t-shirt and jeans. "I like you," Lyn declared. "What's your name?"

            "Kyra," the girl replied. "Where am I?"

            Lyn gave her whole spiel about exactly where she was, including the world. If she sent Lyn a look that said "What planet are you from?" for telling her what planet they were on, she'd just reply that she was from Omalya.

            "Earth?" Kyra asked. "How did I get _there_?"

            "Prolly the vortex," Lyn mused. "It does really weird things. At the moment it seems to be programmed to pull people here from other planets. By the way, what planet are you from? Velgarth?"

            "What the hell is Velgarth?" Kyra asked.

            "Nevermind. Just tell me what planet yer from."

            "Why, Mars of course."

            "So yer a Martian."

            "Do I look green and bug-eyed to you?" Kyra demanded. "Do I have three legs? How would you like to be called a terrarium?"

            "A terrarium is a type of cage," Tom began didactically. "It's like an aquarium in that it is a glass or plastic, open-topped box, but it holds earth, not water. It's used to house reptiles, usually. The proper term for a resident of the planet Earth—Terra—is a Terran. A Terran can also be called a Tellurian, because another name for Earth is Tellus." Tom nodded emphatically. "Sometimes Terrans are also called Earthlings," he added.

            "Thank ye, Tom," Lyn sighed.

            Uncle Jack rolled his eyes. "It's your fault, Lyn. Getting him started with that explanation of time travel. Honestly, haven't you ever heard of common courtesy? On second thought, you probably have not."

            Lyn smiled brightly. "I've heard of it. I never really understood the concept."

            "Say," Tom said brightly. "Maybe I should explain it again for our guests."

            "I don' think he understood it either," Lyn remarked.

            By this time Kyra's eyes had changed back to blue-green, although Lyn wasn't exactly sure, because they were more green than blue. The poor girl still looked rather confused.

            "Oh, sorry. I forgot to innerduce ye to the crew. I'm Lightning Lyn Astra. This is me brother, Tornado Tom. 'E's rather into science an' all, so 'e likes to explain things, like time travel. This is me friend, Nick. An' 'ere's me evil twin, Killjoy Kate. This be Captain Jack Sparrow—I call 'im Uncle Jack—an' 'is son, Jack Junior. Jack Junior is mine, so keep yer 'ands off 'im." Lyn noticed that Kyra was looking at Trey.

            "Who's he?" Kyra asked, bright-eyed. She had the "eye candy" look written all over her.

            "That's Bootstrap Bill Turner the Third. 'E belongs to Friday—Killjoy, I mean—an' she'll kill ye if ye so much as look at 'im the wrong way. So keep yer eyes to yerself. Er, the one 'oo looks like me is 'Erald Lyndsay. Bloody 'Erald. Dunno what she's doin' on a pirate ship. Blame it on the vortex. Ye can tell 'er apart from me 'cause she wears them oh-shoot-me-now 'Erald's Whites. The one 'oo looks like Katie—that'd be Killjoy Kate—is Bard Woggle. Ye know, me dad useter call me Woggle. I dunno why. Anyhoo, Woggle an' Lyndsay are from Valdemar in the world o' Velgarth. Er, everyone, this is Kyra."

            "Hi," Kyra said. She waved at them. Now her eyes were definitely blue-green.

            _Weird,_ thought Lyn. _'Er eyes change color._ _Reminds me o' Polgara. 'Cept Polgara's eyes were violet. An' they changed to grey. Still, it's weird. I've never seen it afore._

            "'Ello love," Jack said to her.

            Lyn gave Jack a hard look.

            "Sorry love," Jack said to Lyn. "I'm a pirate. I belong to no one. I'm me own man, savvy? I'll flirt with whomever I please."

            Lyn crossed her arms and glared.

            "On the other hand, perhaps I only please to flirt with one person," Jack said quickly.

            "Better," Lyn said. "Yer learnin'."

            "Katie! Lyn! You've got to come help," Trey gasped. He was out of breath from running across the deck to fetch the two girls. "Herald Lyndsay persuaded Captain Sparrow to cook dinner!"

            "Uncle Jack is attempting to cook?" Lyn asked incredulously. "I've got to see this!"

            Katie made a face. "I hope dinner is edible."

            "Oh, don't worry," Lyn grinned. "They say that in the army, the food is mighty fine. The chicken jumped off the table an' started markin' time."

            "With it's feathers on fire, I'm sure," Trey muttered. "Come on! Hurry, before he blows up the ship! Honestly, that's what he's going to do if we don't stop him." Trey's expression was urgent.

            He led the girls up to the deck, where Jack was attempting to barbecue some unidentifiable, possibly edible substance which looked like meat.

            "Hey!" said Lyn. "Yer a boucanier!"

            "You know French?" Uncle Jack asked.

            "Aye. The important stuff, at least. Je m'appelle Lightning Lyn Astra. Je suis de Melbourne, Florida. Je suis American. Je suis—er, 'ow d'ye say 'pirate' in French?"

            "Pirate," Uncle Jack replied, giving the word a French accent. "Or boucanier," he added.

            "Je suis pirate," Lyn said. "Battez la navale!"

            "Love," Uncle Jack said, "we pirates avoid the Navy."

            "How do ye say 'Go Army' in French?" Lyn asked.

            "No idea," Uncle Jack admitted. "I've never had any reason to say 'Go Army' in French."

            "Ah well," Lyn sighed. "Go Army. Battez la navale!"

            "Why are ye cheerin' for the army, love?" Jack asked.

            "Because Army rocks. West Point is awesome. I've got a water bottle that says, 'Go Army. Beat Navy.'"

            "Are there any books around here?" Kyra asked.

            "No," Lyn said, pouting. "More's the pity. Say, maybe we could raid my home an' get some o' my books."

            At that moment there was a bright light as the water caught fire.

            "Well, I guess that old sayin' 'bout can't boil water without burnin' it's true after all," Lyn remarked. "What did ye put in there? Gasoline?"

            "Rum," Uncle Jack replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "What's gasoline?"

            "Never mind," Lyn said shortly before Tom could begin to reply.

            Everyone covered their heads as the food caught fire, then exploded. Uncle Jack, unfortunately, was too close to the explosion. He was blown overboard. Which was probably a good thing, because at that point the ship caught fire, and if Uncle Jack saw the _Pearl_ on fire, who knows what he'd do.

            Lyn grabbed the burning water and threw it on the fire. It only caused the fire to flare. Someone else had the better idea of throwing the non-ruminated water on the fire, which made it go out.

            Then they went after Uncle Jack. Lyn jumped in and rescued him. She rather liked playing the hero. She had actually planned to go into the Coast Guard—to fight pirates—until Jack kidnapped her.

            After the cooking incident, Lyn was rather bored. So she thought. Then she thought some more. She began to think about shiny stuff. She drew her cutlass and looked at it. "Shiny," she said.

            "Shiny," Kyra echoed.

            "You like shiny too?" Lyn asked.

            "Shiny," Kyra replied. "The magpies will take over the world! Muahahahahahahahahaha!"

            Lyn gave her that look—the one that said "Which planet are you from?"

            "I've already told you," Kyra replied. "I'm from Mars."

            "You told me," Lyn corrected. "Not my look."

            Kyra gave Lyn a look that said, "What planet are you from?"

            "I'm from Omalya," Lyn replied.

            "Riiiight," Kyra said.

            "Shiny," Lyn said.

            "Shiny," Kyra repeated.

            "Gold is shiny," Lyn said.

            "Shiny," Kyra said.

            Lyn ran down to her cabin and grabbed a party popper, then ran back up and sprayed shiny all over Kyra.

            "Shiny!" Kyra squealed. She ran after the shiny and gathered up as much as she could. "My shiny!"

            "The gold coins at the Isla de Muerta are shiny. But we can't get them. They're cursed." Her eyes lit up suddenly, and a lightbulb flashed over her head. "I feel like I'm in Xanth," she remarked. She turned to Herald Lyndsay. "Say, aren't Companions sort of immortal? So Lyrna could get the medallions."

            "How did ye know me Companion's name?" Herald Lyndsay demanded.

            "I tol' ye, I made ye up," Lyn said.

            So they went to the Isla de Muerta, and Lyrna got the medallions out of the chest. Kyra gathered up quite a few. "Shiny," she said.

            "Much shiny," Lyn agreed. "Ye'll make a good pirate. Yer completely obsessed with treasure."

            But Kyra had wandered off to explore the caves.

            I guess I'll end it here. Elfcarii, please give me more ideas for what Kyra will do.

            Friday:I love country music! Hehe, you really do like to annoy other people. Killjoy.

            Yeah, the new type doesn't work. Thanks for pointing that out. Now I go in on the QuickEdit thingy and put in breaks.

            Sure, you can write the story about you being kidnapped.

            Oh, extremely original. About as original as Will and Elizabeth in naming their children. Maybe even a bit more original.

No, he has a brother named Jonny. But it all sounds the same.

I know! Toby Keith rocks! He even has an awesome name!

Yep, I get Tom to explain it anyways.

So you read it too. Jesus is Poisonwood was great.

Well, Lyn is half-Texan.

Yes, there's a point to the skeleton crew remark. It conjured Barbossa's pirates.

            Tom is thirteen, almost fourteen.

            Neither, actually. I guess I'd just been working on "Into the Vortex" too much. It affects me the same way as a sugar-high. So does being at West Point for that matter. Woot for stabbing juice cartons! Woot for chugging condiments!

I got the two thirteenths of a moment from Xanth.

No, Norrington is not drunk.

Fireblade K'Chona: Randomness is good. I'll try to put Tom Bombadil in—I almost feel sorry for Tom Astra. He'll get mistaken for Bombadil, probably, and he hates songs. By the way, I didn't know Hell was funny. Although, if it isn't, then anything would be funnier than Hell.

            Woot! Seven pages! And it's all of one page four lines in my outline. Woot for getting more crazy ideas! Woot for waking up at 0530 every morning for a week! (That might be where some of my current craziness comes from.) Woot for waking up at 0430 yesterday!

Sorry for not putting this in before. I'll also put it in my reply to Friday's review (if I remember). Here are the translations of the French words:

Boucanier-barbecuer or buccaneer

Je m'appelle Lightning Lyn Astra-My name is Lightning Lyn Astra

Je suis de Melbourne, Florida-I am from Melbourne, Florida

Je suis American-I am American

Je suis pirate-I am a pirate

Battez la navale-Beat Navy!


	7. American Style Shooting

Disclaimer: I don't own it. This is just a crazy story based off PotC, and a bit off LotR and some other books I've read. The drinking song is, of course, from the RotK movie. I love Hobbits' drinking songs!

* * *

A/N (6/28/04): Sorry for taking so long to update. I don't know what took me so long! Well, probably the fact that I've been helping out at Math Camp for the past two weeks. But that's no excuse! Now I know I had the beginning of the chapter around here somewhere… where is it? Khar! Stupid bureaucracy! ("Khar" means "bureaucracy," by the way.) I can't find it!

* * *

A/N (6/28/04): The appearance of Gollum was totally unexpected. So don't blame me. He just decided to show up. "Lady of the Sea" is a phrase I came up with to describe a female pirate. It's in my poem, "A Pirate's Life for Me."

* * *

A/N (6/28/04): I would just like to say that I can actually shoot better than Lyn can at the beginning of this chapter. I actually won first place in the shooting match that Lyn mentions, but when I wrote the chapter I thought I'd gotten second, and anyways it's funnier when it's second place. Just recently I shot small balloons at 50 yards with an AR-15, which is the civilian version of an M-16.

* * *

Elfcarii: Yep, the One Ring works. Wow! Shinies rock! Here's some more shinies because I'm feeling special. Hands shiny to Elfcarii.

Fireblade K'Chona: I liked that line, too. Oh, yeah. I think there's a chapter titled "Moral Dilemma." Tom Bombadil is going to annoy Tom Astra to death! Just you watch!

* * *

Kyra wandered through the caves, getting further and further from the pirates. She soon realized that this might be a problem if she got lost. She considered leaving a trail behind her, but the only things with which to leave a trail were her shinies, and she really didn't want to part with them. Her dilemma: risk getting lost, or risk losing her shinies? She eventually convinced herself that she wouldn't get lost, because she'd been raised in the caves on Mars.

She got lost anyways. The caves on Earth smelt different than the caves on Mars, so she was unable to find her way back to the pirates. _Ah well,_ she consoled herself. _At least I still have my shinies._ At the thought of shinies, she brought one of them out and stared at it worshipfully, much like Gollum looking at the precious. "Shiny," she said. Then, "My Precious."

Gollum came caterwaultering through the caves toward her. "Precious?" he asked. He peered at her and saw that she didn't have the Ring. Then something seemed to tug at him, and he ran off, back the way Kyra had come. Since she had nothing better to do, she followed him at a run.

Soon he came upon the pirates, specifically Lyn. Lyn was, by this time, very drunk, and having a great time dancing to music that only she could hear. She had dragged Jack (Junior) onto the makeshift dance floor, and they were busy stomping their feet and singing:

_"Oh, you can search far and wide,_

_You can drink the whole town dry,_

_But you'll never find a beer so brown,_

_You'll never find a beer so brown_

_As the one we drink in our hometown,_

_As the one we drink in our hometown!_

_You can drink your fancy ales,_

_You can drink 'em by the flagon,_

_But the only brew for the brave and true_

_Comes from The Green Dragon!"_

Then the two of them downed their bottles of rum.

"Precious!" Gollum cried, lunging at Lyn. He knocked Jack out of the way when said gentleman (of fortune) tried to defend the lady (of the sea).

"My Preciousss!" Lyn responded, grabbing Gollum's arms and forcing him to dance with her. Jack looked slightly relieved, although he still looked worried for Lyn.

When Gollum tried to strangle Lyn in order to get the Ring, Gypsy jumped on his back, curled herself around his neck, and began to purr.

"She never does that for me," Lyn said with a pout.

"Precious?" Gollum said uncertainly too the cat.

Gypsy purred louder.

"Precious!" Gollum declared.

"Oh, great," Tom moaned. "Next will be your stupid mini-Balrog whats'isname, or that Tom Bombadil yer always quotin'."

Lyn grinned happily and sang:

_"Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!_

_By water, wood and hill, by the reed and willow,_

_By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!_

_Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!"_

A few seconds later, they all heard a merry voice raised in song.

_"Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,_

_Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow._

_None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master:_

_His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster!"_

Tom Astra groaned. "No. Please. Just get me out of here!"

Lyn dragged Gollum around the dance floor to the rhythm of Tom Bombadil's singing.

* * *

Once more aboard the _Black Pearl_, the pirates sailed back to the Bermuda Triangle. It was a long, boring journey, made more interesting (and annoying) by Tom Bombadil's singing, Tom Astra's off-key humming (the point of which was to drown out Tom Bombadil's singing), and Gollum's attempts to find his new Precious when she didn't want to be found. In the midst of all this, Jack sought out Lyn at the prow of the ship, where she stood, watching the waves.

"Lyn, darling, can you shoot?" he asked.

"I can shoot a bow," she replied.

He wondered whether being annoying was contagious, because she seemed to have caught it from Tom. Both of them. "Can you shoot a gun?" he asked, semi-patiently. This was, after all, Lyn he was dealing with.

"I can shoot American-style," she said.

"Show me."

She took out her pistol and shot at a fish leaping out of the water. She didn't even come close.

"You call that shooting?" Jack demanded.

"I did win a shooting contest once," Lyn said defensively. "Well, actually I won second place, and there were only two people in my division—but I still won seventy-five dollars!"

Jack sighed. He went to his father and requested that he share Lyn's watch, in order to teach her how to shoot.

"It that the _only_ reason, Jack darling?" Lyn asked coyly.

"Oh, of course," Jack said, raising his eyebrows innocently.

"You know," Lyn said, "the real purpose of a gun is for threatenin'. An' I can do that just fine. An' I can fight like the devil hisself. King o' Tavern Fightin', I was, back when I got stranded in Tortuga. Killed a man, I did. Stupid blighter. Tried to stab me in the back. Cut me 'and, then stepped back to gloat, the idiot some of a bilge rat. Nivver thought I might be left-'anded. Nivver thought at all, prolly. O' course, I did ha' me sword on me left side, but 'e was dumb enou' to fight me in the firs' place, me bein' undefeated an' all, an' then dumb enou' to get angry when 'e lost, which is what led to the attempt at back-stabbin', so I'm sure 'e was dumb enou' not to notice which side I 'ad me sword on. So, while 'e was gloatin', I took out me sword wi' me left 'and an' skewered 'im right nice."

"Dad told me you burned down Tortuga," Jack remarked after Lyn had finished her story.

"Well, that was Tom's idea," Lyn said. "I'd burnt down the ship o' this pirate 'oo got on me nerves, so 'e suggested we burn down the 'ole bloody town. So we did. It was actually rather pretty while it was burnin'. Speakin' o' Tortuga, when I'm rich I'm gonna pay to 'ave it returned to its former state o' bein' a 'proliferous bouquet,' as yer father so eloquently put it."

Jack laughed. Lyn was so positive, he couldn't help but laugh around her.

As the days progressed, Jack taught Lyn the proper way to shoot a pistol, pirate-style. Sharpshooter-style, even. She still called her shooting American-style, however. "Or mebbe it's police-style. Keep shootin' until ya hit yer target. See, that's why Americans like machine guns."

"What's a machine gun?" Jack asked.

"Oh, it's a gun that keeps on shootin' as long as ye hold down the trigger. Sort o' like a water gun. Er, never mind. I don' much care for 'em, meself, but that's jes' me."

"Great," Jack said. "Just as long as our targets don't have these machine guns."

"Oh, civilians aren't allowed to have them," Lyn said confidently. "Although me dad has the civilian version of the M-16, which is a machine gun. But the civilian version isn't a machine gun, it's a regular rifle."

During Lyn's next stint as lookout, the _Black Pearl_ was surrounded by other pirates. Lyn gave the warning sooner than anyone else could have, except maybe her evil twin—she had very sharp eyes—but still it came too late. They were outnumbered. The other pirates boarded them, looking for treasure. They intended to take over the ship as well.

"You'll regret it if you take this ship," Tom said.

At the same time, Uncle Jack said, "Nobody takes my _Pearl_."

Lyn climbed slowly down the rigging until she was close enough to shoot. Then she wove her legs through the ropes so she wouldn't fall. She took out her pistol and took careful aim at the pirate captain. Carefully she squeezed the trigger.

_Bang!_

The pirate captain fell, bleeding from a wound in his chest. He was dead.

Lyn called down from her spot on the rigging, "Anyone else care to take a turn? I've got enough bullets for the lot o' ye!"

The enemy pirates dropped their weapons in surrender.

Lyn climbed down from the rigging.

"Good shot, Lyn," Jack said.

Lyn surveyed her work with understandable pride. "Now that's what I call _real_ American-style shooting."

* * *

Review! Or I shall send Lyn after ye with Gollum an' Gypsy an' Lyn's American-style shootin' pistol. An' I might send Tom Bombadil to sing to ye an' Tom Astra to hum at ye. Loudly an' off-key. On the other hand, if ye do review, I'll prolly get the next chapter up faster.


	8. Almost Shot Captain Jack Sparrow

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A/N (7/29/04): I'm terribly sorry for the delay! Terribly! First I was in Georgia for a week, an' then I was in Europe for 11 days, an' I've been tryin' to get back into the swing o' things. Me watch is still set on Amsterdam time. Six hours difference. I've been havin' trouble adjustin'.

* * *

A/N (7/29/04): Me brother got a fully automatic B-B gun for 'is 13th birthday. Cool, huh?

* * *

Friday: No, it's a very bad idea. As I've already told you, "Ask Tom" is something Lyn says when she really doesn't want to explain and doesn't want them bothering her about explaining.

Yeah, I really don't own any of it. Sad, huh? But I live with it. Hey, I own my great stories, "Sir Jacob Swift" and "The Legacy of War." Speaking of Legacy, I need to update that story….

Definitely not-so-innocently.

You've burnt all the food! The shade! The rum!

Yes, my brother is younger. Don't worry, the explanation made _my_ brain hurt.

I could slap Junior, too.

Why thank ye, love!

Alan Jackson and Toby Keith are awesome!

Squashbuckled! Smushbuckled! That was Bootstrap. Oh, right. (Movie my brother and I are planning to make. PotC/Star Trek crossover. Blooper reel. Arr! Swash swash buckle buckle…. Smush smush buckle buckle. That was Bootstrap. Oh, right.)

My brother and I never agree.

Yes, it was. With Drew. I mentioned to him that I called it a game, and he said he never knew it was a game; how do you keep score? He's hilarious.

West Point was awesome. I might be crazy enough to want to go there. I want to be an Intelligence Agent. That would be so cool.

He gets it from his 8th grade English teacher.

Yes, Lyn-twin is the Herald. She wasn't too happy to be Chosen, and ever since then she's called her Companion a horse. She and a friend of hers came up with this plan for painting all the uniforms and Companions purple, and she managed to flood the Companions' Field.

My Chem teacher was the best.

Kristin's blue plastic Spoon of Power, no doubt. You been watching Robin Hood?

Well, it might be the Havens for Herald Lyndsay, but I doubt if it's the Havens for Lavan.

I don't know. Maybe you could have an evil twin so you could blame things on her? But you probably blame things on me, don't you. Because I'm the prankster.

Sorry. Forgot to put the explanations.

Boucanier-barbecuer or buccaneer

Je m'appelle Lightning Lyn Astra-My name is Lightning Lyn Astra

Je suis de Melbourne, Florida-I am from Melbourne, Florida

Je suis American-I am American

Je suis pirate-I am a pirate

Battez la navale-Beat Navy!

I'll have him ask that. "What's gasoline?" I'll have to add that. Ah, I see I already have. Excellent!

Yes, I like Toby Keith because of his name. I also like him because of his songs.

* * *

Fireblade K'Chona: Firesong! leans back and claps Oh dear. Oh, dear. Yes, I think I just have to have Firesong put in an appearance. In his version of a pirate costume. Any ideas on what it would involve?

Eyepatch

Feathers braided into his hair.

Anything else?

* * *

Amy: It's all the oddness. Blame it on the vortex. And Lyn. Or blame it on Jack, like Anamaria does. Because it's his fault I wrote this story in the first place….

* * *

Rachel: Drinks all around! Typos? What typos? Ah, so Calico Jack _hasn't_ reviewed this story. I thought he had. He usually catches my typos. Or do you mean spelling "love" l-o-v-e?

I did not misspell that word. I am a grammar cop, and it annoys me every time someone spells it "luv." Look it up in the dictionary. The word "luv" isn't there. When Vanyel calls people "love," it's spelt l-o-v-e. I've also watched PotC with subtitles. I would remember if I'd seen that word spelt l-u-v while watching the movie. I didn't.

And I don't believe I told you about DoaP on the bus; only PYBW and ItV (DoaP being Daughter of a Pirate; PYBW being Pirates, Ye Be Warned; and ItV being Into the Vortex). So no, you didn't hear about it eight times.

Of course I left out the details! I couldn't remember them all. Besides, I wanted you to be able to enjoy it when you read it.

You're not in PYBW because I finished that story because I met you! You're going to be in ItV, though. Eventually. When I can fit you in. And don't you dare kidnap my kitty!

* * *

Time sure flies when you're having fun. Which Lyn was. She was probably the only one. Everyone else was busy trying to avoid Tom Astra or Tom Bombadil. Some of them didn't know which they were trying to avoid. Some of them couldn't tell the two apart. Which led to Tom Astra distributing many a punch and yelling at them, "I'm freakin' not Tom Bombadil!" Lyn took to calling her brother "Tom Bombadil" just to annoy him. In response, Tom tried to slug her, but Lyn was too fast for him. She blocked his punch and automatically punched him back. It quickly escalated into a full-scale fist-fight. Jack waded into the fray to break it up. Lyn immediately stopped punching her brother and attempted to draw Jack out of the line of fire. The attempt was successful only because Jack allowed it to be. When Lyn tried to re-start the fight, Jack distracted her with a kiss.

"You know what today it?" Katie asked of no one in particular.

"The day I got kissed by Captain Jack Sparrow?" Lyn hazarded a guess. She meant Jack Junior, of course.

Katie laughed. "I shoulda known you'd fall for a Slytherin-type."

"You fell for a Gryffindor-type," Lyn shot back.

"Slytherin," Katie countered. "He's a pirate."

"True," Lyn allowed. "But Potter was also a Slytherin-type an' 'e got inter Gryffindork a'cause 'e didn't wanna be in Slytherin."

"Trey wouldn't care," Katie said confidently. "'E's been a pirate 'is 'ole life."

Lyn made a face. "You win."

"What day is today, love?" Trey asked her—her being Katie, of course.

"The Fourth of July," Katie replied.

Trey gave her a blank look.

"It's a holiday," Katie explained. "There're parties, with fireworks. Let's go to one."

No sooner had she said it than the vortex whisked them away to a random Fourth of July party.

"Damn," Katie swore. "'Be careful what you wish for.' Can't even follow my own bloody advice."

"Where did _you_ come from?" someone demanded of the pirates. The someone was a woman wearing an American flag-decorated dress. _Very_ Fourth of July.

"Bloody vortex," Katie replied darkly.

"Whatever," the woman said. "Why are you wearing those costumes?"

"Well, we _would_ have changed, except the stupid vortex took us here before we had the chance," Katie explained. She seemed to be calming down a bit. Possibly.

Just then, another woman spotted Nick. "Nick!" she said.

"Oh, hi Mom," Nick said.

"Mreow," said Gypsy as she wandered through the crowd.

"Nick, where have you been?" Nick's mom asked.

"Oh, here an' there. C'mon, Mom, I've been fine. I'm an adult now," Nick said.

"Meow!" Gypsy exclaimed. She ran away from someone she spotted in the crowd.

"Gypsy!" that person exclaimed, and began to chase after the cat. "I wonder how Gypsy got here?" Suddenly she spotted Lyn. "Lyn! There you are! Where _have_ you been?"

"Who the Hell is that?" Jack asked.

"Please don't use that language," the girl requested.

"Cam!" Lyn exclaimed, running over to give her sister a hug.

"Lyn," Camembert said reproachfully, "you're dressed as a pirate."

"Of course!" Lyn said. "I'm a pirate now."

The pirates had a grand time partying for a while. Lyn found a stash of water balloons and water guns and started a water fight. Tom and Cam spent some time catching up on what each other had been doing. Tom managed to skim over most of his pirate activities, and left it at the fact that he'd been hanging out in the Bermuda Triangle with Lyn.

This went on until one of their former victims recognized them. Said former victim being Jared's brother Charlie. "Pirates!" he cried. "Call the police!"

Immediately there was a stampeded away from the pirates and toward the phone. Someone managed to grab the phone and dial 9-1-1. "Pirates!" he gasped. He gave the address. "We're being attacked by pirates!" He failed to mention that said pirates had so far not used any weapons worse than a water gun.

Soon the police showed up. They told the pirates to come out with their hands over their heads. Lyn came out with a water gun and managed to soak the police before they wrestled it away from her.

"Surely there's been some mistake," Uncle Jack began, but the police just forced him into the back of one of the cop cars. There wasn't quite enough room for everyone, but Lyn was not at all adverse to sitting on Jack's lap, and Katie was quite content to sit on Trey's lap.

Poor Kyra, who had somehow ended up with them, had no idea what was going on.

"Ler 'er go," Jack told the police. "She ain't done nothin' wrong."

Herald Lyndsay and Bard Woggle were also part of the group. "There's been a mistake," Herald Lyndsay said. "I'm no' a pirate. I'm a 'Erald."

_Maybe she's not a pirate anymore,_ Lyn thought, _but she was once._ Which was probably why Herald Lyndsay wasn't protesting overmuch.

"Oh yeah?" one cop said challengingly. "So why's your twin sister a pirate, then?"

"She ain't me twin!" Herald Lyndsay protested. "I don' 'ave no sister." Because the pirates were terrorists, they were to be executed directly, without a trial.

Lyn protested, "That ain't the way things're done! I demand a trial! I demand a lawyer! Me mum'll 'ave a fit when she 'ears abou' this!"

"And who is your mother?" the cop asked her.

"The Honorable Judge Astra," Lyn replied.

"Judge, is it?" the cop asked.

"Aye!" Lyn replied fiercely.

"Well, you're still proven terrorists, so you won't get a trial," another cop said stubbornly.

"'Sides," Lyn said, "I'm underage. An' so's me brother. An' so're Katie an' the 'Erald an' the Bard. An' so's Kyra, I think. 'Ow old are ye, Kyra?"

"Seventeen," Kyra replied.

"See?" Lyn said. "We're all underage. Well, 'alf of us are, anyway. So ye can't execute us."

"We're allowed to execute terrorists of any age," the stubborn cop said.

The pirates spent the night in jail cells. The next morning, they were taken to an open spot surrounded by a crowd of people and were lined up to be shot.

A person in the crowd called out, "Hey! Since they love scaring others, they should have to feel fear themselves! Man's greatest fears are death and public speaking; make them speak at their execution!"

The rest of the crowd jeered and laughed.

Katie was just a bit ticked. Make that pissed. _Really_ pissed. "Listen, ye who hear my words! You think to terrify me. You can't succeed, your coward's creed is never followed by me. I fear not fate, nor death, not pain, nor mortal man's revenge; what's dearest me, what makes me free, your law cannot infringe. So hang me, burn me, take my life; you cannot take my fame. Believe you me, I'll make you see, you're losing in this game!"

There was a moment of silence as everyone backed away from an irate Katie; then Try opened his mouth. "I'll speak next, 'cause if Jack speaks—either of them—he'll speak the lot o' you to sleep, an' I want to have my say. The reason most people are afraid to speak in public is that they ain't got nothin' to say. Well, I've got plenty to say, beginnin' with my opinion of anyone dumb enough to try to execute Jack Sparrow."

"Captain Jack Sparrow," Uncle Jack corrected.

"Sorry," Trey grinned. He turned back to the crowd. "Yer a bunch o' morons! Not only has he already escaped two times from almost certain death, whether or not you succeed here, you lost. If he gets away, you lose credibility. If you kill 'im, you'll be mobbed by rabid fangirls."

Uncle Jack grinned. "You know, I rather like this government. You can insult it without gettin' in trouble. But I still agree with young Bootstrap; You're stupid! Thought the death penalty was only supposed to be for—what was it?—premeditated murder." He turned to Lyn for confirmation.

Lyn nodded. She'd told him as much before. "As long as we don't kill anyone, she'd said, "we should be fine."

Jack continued, "Well, I'm the only one among us who's ever committed any premeditated murder, an' at my last execution they didn't seem to think that worth adding to my list of crimes. Trey's greatest crime was kidnapping a girl; but since the girl later proposed to him, I think he's already been punished enough for that transgression."

"You're terrorists!" yelled a random person in the crowd.

"What," Nick said, "because he towed a Carnival cruise ship out of the vortex? Because we defended a school against a pirate attack?"

"It's because we're bloody _pirates_, and everyone _knows_ that _pirates_ are _terrorists_," Tom said in a voice that dripped with scorn.

Lyn waved her arms the same way Uncle Jack had in the cave to get Barbossa's attention. She began to sing.

"If tomorrow all the loot were gone I'd stolen on this run,

An' I had to start again, with jes' me captain and 'is son,

I'd thank my lucky stars that I was on this ship today,

'Cause the flag still stands for freedom, an' they can't take that away!

An' I'm proud to be a buccaneer, where at least I know I'm free,

An' I won't forget the captain brave, who gave that right to me,

An' I'd proudly stand up next to you an' defend 'er out at sea,

'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this ship, a pirate's life for me!

From the taverns of Tortuga, to the slums of Port Royal,

Across the waves that take us where seagulls wheel an' call,

We'll sail to that horizon, in good spirits all the way,

'Cause there's pride in every buccaneer 'eart, an' it's time we stood to say:

I'm proud to be a buccaneer, where at least I know I'm free,

An' I won't forget the captain brave, who gave that right to me,

An' I'd proudly stand up next to you an' defend 'er out at sea,

'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this ship, a pirate's life for me!"

Now it was Jack's turn. He had been watching the sky, but he turned his attention to the crowd. "Gentlemen. Miladies. You will always remember this as the day that you almost shot Captain Jack Sparrow."

At that moment helicopters came down with ropes lowered for the pirates to grab onto. When the pirates did so, the helicopters took off again. They weren't flown to well, but they managed to land relatively safely on one of the islands in the Bermuda Triangle.

Apparently Gypsy had fetched the Stormwinds, who had come to the rescue as quickly as they could.

"That was fun," Lyn remarked. "Let's do it again."

Woot! I finished Chapter Eight! I love this chapter. Almost Shot Captain Jack Sparrow. I love Katie's rant. It's almost as good as Jacob's "I am Sir Jacob bloody Swift" rant. Rachel knows about that one, don't you, Rachel? You asked me to recite it so many times you've probably memorized it.


	9. Oh, There Are No Airborne Rangers in the...

A/N (8/9/04): Sorry about the wait, short as it was! I was at my grandparents' house so I couldn't update. But I did finish writing this chapter! And I worked on a chapter that will be some ways in the future, about Robin Hood (I'm obsessed with Robin Hood at the moment, for those of you who don't know), and I wrote Chapter 10. So all I have to do is type Chapters 9 and 10 and upload them. And somebody kitty-napped my cat while I was gone, because I didn't update fast enough. Glares at Rachel and Friday. Oh, and while I'm at it, the governor in this chapter is not Jeb Bush; I decided that I'd have a new governor in office, a Democrat, partially for the story line, partially because I didn't want to get in trouble for using a real person in my story. Although later on they kidnap Orlando Bloom… although that's in the next story, not this story…. Anyhoo. And stealing a horse was still a hanging offense in Florida, last time I checked, which is what inspired this chapter.

* * *

Disclaimer: I actually own most of the stuff in this chapter. I don't own Uncle Jack, of course, and I don't own the _Pearl_, and Friday owns Katie and Trey and my brother owns Tom and Nick owns himself, but other than that I own just about everything. Except the reference to Barrel-Britches. Disney owns that (doesn't it own everything?). But it's not from PotC. It's from Robin Hood. Great movie. Extremely funny. The song will be in a later chapter. "Oh, the world will sing of an English king a thousand years from now…."

* * *

Chapter 9: Oh, There Are No Airborne Rangers in the Police

* * *

After that little incident with the near-execution, Tom decided that he had had enough of being a pirate. So they dropped him off on the beach near his house, and he went home.

"Lyn," Jack said when they were back in the vortex. "There's somethin' I've been meanin' to ask ye. Were ye really serious abou' the 'Let's do it again'?"

"Sure," Lyn shrugged. "Ye know, this time it could be a hangin'. There's still a law around that states that stealin' a horse is a hangin' offense."

"What would we do with a horse?" Jack asked blankly.

"We already got one too many," Uncle Jack added, indicating Lyrna with his thumb.

_:I__ am a_ Companion_,: _Lyrna corrected.

"Companion, horse. Same bloody difference," Uncle Jack said.

"We could give it to Rom fer 'is birthday," Lyn said in response to Jack's question.

"What would _he_ do with a horse?" Jack asked.

Lyn shrugged. "That's his problem."

So they hunted around until they found a large stables with lots of horses, enough that they surely wouldn't miss one if it were stolen. Toby, who was in on the "prank," as he called it, wanted them just to steal any old horse, but Lyn had her heart set on a beautiful black mare with a white stripe on her forehead.

"She needs a name," Lyn declared as they led the mare out of the stables complex.

"Nightmare," Katie said with an air of finality.

"Nightmare it is,' Lyn decided.

Lyn vaulted onto the mare's back and rode away (bareback, of course; she hadn't bothered stealing a saddle. It had been so long since she'd ridden a horse that she wasn't sure she could put the saddle on properly. She had, however, put some reins on the horse). As Nightmare passed her, Katie swung up onto her back, much like Legolas in "The Two Towers." The others were left to follow as best they could.

They rode into the middle of Tom's birthday party. Several of his friends were there. "Er, this is my sister, Lyn; and her evil twin, Katie. Ah, Lyn, where did you get that horse?"

"Stole it," Lyn said easily as she and Katie dismounted. The handed the reins to Tom. "Happy birthday."

"You—ah—got me a horse for my birthday?" Tom asked.

"But of course," Lyn said. She turned to Tom's friends. "Hey y'all. As the kid here said, I'm Lyn. Lightning Lyn. An' this is me evil twin, Killjoy Kate Turner."

"You're thieves?" someone asked.

"We're pirates," Lyn corrected. She turned to leave.

"Your sister is a pirate?" the same boy asked.

"She's crazy," Tom said.

They rendezvoused with Toby, Jack and Trey, then returned to the _Pearl_, where they wrote a letter to the government.

Dear Governor-person,

We are some of the pirates whom you recently tried to execute. Our latest outrage is that we have stolen a horse. According to Florida law, stealing a horse is a hanging offense. That means you'll have to hang us.

Yours truly,

_Lyndsay Astra_

Lyndsay Astra

_Kathleen Turner_

Kathleen Turner

_Captain Jack Sparrow, Jr._

Captain Jack Sparrow, Jr.

_William Turner III_

William Turner III

_Toby Stormwind_

Toby Stormwind

* * *

The governor, needless to say, was quite perplexed when he received the letter. Was this supposed to be some sort of police-assisted suicide? But no, if that was what they were after, they could simply have failed to escape from their last execution.

Their last execution. He pondered that thought for a while. Most people only had one execution. Actually, most normal people were never executed at all! But these people—he could hardly think of them as children, even though two of them claimed to be under eighteen—were far from normal. Their letter alone was enough to prove that. Who in the world would start out a letter "Dear Governor-person"?

Lyndsay Astra; Kathleen Turner; Captain Jack Sparrow, Junior; William Turner; and Toby Stormwind, obviously.

He wondered briefly whether the two Turners were related. Must be, he decided. After all, what was the probability of two unrelated people by the name of Turner both being so crazy as to sign their names to that letter? Unlikely.

He checked the law book and, sure enough, stealing a horse was still listed as a hanging offense. So that much was true. But had these people actually stolen a horse?

Why was he even worrying about this? They had already admitted to stealing the horse—in writing, no less! And they'd signed the letter. It was the perfect opportunity to get rid of five people who had been royally screwing with his plans. Everything was in an uproar because of these pirates. Here he was, a Democratic governor finally in office in Florida, and because of these pirates, people were voting to take money away from entitlement programs and channel it into defense.

Growling irritatedly, he ordered for orders to be written up for the hanging of the five people who had written that letter.

* * *

The officer who came to arrest them was very apologetic. "Just come quietly," he advised. "I'm sure there's been some terrible mistake, but we'll get it sorted out. Meanwhile I'm going to have to take you into custody."

"We're going to be hung, right?" Lyn said, grinning.

The officer looked startled. "How did you know?"

"Looks like—what'd you call 'im—ol' Barrel-Britches got our letter," Toby laughed. By Barrel-Britches he meant the governor.

"Let's just hope he doesn't get his knickers in a knot," said Lyn.

"Let's hope he does," Katie said with an evil twinkle in her eye.

"Ah, if you five could please squeeze into the back of my car?" the officer requested.

As Lyn made herself comfortable on Jack's lap, she said, "Ye know, why are police officers called officers? They're really not e'en as good as privates in the armed forces. Privates at least have to be able to aim; police officers shoot, ah, American-style."

Jack snorted. He had worked long and hard to correct Lyn's "American-style" shooting.

"American-style?" the officer asked, confused.

"Badly," Jack explained.

"Shoot enough bullets an' maybe ye'll hit what yer aimin' at," Lyn clarified.

'Well, that's rather offensive," the officer huffed.

Lyn arched both her eyebrows (she couldn't arch just one). "Blame it on 'The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.'" She frowned. "I miss my cat."

"Lyn, you've only been away from her for ten minutes!" Katie exclaimed.

"I miss my kitty!" Lyn whined. "My Precious! Where is she? She must miss me terribly."

"I'm sure Gollum is taking good care of her," Katie assured her good twin.

"Gollum?" the officer demanded. "You mean that dude from _The Lord of the Rings_? The creepy one who wanted the Ring?"

"Gollum was cute, not creepy!" Lyn declared. "Besides, Gypsy likes him."

"He _worships_ her," Toby pointed out. "Of course she likes him."

"My point exactly," Lyn declared. "Anyone who likes cats can't be all that bad."

They reached the site where a hasty gallows had been set up. A crowd had gathered, brought there by curiosity. The five pirates laughed and waved. A reporter shoved a microphone at them. "Any last words?"

"Yeah!" Lyn said. "A pox on the phony King of England! Long live Robin Hood! And there are no airborne rangers in the police!"

Ropes were put around their necks as they stood on stools, then the stools were kicked out from under them. It was rather uncomfortable, hanging from the neck like that.

A shot rang out, then another, and then three more in quick succession. Lyn turned toward the origin of the sound to see Uncle Jack in all his glory standing at the edge of the crowd.

"Come on!" someone in the crowd yelled. "Dive in! We'll catch you."

Lyn jumped first. The crowd caught her and carried her toward the edge. The last people let her down onto her feet. Jack, Katie, Trey and Toby soon followed. Then they were running from the police as fast as they could. Uncle Jack joined them and steered them slightly to the right, towards the parking lot. He led them to Nick's car. As soon as they were in, Nick hit the gas.

The police (and the news crews, who were reporting the hanging live) gave chase.

"And it is over," the reporter had said when all the pirates dangled from the gallows. "No it isn't! With shooting worthy of a sniper, a rescuer shoots through all five ropes, freeing the pirates." The camera swung around to focus on another pirate, an older version of one of the ones who'd just been hung. "And the rescuer is another Jack Sparrow look-a-like!

"The crowd carries them away from the hastily-erected gallows. They run for their car—and they're off! But they're not safe yet. The police give chase.

"The pirates head toward the causeway. They swerve around other cars…. They're heading for the docks! There's a ship out in the harbor, extremely old-fashioned. The name is… let's zoom in for a closer look... the _Black Pearl_. Is this some sort of joke? Is Disney pulling a stunt? First we have Jack Sparrow and Will Turner look-a-likes, and now the _Black Pearl_.

"The pirates hop into a rowboat and head for the ship. The police fire at them, but the ship fires a few blasts from its cannons, and the cops dive for cover. And the pirates are off! They have pulled off a successful rescue!"

Tom changed the channel back to the Sci Fi channel. So that was what stealing the horse had been all about. Well, there was no doubt about it. His sister was stark-raving mad.

* * *

Aboard the _Pearl_, there was much singing and dancing and passing around of the rum. Lyn did most of the singing. "Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the police."

"In the police!" the others echoed, lifting their bottles of rum.

"Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the police."

"In the police!"

"'Cause those cops'll try a hangin' an' their heads'll end up bangin', oh, there are no airborne rangers in the police."

"In the police!"

* * *

Fireblade K'Chona: Yes, they probably will clash. Now I just have to get Firesong in. Maybe in the detective chapter. That would be good. He and Peeves would clash as well. Peeves has no sense of style. Fun fun.

* * *

Friday: I know, I know. I'm sorry about the wait.

I suppose this one's not illegal. I mean, come on, it's just a b-b gun.

I don't think I'll be able to send it over the internet. But I'll try.

I know. I rather liked it too. Mwahahahahaha! I flooded the Companions' Field! And I'm a Senior now, so I'm going to be doing my own Senior pranks in real life. Maybe turning every other book in library upside down.

Yes, Spoon of Power. You have to know Kristin to understand.

Yeah, yeah. I'll give Rachel your email, though I don't know why. I'm crazy.

He does deserve to be called Tom Bombadil. He also deserves to be called a tom-fool of a Took.

Yes, your Will is a Gryffindrunk.

Yes, it was fun. Lyn's crazy.

* * *

A/N (8/13/04): It's Friday the 13th! Woot! And I'm updating the story. Sorry it took so long. I'm updating now because school was cancelled due to Hurricane Charley. Yippee!


	10. Homecoming

A/N (8/22/04): Well, I'm bored, so I'm updating the chapter. Erm, I don't own Gurhurt. He's a guy at my school. And I really have nothing to say, so, well, bye for now, and on to the reply to review. Singular. I'm rather disappointed. I wonder where Friday got off to. I haven't heard from her since last Friday. Lol. Maybe the _Black Pearl_ came and kidnapped her. Come to think of it, I haven't heard from Rachel either. Maybe Friday got the _Pearl_ to go kidnap her as well. Oh, and I just remembered, I got on the news while I was in the Netherlands. Cool, huh?

* * *

Fireblade K'Chona: Sorry, I've never seen the Matrix either. Has Legolas appeared yet? I forget... funny, eh? I'm planning to have him appear sometime. Poor Trey. Katie won't know which of them to look at.

* * *

Into the Vortex Chapter 10: Homecoming

* * *

One day in the middle of August, Lyn screwed up her courage and approached Jack. "Jack," she said, "will you marry me?"

The question took him by surprise. Usually the guy proposed to the girl. In fact, Lyn had told Katie to tell Jack to ask her to marry him, and Jack just hadn't gotten around to it yet. So he really wasn't expecting her to ask him. "I, er, that is, I mean, yes," he babbled. "Yes, love,' he said more coherently. "I love you an' I want to marry you. I shall buy you an engagement ring the next time we go into a town."

"Buy?" Lyn was astonished. She'd expected Jack to offer to steal a ring for her. But buy...well! "Oh, Jack!" She threw her arms around his neck. "You're so sweet!"

Once again, Jack was taken by surprise. He made the best of the good situation, hugging Lyn back and planting a kiss on her lips.

* * *

Jack bought Lyn the ring, a plain gold band, but rather thick. Lyn took to calling it her Precious, which caused Gollum to try to steal it. Jack came to Lyn's defense, and Jack and Gollum decked it out on the _Pearl_ until Uncle Jack yelled at them for fighting on his ship.

Lyn also bought Jack a ring, also a plain gold band, but Jack didn't call it his Precious. He reserved that title for Lyn.

"Say," Lyn said, "ye wanna go to Homecomin' wi' me?"

"What's Homecomin'?" Jack asked.

"It's a dance," Lyn explained. "It's for people 'oo 'ave graduated from the school to come back an' mingle wi' the students."

Lyn bought tickets for them.

Her brother Tom was there as well; his semi-girlfriend had asked him to the dance, and he had reluctantly agreed to come. Nick had decided to come as well, although he didn't have a date.

Lyn danced a few dances with Jack, then danced with Nick a bit. When she got tired, she wandered off in search of refreshments. She ran into a boy we will simply call Gurhurt to preserve anonymity.

"Oh, Lyndsay Astra, I didn't expect to see you here. Looking as ugly as ever, I see," Gurhurt said.

"As blind as ever, I see," Lyn retorted. Calling her ugly was rather pointless; she was model material and knew it. In fact, one summer she had taken a modeling class.

"Do you ever wash your hair?" Gurhurt asked, wrinkling his nose.

The insult was rather lost on Lyn. She had, in fact, washed her hair before the dance, but usually she didn't. It was rather difficult to bathe aboard the _Black Pearl_. "Why, yes, in fact, I believe it rained the day before yesterday," she said.

"Ew!" Gurhurt drew back in disgust. "No wonder no one will go out with you!"

"Actually, son, I do have a date, unlike you," Lyn said in her Captain Jack Sparrow voice.

"Who would want to go out with _you_?'

"See that man over there?" Lyn asked, pointing at Jack. "The one half the girls are trying to ask for a dance?" (The other half were sighing over Trey, who had come to the dance with Katie). "That's my date. And my fiancé."

"He must've felt sorry for you."

Lyn laughed. _More likely he felt sorry for himself!_ she thought, remembering how they'd met. "Wow! You can actually come up with an insult more creative than 'You're ugly.' Did you come up with it all by yourself, or did your mommy help you?"

Gurhurt didn't have a good answer for that, so he said, "I'm not going to waste my time talking to you any more," and wandered off.

He ran into Katie. "Oh, you're here, too," he said, not very intelligently.

"What an intelligent observation," Katie said sarcastically.

"Ah," Gurhurt floundered, "I was wondering if you'd like to dance?" He'd had this thing for Katie when they were in Health class together, and apparently he was still trying to get her to notice him.

"I think not," Katie said coldly. "If you try to flirt with me, my husband will kill you, if I don't do it first."

Gurhurt gulped. "H-husband?"

Katie smiled. "Chris, meet my husband, Trey." She put an arm around Trey's shoulders. "Trey, meet the school dunce. You'd think we wouldn't have one, seein' as it's a school of choice, buy Gurhurt here managed to surprise us all. Personally, I'm surprised he hasn't yet failed out of the school."

Gurhurt stalked off in a huff.

Katie turned to Trey. "He's blind. He didn't even notice that I'm six months pregnant."

Lyn, meanwhile, had gotten into an argument with the DJ.

"Do you have any country songs?" she asked.

"No," he said, not even bothering to check.

"You'd better have some country songs!" said Lyn.

"Look, girl," said the DJ. "Even if I had any, I wouldn't play them. Nobody likes country."

Lyn didn't very much appreciate being called "girl." "Look here, you!" she said. "I like country, an' I'm not nobody. I'm an infamous pirate, an' so's me fiancé, an' if ye don' do as I say, I'll have him hunt you down an' shoot you!" She still wasn't quite comfortable threatening to kill someone herself, but Jack was a good go-between.

The DJ looked unconvinced. "Oh really?"

Lyn took out a pistol. "Really."

The DJ swallowed hard. "H-how'd you get that?"

"I tol' ye, I'm a pirate."

"Ah, isn't it against School Board rules to threaten people?" the DJ asked desperately.

"I'm not a student at the school anymore," Lyn pointed out.

The DJ conceded the point. The very next song was Alan Jackson's "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere."

Lyn danced and sang along. It was one of her favorite songs. Her very favorite song was Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue."

The next dance was a slow-dance. Jack extricated himself from his crowd of admirers in order to dance with Lyn.

Jack's admirers went their own separate ways. Some of them clustered around Toby and Sam Stormwind, who had managed to sneak into the dance after Lyn, Jack, Katie and Trey. One girl, a curvaceous thing with hips infinitely better than Lyn's, who was wearing a rather revealing dress, fluttered her eyelashes at Toby. Her date, a very muscular mean-looking guy, saw this and blustered a bit at Toby. "Who d'you think you are, flirting with my date?"

"Why, I think I'm Toby Stormwind, mate," Toby replied. "An' in case ye 'adn't noticed, yer date started the flirtin'." He raised his voice so the girl could hear. "Say, love, would ye care for a dance?"

"Sure, she said, fluttering her eyelashes some more and smiling coyly. "By the way, Toby, my name's Jenny."

As Toby tried to walk toward Jenny in order to escort her to the dance floor, her date stepped in the way. He cracked his knuckles menacingly. "Leave her alone, pretty-boy."

Toby bowed with a flourish. "Why thank ye for the complement, but she just agreed to dance wi' me, so if ye'll get out o' me way...?"

"I don't think so," Jenny's date said. He picked Toby up by his shirt and brought Toby's face hear his. He was obviously expecting Toby to begin to kick his feet helplessly.

Toby, however, was far from helpless. He brought his knee up into the bigger man's groin, and the man dropped him and fell to the floor, groaning.

"Sorry 'bout that," Toby apologized to Jenny as he escorted her to the dance floor. "'E seemed to think ye dinna wanna dance wi' me."

Jenny looked at Toby with something bordering on awe. "How did you learn to do that?"

"Can ye keep a secret?" Toby asked.

Jenny nodded eagerly.

"Me real name's Tobias Carter. The thing is, I'm a pirate, an' me dad's in the Navy, so we call me Toby Stormwind so no one'll make the connection."

Jenny giggled. "A pirate! How exciting! Have you ever seen the movie 'Pirates of the Caribbean'?"

"Ah, actually, I haven't seen it yet, but Lyn's recited the intirething for me more than once. Scared the Hell out o' Uncle Will firs' time she did that."

"You say your dad's in the Navy? Isn't he a bit disappointed in your career choice?" Jenny asked.

Toby laughed. "Naw. T' tell the truth, 'e rather expected it. Y'see, me mum's a pirate as well. But don' tell 'er I said that. She still maintains that she's a thief, not a pirate."

Jenny giggled again. "You're much more fun than Mark. That's my date," she explained. She pursed her lips. "And my ex-boyfriend. Care for a date tomorrow night?"

"Sure," Toby agreed. "Where do you live?"

She gave him her address, and he wrote it down.

They danced in silence for a while.

"Is that your brother?" Jenny asked suddenly, pointing at Sam.

"Aye," Toby replied. "Sam's me twin. Care to meet 'im?"

"Sure," Jenny agreed.

"Ahoy! Sam!" Toby called.

Sam made his way over to his brother. "An' jes' 'oo's this love'ly young lady?" he asked.

"This is Jenny," Toby introduced her. "I have a date with her tomorrow night. Jenny, this is me brother, Sam."

Sam made a face. "'Ow come you always get the pretty girls, Tobe?"

"It's 'cause I'm more handsome," Toby replied.

Sam made a face.

A beautiful dark haired girl walked up to them, looking slightly jealous. "Why do you always have the luck with guys, Jenny?" She and Jenny had been friends for a long time.

"I'm open, darlin'," Sam told her, "if you'd care to dance."

"Sure!" the girl said. "I'm Becky. Who're you?"

"Sam," he replied. 'sam Stormwind. This 'ere's me brother, Toby. We're twins."

"They're pirates," Jenny giggled.

She and Toby moved away from Sam and Becky.

"Where are ye from?' Toby asked.

"Texas," Jenny replied. "My family moved here a few months ago, along with Becky and her family. Becky's my best friend."

"So, where do ye wanna go on our date?"

"Oh, I figured we could go see a movie. There's a good romance playing."

Meanwhile, Sam and Becky were talking.

"What're your plans for tomorrow?" Becky asked.

"Oh, I was plannin' to 'ang out in the votex, maybe chase after a yacht. Depends on what Grampa decides to do. 'E's the Captain o' the _Red Sun_."

"Say," she said suddenly, looking at his face, "weren't you one of the pirates who almost got hung?"

"Naw," Sam replied, "that was Toby."

"Anyway," said Becky, "how about going on a date? Say, to a movie or something?"

"Sounds good," Sam said.

And now back to the misadventures of Gurhurt. Despite his earlier words, he had returned to bother Lyn some more.

"I thought ye said ye weren't gonna waste yer time talkin' to me any more," Lyn remarked.

"I just wanted to say that you need to buy some clothes," Gurhurt told her.

Lyn gave him a withering glance. "What, so I can look like you? No thank you!"

Jack walked up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Ahoy there, love. Is this kid botherin' you?"

"Actually, I find his antics rather amusing," Lyn replied.

Gurhurt made a face at Jack. "You two both have no taste in clothes."

"What an amazing discovery!" Lyn declared. "You can count to two!"

"Amazing," said Jack to Gurhurt. "The girls here wouldn't agree with you. There are some very pretty girls here—"

_Slap!_

Jack rubbed his cheek. "I suppose I deserved that. I was _about_ to say that Lyn here is of course the prettiest."

"You're blind," said Gurhurt. "She's _ugly_."

A knife appeared in Jack's hand, less than a centimeter from Gurhurt's throat. "Would you care to take that back?" Jack asked in a dangerous voice.

Gurhurt gulped. "Um, yeah, I take it back."

The knife disappeared.

"You are going to burn and burn and burn," Gurhurt told Jack.

"What circle of Hell is reserved for thieves?" Lyn asked.

Jack shrugged. "I don't remember."

"I don't think it was fiery," Lyn said. "In which case we're not going to burn."

Gurhurt looked blank.

"Read Dante's _Inferno_," Lyn suggested. "Oh, sorry, I forgot. You can't read."

"Now go away," Jack told Gurhurt.

Gurhurt refused. "No."

Nick, who had been watching the entire exchange, winked at Jack. "Watch this." He fluttered his eyelashes at Gurhurt. "You've got such nice, long eyelashes." He took a sideways step toward said idiot. "You know you want me."

Gurhurt shrieked and ran.

"Hey, look!" someone said. "It's Jack Sparrow!"

Jack sighed. "An' here I was, hopin' no one would recognize me."

"We weren't talking about you," the boy said offensively. He had meant Lyn; the kids in her Driver's Ed class would call her Jack Sparrow because she used to show up at school dressed as a pirate.

"Well then yer idiots," Jack declared.

Lyn said, "I think we already knew that, Jack."

"Why're you calling him Jack?" the boy asked.

"They _are_ idiots!" Jack laughed.

"More like gurhurt_mabobs_," said Lyn.

"Son," said Jack, "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?"

* * *

After the dance, they stopped by the school and stole one of the toilet seats as a prank. Lyn had the idea of sending it to J. K. Rowling. They did so, adding a not that said, "With love, from Fred and George Weasley."

* * *

There. I'm done with the chapter. The next chapter is either going to be titled "Drinks All Around" or "Baby, Go Cry on That Little Boy's Shoulder," I haven't yet decided which. If you have a preference, please tell me.


	11. Drinks All Around

Disclaimer: I own it. If you have a problem with that, I now have two pet assassins, the West Shore Mafia, an army of killer kangaroos, another army of mutant polar bears, and a fleet of pirate ships I can send after you.

A/N (4/2/05): Sorry it took so long to get back to this. I blame Senior Project and my new obsession with Stargate. Actually, I seem to have lost my notes for Chapter 11, which is not a good thing, because that just so happens to be this chapter. I have Chapters 12, 13, 13 ½, maybe 14, and definitely 15, but no Chapter 11. But at least I know what I was going to call it, so I think I'll BS it from there. Oh, by the way, I've been writing a few Stargate fanfics, and in my opinion they're pretty good. Some of the better ones are still upcoming, though. Like Attack of the Mutant Penguins. That's where my evil twin takes over the world, and I'm acting a bit more like Lyn. So if you like this story, I think you'll like that one when it comes out.

A/N # 2 (4/2/05): Guess what? On impulse, I just went and cleaned the papers out of one of my bins that I filled with junk right before the hurricane just in case the roof came off, and at the very bottom of the pile I found… you got it… Chapter 11! Oh, and by the way, the whole lock-picking thing, with MacGyver and all, well, it's true. Isn't my daddy cool?

Thanks to Fireblade K'Chona for my one (third person singular) review. Okay, probably no one got that, because it's a reference to a certain funny quote from MacGyver, but that's okay. Ooh, I have a happy quote for today! "This is personal. First person singular." Pete Thornton, from MacGyver. Oh, and by the way, General Jack O'Neill from Stargate SG-1 outranks Captain Jack Sparrow! Oh, hey, I think I just managed to understand Tom's explanation for time travel. Listening to Captain/Major/Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter (to distinguish her from _my_ Samantha Carter) helps a bit. The whole slingshot around a large mass is from the Stargate episode 1969.

Lyn was in great high spirits after the dance. She decided to tell the entire world about her upcoming marriage to Jack. There was a conference coming up, which would be broadcast to the whole nation. Coincidentally it was about the pirate threat.

Nick drove them to the conference. The guards tried to stop them, but they had a bit of trouble doing that while unconscious. The doors were locked, of course, to keep out unwanted visitors, but that was why they'd brought along Aunt Sammy. She hadn't yet discovered a lock she couldn't pick.

There was a bit of a tense moment as Lyn wondered whether Sammy would be able to pick a lock unlike any she'd ever seen before. Maybe Lyn herself would have to pick the lock. She could probably do it, but it might take a while. Her father had actually taught her how to pick locks when she became interested in this old TV show called MacGyver. Her father had bought her a pocketknife and they'd taken the lock off a door so she could practice picking it. Actually, all she'd managed to do was pick the lock closed. Once. She hadn't been able to undo or repeat the process without resorting to the key.

She needn't have worried. After about a minute of fumbling, the lock clicked open.

Lyn sauntered past the astonished committee members and took the mike from President Bush himself. "Thank ye," she said to him. "Oh, by the way, I'd'a voted for ye, if'n I'd been old enou' to vote. Howdy y'all!" she said to the camera. "I'm one o' them pirates these gennelmen 'ave been talkin' 'bout. Discursin', or whate'er that word is." She, of course, knew perfectly well which word she wanted, but it was fun to pretend ignorance. "Anyhoo, I jes' wanned to let y'all know that I'm getting' married. Yer all invited to the wedding. Drinks all around!" She gave the microphone back to the astonished president and left.

So finally the time came for Jack and Lyn to be married. There were plenty of guests, due to the promise of "drinks all around." Lyn insisted on having a proper wedding. First of all they dressed Uncle Jack in cleric's robes and stood him in a church and made him preside over the ceremony. He was more than a little drunk and had trouble reading the words. Things like "to have and to hold" came out as "to hate unto holes" and various other malapropisms. Lyn had apparently memorized the ceremony beforehand (she had a habit for doing things like that), and she kept correcting Uncle Jack whenever he'd mess up.

Lyn herself wore a corset, which Trey offered to help her put on. Katie slapped him for the offer.

"No, thanks," Lyn declined. "I can put it on meself." And she did. A year of wearing a back brace had taught her how to breathe while having the breath crushed out of her, and how to put on said breath-crushing apparatus.

Jack fidgeted through the entire ceremony. He was _not_ comfortable in the suit Lyn had made him wear. "God save us from religion," Trey muttered, on more than one occasion.

After "to hate unto holes," Jack looked ready to make a witty remark, but Lyn leveled a glare at him (after correcting Uncle Jack), and that was all it took. "I do," he replied somberly. He shifted nervously.

Lyn smiled radiantly at him. All brides were radiant, and all grooms were nervous. It was a law of nature. Lyn considered briefly whether they should have broken it. Ah, well. Too late now.

"If there are any ejections to this union, speak now of forever hold your peace."

"I object!" Toby Stormwind said—or maybe it was Sam. It must have been Sam, because his brother took out a can of silly string and sprayed it all over his face. Only Toby would carry silly string to a wedding.

"I withdraw me objection!" Sam announced, spitting silly string out of his mouth. "That stuff tastes nastier than it smells."

Finally, after the ceremony had taken about three times as long as it should have, and they got to the "I now declare you husher and strife" ("Husband and wife!" Lyn hissed, and Uncle Jack hastily corrected himself) and "You may kiss the bride."

Then they got to the reception, which Lyn insisted be out on the beach. First, though, they had to clear the beach of all the dead fish, because red tide had just come in, and the beach stank to high heaven.

There was also the problem of the very wet cat, because Gypsy wanted some loving so Lyn threw her in the water. For those of you who have never had the misfortune to smell the stench, wet cat also stinks to high heaven, even worse than dirty dog.

They passed around the alcohol until all the guests who'd shown up for the drinks were roaring drunk, then picked their pockets and emptied their wallets of cash. Then they were sent on their way.

Only then did they break open the stashes of candy and cake and cookies and noise makers and party poppers.

"Shiny!" Kyra said when Lyn set off a party popper. Lyn set off the next one directly at Kyra, remembering absently that you weren't supposed to do that. The Martian girl danced among the shiny, smiling vacantly. "Shiny."

Lyn wandered toward the cookies. She munched on them absently while watching Jack. While she was thus distracted, Toby managed to spray rainbow silly string all over her wedding dress. She then chased him all over the field until she managed to catch him and confiscate the silly string. This is not to say that the silly string saw no more use; far from it! Lyn sprayed all her guests, then chased Jack around and sprayed him too.

And finally it was time to retire to the bedroom, and well, we'll just close the bedroom door, and whatever happens on the other side is none of our business. But I'll put it this way, at least: Lyn really wanted Jack's babies.


	12. When the Hunters Are Hunted

Disclaimer: Do I look like I work for Disney? (looks at self) Nope. Do I look rich? (looks at self again) Nope. Then I don't own it.

A/N (4/9/05): Today is Prom! Yippee! And I have a date. (does happy-dance). Oh, and I've never seen the Matrix, so, well, Agent Smith... well. Forgive any slight wrongness of character.

A/N (4/29/05): Yeah, the whole importing our gangs thing, well, it's kinda sad, but that really happened. Someone wanted someone else beat up, so they called in a gang from another school. Oh, and it's Sparkle Friday (because I decided to go all-out sparkle today), and I got dress-coded! It took them long enough. I guess they weren't out to get me 'cause I'm usually a good kid. But today, according to Dean Melia, I was a "walking rule violation." Not only did my sparkly shirt show my midriff, I was (gasp) listening to my CD player while walking down the hallway, so both the shirt and CD player were confiscated and I had to put on another shirt. Which means I can't listen to music in Art class on Monday and maybe get a detention out of it…. Now, as for Jacky and Jaimy, the cats, they really do exist, but last time I went to the hunting camp only Jaimy came when I called, so I think Jacky's dead, and I think Jaimy died while I was there because she didn't come the last day. Sniff.

Fireblade K'Chona: That last line was actually a last-minute add-in inspired by the Stargate episode I watched last night. It was the one about the girl who wanted Jack's babies, Jack being, in this case, Colonel Jack O'Neill, who outranks Captain Jack Sparrow.

LadyAkhana: I'm not sure I get half the jokes anymore, so it's all good. There're probably lots of references to random books that I read and, now, random TV shows that I've watched, most of them from the Sci Fi channel. But I'm glad you like the jokes that you do get!

* * *

Agent Smith shook his head as he reviewed the packet of information they'd given him. Pirates, of all things. Well, at least it promised to be interesting. So far, these pirates had kidnapped several children (or were the children the pirates?), attacked a school (defended it from attack?), led the cops on a high-speed chase down the interstate, stolen a sailboat, stolen a police boat, escaped from execution, stolen a horse, sent a letter to the governor saying that now he had to hang them, got caught again (let themselves get caught?), escaped from hanging, stolen a toilet seat, and gone on national television inviting everyone to a wedding. They had a sense of humor; ergo the case had gone to him. The government couldn't understand humor.

* * *

"I've got news," Lyn announced. She was back from this spying trip she'd gone on to scout out how the general population was taking the fact of their existence. "There's a detective after us. Name of Agent Smith." 

"An' we don't even have Uncle Jack to help us out," Toby said, making it sound like a curse, while his brother Sam swore under his breath. Uncle Jack had disappeared perhaps two weeks ago, leaving not a single trace.

"Does he look like Elrond?" Katie asked.

"I don't know," Lyn replied. "Why would he look like Elrond?"

Katie shook her head. "Nevermind."

"No, really, why?" Lyn persisted. She'd never learned when to keep her mouth shut. Her parents had always sent her to good schools where no one ever got beat up—in fact, at her high school they had to import gangs from other schools. So they never beat her up when she wouldn't keep her mouth shut, and she never learned not to ask questions.

Katie sighed. "Because Hugo Weaving played Agent Smith in the Matrix," she explained.

"Oh. Who's Hugo Weaving?"

Katie gave her a look like she'd just gone off the deep end—no, more like Katie was going to _push_ her off the deep end, good twin or no, if she didn't stop with these incessant questions. "Elrond," she said shortly.

"Huh?" Lyn, obviously, hadn't taken the hint.

"Hugo Weaving is Elrond. Or, rather, he plays him in _The Lord of the Rings._"

"Oh." Lyn got that lightbulb look that's ever so amusing when someone gets it five minutes after the joke. That's really the best laugh of all, watching the slow ones figure it out. "I get it now. So Agent Smith would look like Elrond because they're played by the same dude." She tapped her head with one finger. "Smart."

Katie shook her head.

"Let's go find Tom," Lyn suggested. "'E's seen the Matrix," she added by way of explanation. "All three of 'em, I think."

* * *

When they knocked on the door to Lyn's old house on Thirteenth Avenue, Tom appeared, carrying two calico cats. 

"They're adorable!" Jack cooed. He gave up his traditional swaying walk (that he'd totally copied from his father) in order to rush to take one from Tom. "What's 'is name, son?" he asked, his voice a bit muffled as he rubbed his face against the cat's soft fur.

"_Her_ name is Jacky," Tom replied.

"Because she's a calico," Lyn explained. "For Calico Jack, savvy? In fact, I think Calico Jack's the pirate a'ter which yer da was based, in th' movie, don't ye know. T'other one's Jaimy, because of a book I read, _Bloody Jack_—good book—abou' this girl 'oo dresses up as a boy an' calls 'erself 'Jacky,' an' she falls in love with this boy called Jaimy, 'cause 'is name is James. Only Jaimy the cat's a girl, too, so really they're both girls with guys' names that sound like girls' names."

Jack nodded, then shook his head. "Love, I think ye've managed to give me a hangover."

"O' course, 'cause yer drunk with lovin' me, ain'tcha."

Tom rolled his eyes.

"An' yer in love with Kay," Lyn went on blithely. "Ye really should ask the girl out, ye know. Lover-boy."

Tom tried to aim a punch at her and managed to drop Jaimy. Lyn scooped up the cat and held her protectively. "Anyhoo, we got 'em at this huntin' camp in Sou' Carolina, durin' Spring Break a year ago. Firs' we went to Nor' Carolina, where it snowed an' I wrote this cool song abou' Death an' 'is Shadow, an' then we went to the camp to stay overnight. There were lots o' cats there, half a dozen of 'em, an' I made friends wi' these two, so th' guy there tol' me t' take 'em home wi' me. Me mum an' da wou'n't alow it, but th' kitties snuck inta th' RV an' we were miles away afore they knew they were in there. They hid in th' closet, see, under all th' clothes."

"'Ow d'you tell 'em apart?" Jack asked.

"Jaimy 'as the pointy thing on 'er forehead," Lyn replied.

"Meow," whined the orange and white cat. Tom scooped her up. "And this is Mystery. She's named after Data's cat. She's from the hunting camp, as well, though from a different visit."

"She's the only cat who likes Tom," Lyn whispered to Jack. "The others can't stand 'im. 'Specially Maximus, poor thing—an' here 'e is now."

A small furry grey rocket launched itself into Lyn's already full arms and clung there, shivering with fright. Lyn stroked the poor cat until he'd calmed down. Another furball, this one white, followed, barking. "Scat, you nasty dog," Lyn scolded. "Scaring my poor half-cat like that. You should know better!"

Peeves, who had, of course, followed them, frowned at Tom. "He looks like he should still be in school."

"'E is," Lyn said with a shrug. "It don' really matter. It's Christmas break, right Tom?"

Tom nodded. "So, what's new?" he asked.

"Well," Lyn began, "ye already know Jack an' I got married. I think Katie's pregnant, but she might jes' be getting' fat."

Katie punched Lyn in the side.

Lyn recovered and continued. "Uncle Jack disappeared on the 13th—odd, it wasn't a Friday. We're not too worried, 'cept someone sicced a detective on us. Er, Toby an' Sam 'ave girlfriends. Jenny an' Becky, right?"

Toby nodded. He'd come along in order to plot some pranks with Peeves. "Jenny's gonna be takin' me to meet 'er parents soon."

"Are you planning to propose?" Katie asked. She was leaning on Trey to take some of the weight off her back.

"Maybe," Toby said. "She is a real nice girl."

"A wedding!" Jack and Lyn exclaimed simultaneously. "I love weddings. Drinks all around!" They were unable to do the hand movements due to the fact that they were both carrying cats.

Tom laughed.

Their sister Camembert came out of the house to see what was going on. Her boyfriend, who was visiting for the week, followed.

"I got married," Lyn announced happily.

"Lyn," Cam sighed disapprovingly.

"Hey, Lyn," Cam's boyfriend said.

"Salvete," Lyn replied. "Ooh!" she said excitedly. "Extra credit in Latin!" Her face fell. "But I'm not _in_ Latin anymore." She sighed. "Ah well. Extra credit for Tom. Right, Kid?"

"Don't call me Kid," Tom said.

"Whatever you say, Kid," Lyn agreed.

They went back to the ships. From there, they plotted several pranks to play on poor Agent Smith. Peeves, of course, was the one to carry them out.

* * *

An explosion that sounded so close it must have been nearly on top of his house startled Agent Smith out of his now-familiar reverie about the pirates. He ran in the direction of the sound, curious to see what it was and convinced that the pirates had something to do with it. 

His bathroom was in ruins. It looked like someone had put a bomb in the toilet. Well, that someone might still be around.

Like in the next room. Only, "that someone" was floating in midair, wearing the most outrageous orange doublet. "That someone" stuck out his tongue and blew a loud wet raspberry at Agent Smith, then began chucking sticks at the poor detective. Where he got the sticks Smith had no idea. They seemed just to appear out of midair. "Stop that this instant, before I call the police." Actually, he had half a mind to call the police anyway, not that he was certain it would do much good against whatever that _thing_ was.

"Oh, I'm so scared," "that _thing_" said mockingly. "Don't call the police! Oh no! The Muggles are going to hurt me! I'm _so_ scared!"

"Who are you?" Agent Smith demanded, dodging yet more sticks. Where _was_ he getting them? And what on earth were Muggles?

The little man stopped throwing sticks long enough to execute a comical bow. "Peeves the Poltergeist, at your service. Formerly of Hogwarts, have since been evicted and am now residing on various pirate ships. Oh, by the way, the pirates send their love." With that, he disappeared, but not before somehow lobbing a mudball the size of a couch at the detective.

* * *

The pirates, inordinately pleased at their little prank, decided to write Agent Smith a letter. "Pirates, ye be warned," Lyn wrote. 

Tom grabbed the pencil out of her hand and wrote, "That was the last adventure."

"Yeah, we're the pirates now," Katie added.

"Aye, not yeah," Lyn corrected.

"If you keep arguing like this, we'll all be caught," Katie wrote.

Lyn looked superior and insufferably _right_. "See? We're still a danger to pirates."

"Extremely dangerous, love," Jack agreed.

"Isn't he sweet?"

"Aren't we supposed to be writing a letter, not random nonsense?" Katie wrote.

"Killjoy," Lyn accused.

"Since none of you are staying on topic, I'll have to take charge," Katie announced—still writing things down instead of speaking aloud, just like the rest of them.

"Hitler," Lyn wrote.

"Thank you, Lyn. Now kindly shut your mouth."

"It is shut."

"Why me?"

"It was your idea to kidnap me."

"Thank you for that reminder. Now, Mr. Agent Smith Elrond Dude, if you want to tell us anything, just write us a letter and leave it with Peeves. He'll be around."

Then they all signed the letter. "Signin' me own death warrant, I am," Lyn said with a grin.

* * *

In all the fuss about dear Agent Smith, Christmas had snuck up on them almost without warning. It was now two days before Christmas, and they received a reply from their darling detective. It went along the lines of be-good-and-play-nice-and-I-might-let-you-off-easy. The pirates had a good laugh, and decided to add to the list of their crimes. 

"Let's play Santa," Lyn suggested. "We'll steal toys an' give 'em to poor kids."

"You're too kindhearted," Katie accused.

Lyn shrugged. "So? I'm supposed to be the good twin."

"Point," Katie conceded.

* * *

Lyn sauntered into Walgreens, twirling two pistols. It took a lot of concentration, but she thought it looked cool. As she sauntered, she sang. "I turned twenty-one in prison doin' life without parole. No one could turn me right, but Momma tried. Momma tried. Momma tried to raise me better but her pleading I denied; so there's only me to blame, 'cause Momma tried." 

Naturally enough, the cashiers and customers who saw her all hastened to dial 9-1-1.

Jack entered after her, brandishing pistol and sword. "Everybody stay calm. We are taking over the store."

Lyn's friend Chris Bacchus—not to be confused with Chris Gurhurt—looked at her like What the Hell is going on here. "Lyn? What on earth?"

"I am now officially one of the crazy people who come into your Walgreens," Lyn told him. "Tell the class all about it when you get back to school."

Some of the other cashiers reacted like Chris. Most either swooned or fainted. Lyn and Jack got to work loading everything that looked like it could be a good Santa gift for poor kids—mostly food—into bags. They loaded the bags in Nick's car and Nick drove them to Wal-Mart, where the others were holding up the store. There, they were just wrapping up. Katie, Trey, Lyn and Jack stayed in the store while the others loaded Nick's car, keeping everyone at bay with pistols (and, in Katie's case, a glare).

Some of the girls in the store tried to get near Jack, disregarding the pistols. One shot from Lyn disabused them of that notion. Others tried to make advances on Trey. Katie stopped most of them with a deepening of her glare. For the rest, a hiss was sufficient. Sometime in all the chaos she'd grown fangs. As in vampire fangs. Somehow Katie managed to pull of "evil vampire" rather well, even though she was very pregnant.

They got out of the store, piled into Nick's car (they had to sit on top of each other in order for all of them to fit), and drove away.

Lyn noticed that Toby was fiddling with a diamond ring. "Toby!" she scolded. "Ye weren't supposed to steal a ring!"

"It's for Jenny," Toby said. "But I was wunnerin' if'n I shoulda bought 'er one."

Lyn shrugged. "It's stolen money anyway," she said philosophically. "Although I'm sure Jenny would rather if ye'd bought it."

Toby nodded. "Ahoy, Nick. We need to go back to the store."

When they got back to Wal-Mart, the cops were already there. Jack grabbed the first non-pirate girl he saw (who happened to be Jenny) and put his pistol to her head.

Toby shook his head and mouthed an exaggerated "no."

Jack was too busy talking to Jenny to notice. "You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?"

"Not that I recall," Jenny replied; "and that's the sort of thing I'd remember. Say, are you a pirate?"

"Of course!"

"Are you with Toby?" Dumb question. Toby was making a grand melodrama of buying the ring while the police looked on, helpless to do anything while Jack had Jenny.

"Aye. You know Toby?"

"Of course I know Toby! He's my boyfriend."

"Oh. So that would make you Jenny?"

"Yes."

"Well. In that case, love, you're the reason we're here. Toby stole a ring for you, but 'e changed 'is mind an' decided to buy it instead."

"You let my friend go!" Becky yelled at Jack, looking ready to do something foolish, but Sam snagged her from behind and began kissing her. "Don't worry," he said between kisses. "'E won' 'urt 'er. 'E's a friend."

Once Toby had finished buying the ring, they left the store. Jack continued to threaten Jenny with his gun, and Sam swept Becky off her feet and carried her to the car. As soon as the doors closed, Nick took off.

Naturally enough, the police gave chase. Nick managed to shake them before they got to the beach. Stupid police. They should've figured out by now that the beach was where the pirates went whenever they fled. Reason number umpteen why there are no airborne rangers in the police.

* * *

Christmas Eve. Nick drove them to several poor neighborhoods and they dropped the presents down the chimneys. After a while Katie volunteered to be Santa. She was certainly round enough. So they broke into a store and stole a Santa costume for her to wear. 

Katie had reason to be thankful for her costume by the end of the night. The temperature dropped well below freezing. Very odd in Florida, but not unheard of. Then it decided to rain. Or, more accurately, snow. _In __Florida_.

Lyn was enchanted. She loved snow.

* * *

Chrismas. Agent Smith woke, got out of bed, and looked out the window. There was snow on the ground. He felt cheated; he'd come to Florida to get away from the snow. It was probably the fault of that damn Poltergeist with his damn _magic_. Not even science, like the Matrix. _Magic._

When he went outside, he heard a cheerful "Merry Christmas!" Then he was attacked by a par of teenagers wielding snowballs. Lovely. "I hate snow," he moaned.

"Ahoy there, mate!" said the one with dirty blonde hair. "I would advise you to stay still."

"Why?" Agent Smith demanded.

"So I can hit you with a snowball!" replied the brown-haired one. With that, he threw a giant snowball directly at Agent Smith and managed to peg him in the face.

"Who are you?"

"The name's Lightning, an' this is me good friend Stormwind," said the one with brown hair.

"Ye make me sound like Grampa, love," the other boy complained.

"Love, is it?" asked Lightning with a grin and raised eyebrows. "Didn't know ye was shaych. An' here I thought ye were sweet on that Jenny girl."

"You little—" Stormwind began, but Lightning interrupted him.

"Now, now, Stormwind, don't be hasty."

Stormwind? Wasn't that the name of one of the pirates who had signed that letter? He didn't recognize the name Lightning, but then, there _had_ been more than four pirates.

Before they could react, he pulled out his gun.

"Oh, shit," Toby said.

Lightning doffed his wool cap and bowed with a flourish. "Excellent detective work, mate. A bit slow, but then, yer on'y human, after all. Lightning Lyn Astra, at yer service."

Agent Smith gaped.

"I'm a girl, son."

"Oh." He regained his composure quickly. "Where are the children you kidnapped?"

"Toby—Stormwind—never kidnapped anyone," Lightning said. "In fact, the on'y kidnappin' in which 'e 'ad any part, 'e protested mos' violently. Tha' was when we kidnapped 'is girlfriend. As fer meself, I returned the two boys I 'elped kidnap. Or, a' least, I gave 'em a motor boat so's they could get 'ome. Now, if ye'll excuse us…"

"Stay where you are," Agent Smith commanded. The trigger felt quite friendly to his finger, and he would like nothing more than to pull it and be done with these menaces, but the government had said no killing unless absolutely necessary.

A shot rang out from his right side. He dodged the bullet. Yet another pirate appeared, this one definitely female and very pregnant, holding a smoking gun. "Damn elf. You forgot your pointy ears."

A very pretty man with long blonde hair appeared briefly, followed by a young-looking man with silver hair in a very dramatic pirate costume. Theatrically ripped silk, a patch over one eye, beads and feathers braided into his hair, cutlass dangling from one hip, and a very mean-looking knife in one hand. A singing man walked toward him, then ran away screaming.

He moved his aim to the pregnant girl and pulled the trigger. After all, _she'd_ shot at _him_ first. Only _something_ knocked her aside before the bullet connected with her flesh. And now he couldn't breathe….

* * *

"Who the Hell are you?" Lyn demanded of the newcomer. She looked like Lyn's mom, except in better shape, like she'd been working out all her life. 

Instead of introducing herself, the newcomer said, "Did you know you had a damn Stargate on your damn ship?"

"Don't you dare insult me father's ship," Jack said, emerging from hiding.

"Oh, great," the stranger said. "You guys have a mini-Jack too. Wonderful. Just wonderful."

"Who are you, and how did you get here?" Katie demanded.

The stranger was apparently rather observant. "Vampire fangs? Real or fake? No, don't answer that. Let me guess, you'd be Friday, and you want to take over the world."

"How do you know that?" Katie demanded. "And what's your name, before I shoot you?"

The stranger laughed. "Well, shooting me won't do you much good, seeing as I'm a goddess. No, really. I'm System Lord Kali, Goddess of Death."

Lyn rolled her eyes. "I _watch_ Stargate, and you look more like me mum than like System Lord Kali."

The stranger rolled her eyes right back. "What a coincidence. I replaced the old System Lord Kali."

"You don't have a deep voice."

"I'm a Tok'ra."

"We are Tok'ra," she corrected herself, in a deeper voice. "I am Shakti, the symbiote."

In a normal voice, she said, "You want to hear my story? I'll tell you my story. It's classified, but at the moment, I don't give a damn. I'm System Lord Kali, Goddess of Death. I used to be Colonel Kali Rainwater, United States Army. Then I retired and got married to Colonel Jack O'Neill. Real cute guy, outranks your Jack, and is legal besides. Air Force. We travel to other planets through an alien device called the Stargate. When Shakti's last host died, we realized that she was Tok'ra and I volunteered to be host. That's how I got into this whole Goddess business in the first place.

"Occasionally I get bored of all the fawning and decide to take a vacation. That never goes well. Also occasionally, I have a bad day and end up in an alternate reality, and things go from bad to worse. So this time, both happened. I went back in time so I could have a nice vacation, and things started going wrong and I ended up in some damn vortex in the Bermuda Triangle, on, of all things, a ship. I'm Army, not Navy. I don't do ships. Well, spaceships I do. My flagship is named the _Millenium__ Falcon_.

"So, I end up on this ship. The _Black Pearl_, of all things. _Cute_, I think. Only I'm accosted by Anamaria, demanding to know who the Hell I am. Just like when I ended up with dear old Luke—that would be Skywalker, by the way. So I turn the tables and ask her a few questions, and finally manage to figure out that mini-me is out here facing some elf-dude from the Matrix, and might need my help. So I get my butt over here only to find out that my evil twin's clone is being shot at. Jedi powers come in useful at times like those. Went Dark Side for a bit, though." She frowned. "Luke wouldn't be too happy with me. Ah well. Elrond needed to be strangled anyway."

Jack didn't even try to follow what she was saying. Lyn only barely understood, and only because this System Lord Kali persona seemed to think like her.

When they got back to the _Pearl_, the Stargate had fallen into the water and sunk, which elicited many interesting phrases from Kali, including what Lyn recognized as Khéósin, although she couldn't understand all of the phrases. _Looks like we've got ourselves another resident._

A/N (4/29/05): So, anyone else the slightest bit peeved about ff.mort's policy on song lyrics? It's not like you can't find the lyrics on the internet, so we're not reducing anyone's paycheck, and it's not like we're claiming we made them up. I just like to put song lyrics in my stories. I guess from now on I'm going to have to use my wonderful parodies from now on. Zandramas on ff.mort!


	13. Insanity Abounds

Into the Vortex: Insanity Abounds

Disclaimer: I own all the insanity in this chapter. Other than that, I don't own anything, except my cat—no, wait, my cat owns me. But I now own a blue fuzzy pen and shiny multi-colored pencils! Woot! Anyhoo...

Author's Note (2/27/04): Here I am, taking a leaf out o' Salienne's book, writin' author's notes an' puttin' th' dates when I'm writin' them. Well, today's Friday, two weeks after th' firs' story takes place. By that I mean Pirates, Ye Be Warned, which I still need t' type an' post. I 'eard that th' next PotC movie's comin' out in 2005. I think it'd be funny if it comes out on May 13, which is th' day this story starts. An' now yer all prolly real confused, an' yer thinkin' I should'a' put this stuff in me firs' author's note. But look at th' date. I'm writin' this before I'm typin' th' beginnin' o' th' story. Anyhoo, I jes' wan'ed t' say that the scary thing is, I came (am comin') up wi' this chapter all by me onesy (or foursy, as th' case may be; fivesy now, I guess, since another personality has been spawned since I took that test that tol' me I had four personalities).

A/N (4/30/05): Okay, so I take that back. I came up with the second part of the chapter all by me onesy/fivesy, but the first part, which I decided to add after I'd already typed the second part, was a joint effort between me an' the Kid, that would be me brother jes' in case y'all didn't know. For once in our lives, we were getting along, and, well, the result is kinda scary.

* * *

As mentioned in the previous chapter, Captain Jack Sparrow, Sr., had recently disappeared—where to, only the Shadow knew. Jack himself had no idea, since he'd never seen anything like it before. But then again, he didn't watch _Star Trek._

Jack examined his surroundings. He was in a corridor, too large to belong to a person of limited wealth, but too plain to belong to the wealthy, and altogether too sterile.

A bald man stepped into the corridor from one of the numerous doors that didn't behave at all like any doors Jack had ever seen. Rather than opening and closing like normal doors, they slid into the walls. Jack shrugged it off philosophically. This was no worse than skeletal pirates or Ultrasonic Flying Oranges.

Then the bald man spotted Jack and did a double-take. Jack got that a lot. "Who are you, and what the Hell are you doing on my ship?" the bald man demanded.

"This is a ship?" Jack asked skeptically. "Awful strange-lookin' ship you got here, mate. Is it a, whaddayacallit, Carnival Cruise ship?" That ship had been awfully big, and could easily have held this corridor.

"It's a starship," the bald man said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And you haven't answered my questions."

"The name's Smith, or Smithy, if you like. As for the rest, I haven't the least ideer 'ow I got here, son." Jack grinned impudently at the bald man.

"I am Captain Picard," the bald man introduced himself, "and as of right now, you are a guest aboard my ship, and I expect you to behave yourself accordingly."

As soon as he had gotten the new arrival to the guest quarters, Picard went to talk this over with Data. "There's a new… guest… aboard the ship. I was wondering if you knew anything about him."

"He appears to be a sailor from 18th Century England. In fact, he very closely resembles the character Jack Sparrow in the 21st Century movie "Pirates of the Caribbean," played by the actor Johnny Depp.

"He claimed his name was Smith."

"Ah. In the movie, Jack Sparrow did that very thing when asked his name by two sailors in the British Navy. Since Jack Sparrow does not exist, we must assume that he is the actor Johnny Depp, somehow transported forward in time."

On that note, they went to find their new guest. They found him where Picard had left him, sleeping on the floor of the guest quarters.

"Mr. Depp," Picard said.

Jack raised his head blearily. "Captain. It's Captain Jack S—Smith." Obviously he wasn't quite on top of things.

"Mr. Depp," Picard repeated.

"The name's Smith, not Depp," Jack insisted. "Bloody Hell, you've got to be the tenth person who's called me that since I started this adventure."

"In that case, you are a nonexistent 18th Century pirate by the name of Jack Sparrow," Data announced.

"Captain Jack Sparrow," Jack corrected. For goodness' sake, why couldn't anyone get his title right?

Picard raised an eyebrow. "So your name is not Smith."

Jack shrugged elaborately. "Apparently I am a nonexistent pirate from the 18th Century by the name of Captain Jack Sparrow. What day is it, by the way?"

"Saturday, February 14th," Data replied. He didn't provide a year, not that Jack cared. He was tired of trying to keep track of what year it was. He'd never done that great a job back in his own time, so why start now?

But… Saturday the 14th. "Huh. Looks like that bloody girl was right."

Commander Riker entered at that point. "What girl?"

"About what?" Picard asked.

"Lyndsay Astra," Jack replied. "Lyndsay Sparrow, now. She married my son. Calls 'erself Lightning. Craziest girl I ever met—an' that's including Samantha Williams."

"Right about what?" Picard repeated.

"About Friday the 13th an' all the crazy stuff that happens then."

Data gave him a superior look. "Friday the 13th is no more nor less strange than any other day."

"Oh really?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "On Friday, the 13th of May, 1988, the craziest girl ever to curse the face of the earth was born." He only knew that much because Lyn had drilled it into his head. Same for the rest of it. "On Friday, the 13th of February, 2004, the _Black Pearl_ showed up on the eastern coast of Florida and kidnapped two children, name of Lyndsay and Tomas Astra. On Friday, the 13th of August of the same year, the _Black Pearl_ showed up again on the same beach, an' kidnapped a young girl named Kathleen Adams, now known as Killjoy Kate. On Friday, the 13th of May, 2005—"

"Thank you, Mr. Sparrow," Picard interrupted. "That is enough."

"—the _Black Pearl_ showed up yet again, after traveling through the bloody vortex in the Bermuda Triangle, and kidnapped Lyndsay Astra a second time."

"Data?" Picard asked.

Data checked his memory banks. "It is true that a girl named Kathleen Adams disappeared from her home on the east coast of Florida on the 13th of August in 2004, and that Lyndsay Astra disappeared on the 13th of May in 2005. However, both were reportedly seen I late May during an attack on a local high school. Around that time there was also a report of a sighting of the _Black Pearl_ by tourists aboard the _Carnival Glory_. However the report was discounted because the _Black Pearl_, of course, did not exist."

"Well, I wish I could be in me nonexistent ship right now," Jack said, a bit wistfully. "A nonexistent pirate in a nonexistent ship."

"You're a pirate?" Riker asked. He'd come in after that part of the conversation.

"No," Jack said scornfully. "I'm the daughter of a pirate, not a pirate myself."

"_What!_"

"He said that he was the daughter of a pirate," Data said. "I assume he was being facetious, because it would be biologically impossible—"

"Data?" Picard interrupted.

"Yes, sir?"

"Shut up."

"Yes, sir."

The three people from the _Enterprise_ left, and Jack watched closely to learn how they opened the door.

* * *

"You appear to be preoccupied with something, Captain," Data observed.

"I've been thinking about our guest," Picard replied. "He shouldn't have been able to get aboard the ship—he shouldn't even exist!"

"Perhaps there is a problem with the hologram generator," Data suggested. "I will look into it."

* * *

Jack palmed open the door and looked down both sides of the hall to make sure the coast was clear. Reasonably certain that he wouldn't be stopped, he stepped out on a mission to explore this "spaceship" and, perhaps, commandeer it.

A pointy-eared fellow who looked like he'd never laughed in his life stepped out of one of the alcoves to block Jack's way. "You will please stay in your room."

"An' why must I stay in my room?" Jack demanded.

"Because you are a potential threat to the crew."

"But I'm a nonexistent pirate from the 18th Century by the name of Captain Jack Sparrow," Jack protested reasonably. "If I don't exist, how can I be a danger to the crew?"

The grave elven fellow chewed on that for a bit, then dismissed it. "My orders are clear. You are not to leave this room for any reason."

Jack tried a new tactic. "I wonder, do your orders include starving your prisoner?"

"You are not a prisoner. You are a guest."

"Uh-huh. So are all your guests confined to their rooms, or just the potentially dangerous ones?"

"Just the potentially dangerous ones."

"I see. So I suppose the potentially dangerous ones would take care of themselves, then. By starving to death. Eh?"

"Food can be gotten from the replicator. If you are hungry now, simply state what you would like, and I will see that you get it."

"Edible food. With rum," he added, lifting one finger.

The elf herded him back into the room and showed him how to work the replicator, which spat out some rather bland-looking food and a bottle of what he supposed was rum. He used the bottle to give the elf a good rap behind the ears, then took a swig. He spat it out immediately. It was alcohol, yes, but that was all it tasted like. No sweet fruity taste like he liked in his rum.

He wandered around the ship until he came to what looked like a park, with some rather tall trees. Spaceships had to do with the space program, he recalled from one of Tom's lectures. So what were trees doing growing in space?

That thought was driven from his head when he heard screams from one of the trees. A small child was trapped and could not get down. He turned to a youth in a blue uniform. "Will you be saving him, then?"

"I can't climb," said the youth.

"Pride of the space program, _you_ are. Do not lose these." He handed the kid his synthohol and hat. Sure the stuff tasted nasty, but it was alcohol. He might just want to get drunk. He climbed up the tree and handed the child down to Picard, who had just arrived.

Picard looked stern. "You were supposed to stay in your quarters."

Jack threw his arms up dramatically. "Maybe I should stop rescuin' people. It always seems to get me in trouble, for some reason."

"How did you get out of your quarters?"

Jack grinned impudently. "Easy. I opened the door, mate."

The kid handed him back his synthohol and hat.

"Thank you," Jack said. He uncorked the bottle. "Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!" He took another swig, this time prepared for the nasty taste. It wasn't so bad, really. He'd had worse.

"We're devils and black sheep," a little girl began to sing.

"And really bad eggs," Jack joined in. "Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! I love this song! Really bad eggs." He stumbled off, singing at the top of his lungs.

* * *

"I checked the holodeck, sir, and there's nothing wrong with it."

"Mr. Sparrow was in there earlier. He was singing something about being proud to be a buccaneer."

"Ah, yes. The tune belongs to a patriotic song popular in the late 20th and early 21st century America. He should not have known the tune."

Picard groaned.

"Perhaps he learned the song in the year 2005, when there was the purported sighting of the _Black Pearl_. I am beginning to consider the possibility that he was telling the truth. Indeed, that version of the song was temporarily popular in various parts of the United States, beginning with the high school which was the target of the pirate attack. It was supposedly written by the girl Lyndsay Astra."

"Supposedly?"

"Lyndsay Astra became something of a local legend. According to the stories, she and her brother suddenly became excellent fencers in the middle of February in 2004. The stories also claim that she found Jack Sparrow's hat. Another story claims that she single-handedly hijacked a Disney Carnival Cruise ship. Several stories portray her as an elf."

* * *

More stuff happened, including an encounter with French space pirates, but that's not really important to this story. What is important is that exactly a month after Jack's arrival, the _Enterprise_ lost engine power while orbiting Earth and began to fall toward the ground.

* * *

Imagine all the freaks from your high school, added to all the politicians you can name. Now imagine all those people stuck on an island with nothing to do. Now imagine that insanity multiplied by ten, and you've got the level of craziness that was present at the time.

It started with Uncle Jack's disappearance. In the middle of December, he just vanished without a trace. A month later, his whereabouts were still unknown. If Uncle Jack had been there, at least one of the ships would have gotten out okay. But he wasn't, so when the Coast Guard and the redcoats ran aground while chasing the pirate ships, all the pirates pointed and laughed, and none of them paid attention to where they were headed. Shortly thereafter, they, too, had run aground.

So the Coast Guard, the redcoats, and the pirates were stuck on a tropical island, which would have been bad enough by itself. But no, fate—or Friday—wasn't content to leave it at that. This was yet another Friday the 13th, and Friday's Law, as Lightning called it, was coming into play with full force.

"What's that?" Tom asked. He pointed at a strange shape in the sky.

"It's a bird!" Lyn cried. "It's a plane! It's—"

"It looks like a spaceship," Katie said, half-jokingly. "It _is_ a UFO, after all."

Lyn grinned. "Help! We're—" She doubled over in laughter.

"Breathe, Lyn," said Katie.

When Lyn finally calmed down, she began again. "Help! We're being attacked by an Ultrasonic Flying Orange!"

Beth, who'd been protected from most of the vagaries of the Bermuda Triangle, gave Lyn an edgy look. "Ha!" said Lyn. "I can still scare the little kids. Don't worry, Beth, I'm perfectly insane. Crazier than Sammy. Craziest girl around."

"Sammy" rolled her eyes. She was over forty now, and did not appreciate being referred to as "Sammy," but she knew that there was no reasoning with Lyn. When she was twenty-five, Jack Sparrow had declared her to be the craziest girl he'd ever met; twenty years ago, Lyn had received that title, although for Lyn it had been more like two years. "Herald Lyndsay is crazier. Thinks she's from another world. Vethkar or something."

"Velgarth," Herald Lyndsay corrected.

"She _is_ from another world," Lyn said.

"And she talks to her horse," Samantha added.

"Companion," both Lyndsays corrected.

At that moment, Tom cried, "It's a spaceship!"

"_She _is a _Companion_," Herald Lyndsay repeated.

Lyn wiggled her eyebrows in a wave pattern to show that she didn't see the sense in what Tom had said. "Kid, you just went over the edge into lunacy."

"No, look!" Tom insisted, pointing toward the sky. Toward the spaceship.

"Oh," Lyn said, looking abashed.

"Oh," Tom said, in an it-took-you-long-enough tone of voice.

"But I'm supposed to be Jack!" Lyn protested.

Junior pointed out, "You _are_ Sparrow."

"Wee! Wee!" Lyn flapped her arms. Her face fell. "I can't fly."

"Come _on_!" Tom yelled. "It's the _Enterprise_!"

The ship landed in the water. A shuttle came out. The shuttle crashed into the palm trees. The exit ramp came out. The first person out was—

"Jack Sparrow?"

"_Captain_ Jack Sparrow," Lyn corrected her brother.

"_Ensign_ Jack Sparrow," Tom insisted impudently.

"Cap'n Picard!" Jack called. "Data! Come take a look at this. More nonexistent pirates from the 18th Century, an' a few from the 21st Century."

"The _Enterprise_ doesn't exist either," Lyn said.

"It _will_," Tom said.

"Yes, and Captain Jack Sparrow is a real person," Lyn said, suppressing a grin.

"What's that?" Norrington demanded, gesturing toward the _Enterprise_.

"It's called a spaceship, mate," Lyn drawled. Katie winced.

"Please don't do that. Once accent at a time, savvy?"

"Aye, savvy."

Meanwhile, the Coast Guard had gone off on their own and were now singing patriotic songs, possibly in an attempt to convince themselves that they were better than these crazy pirates. Lyn recognized the first song: "God Bless the USA." When they were finished singing it, she called to her friends, "C'mon, y'all, let's show 'em what _real_ singin's like!"

If tomorrow all the loot were gone I'd stolen on this run,

An' I had to start again with just me Captain and 'is son,

I'd thank my lucky stars that I was on this ship today,

'Cause the flag still stands for freedom, an' they can't take that away!

An' I'm proud to be a buccaneer, where at least I know I'm free,

An' I won't forget the Captain brave, who gave that right to me,

An' I'd gladly stand up next to you an' defend 'er out at sea,

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this ship... a pirate's life for me!

From the taverns of Tortuga to the slums of Port Royal,

Across the waves that take us where eagles wheel an' call,

We'll sail to that horizon, in good spirits all the way,

'Cause there's pride in every buccaneer 'eart, an' it's time we stood to say:

I'm proud to be a buccaneer, where at least I know I'm free,

An' I won't forget the Captain brave, who gave that right to me,

An' I'd gladly stand up next to you an' defend 'er out at sea,

'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this ship... a pirate's life for me!

Well, the Coast Guard weren't going to stand for that. They began singing the national anthem; not even pirates would dare to make a parody of that. But the pirates didn't need to. As soon as they were through, Uncle Jack laughed and began to sing the drinking song to which the national anthem had been set.

In the middle of the song, another voice joined in, and Lyn looked from Uncle Jack... to the newcomer... to Uncle Jack... to the newcomer... to Uncle Jack... to the newcomer... to... until she forgot which one was which. "Where are we?" That must have been the newcomer.

"I think Merry an' Pippin have fixed th' cloning machine," Lyn remarked.

"I'm not quite sure exactly where we are, son," Uncle Jack admitted. "Somewhere in th' Bermuda Triangle would by my guess. In the year 2005."

"Two thousand six," Katie corrected.

"One was bad enough," Riker said. "Now there are three of them?" He meant Jack, the newcomer, and Junior.

"Jonny's the name," the newcomer introduced himself. "Jonathan Kingsley. But, sad to say, there actually are two Jack Sparrows. Stay away from both of them if you value your sanity." At that, Riker looked so scared that Jonny had to laugh.

The CG began another song; this time it was "God Bless America." Jonny made up a parody on the spot: "God bless the _Liberty_, ship that I love. Stand beside 'er, an' guide 'er, through the night with the light from above. From the taverns of Tortuga to the oceans white with foam, God bless the _Liberty_, my home sweet home. God bless the _Liberty_, my home sweet home!"

It quickly devolved into a contest for who could come up with the better song. The CG sang "Battle Hymn of the Republic"; Lyn countered with "Dixie." After they sang "My Country 'Tis of Thee," Bard Woggle, who was getting into the spirit of the contest, came up with a song with the same tune: "Sweet ocean 'tis of thee, great sea of liberty, of thee I sing. Sea that the pirates hail, sea where my fathers dwell, from every ship's tall sail, let freedom ring!"

The Coast Guard then tried "America the Beautiful." Lyn totally bested them with a song her sister and friends had made up. "Oh beautiful for theorems proved, which finish Q.E.D. Conjectures, lemmas, postulates, reach to infinity! Oh Mathcamp alma mater dear, we love the golden phi. From epsilons to polygons, the only place to be!

"Oh beautiful for nots and links, for computations' reign. For real, discrete, and Abel's crew are filling up my brain. Oh Mathcamp alma mater dear, our home forever more. For all our days, we'll keep your ways, both mellow and hardcore."

The CG were getting rather riled up by this time. In an attempt to calm down, they sang "This Land Is My Land."

"This ship is our ship, an' it ain't your ship, an' it's our freedom that we will worship, from the port of Nassau, to Port Royal's taverns, this ship was made to sail the sea."

The CG next sang "Swannee River."

"Who wants to be around a bunch o' old folks?" Lyn demanded.

"Lyn," Jack said warningly.

"Old people are slow, an' they smell like Gimbel!"

"Lyn."

"Ooh, look, fiddles!" Lyn exclaimed. "Ha! Jack, you devil, come 'ere! Jonny, you too!" She whispered something to them, then began to sing. "Oh, the devil went down to Georgia. He was lookin' for a soul to steal. He was in a bind, 'cause 'e was way behind, an' 'e was willin' to make a deal. He came across this young man sawin' on a fiddle an' playin' it hot, an' the devil jumped up on a hickory stump an' said:"

"Boy, let me tell you what," Jack sang. "In case you didn't know it, I'm a fiddle player too, an' if you care to take a dare I'll make a bet with you. Now you play pretty good fiddle, boy, but give the devil 'is due. I'll bet a fiddle o' gold against yer soul 'cause I think I'm better'n you."

"The boy said:"

"My name's Jonny, an' it might be a sin, but I'll take yer bet, yer gonna regret, 'cause I'm the best there's ever been," Jonny sang.

"Jonny, rosin up yer bow, an' play yer fiddle hard, 'cause hell's broke lose in Georgia an' the devil deals the cards. An' if you win you get that shiny fiddle made of gold, but if you lose the devil gets your soul." She paused for the fiddle music. "The devil opened up 'is case an' said:"

"I'll start this show."

"Fire flew from 'is fingertips as 'e rosined up 'is bow. He drew the bow across the strings an' it made a evil hiss. Then a band o' demons joined in, an' it sounded somethin' like this." There was another pause. "When the devil finished, Jonny said:"

"Now, yer pretty good, ol' son. But sit down in that chair right there an' let me show you how it's done."

"He played."

"Fire on the mountains, run boys run. Devil's in the house with the risin' sun. Chicken in the breadpan, pickin' out dough. Granny does yer dog bite, no, child, no."

"The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat. He laid that golden fiddle down on the ground at Jonny's feet. Jonny said:"

"Devil, just come on back, if you ever wanna try again. I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best there's ever been."

Of course, the CG wasn't going to let the pirates have the last say, so they began to sing "The Devil Went Back Down to Georgia," only Lyn drowned them out with her screeching. She had a nice voice most of the time, and a loud voice most of the time, but rarely the twain would be at the same time.

Apparently the Coast Guard had gotten into some of the pirates' rum, because one of them stood up rather unsteadily and challenged the pirates to a race.

"I'm on it!" Lyn said.

So they plotted out a racecourse. The CG captain, as Lyn could tell from his stripes, was faster, and Lyn wasn't going to stand for that. So when he passed her on the way back, she kicked him in the stomach, leaving him winded and easily passed. Lyn tripped on the sand on the way back and he almost caught up with her, but she put on a burst of speed and barely made it to the finish line first. "You cheated!" he accused.

Lyn smiled innocently. "Pirate."

He grabbed her and threw her into the water. In retaliation, the other pirates grabbed him and the rest of the CG and threw them into the water. When the Navy tried to join the fray, they also took a swim, except most of them couldn't swim and almost drowned in three feet of water.

Katie, meanwhile, was having her baby, a boy whom she named William Turner the Third. Go figure.

System Lord Kali watched it all from her vantage point ten feet in the air. How she managed to stay there, no one could tell. She was chanting something—what was it? Oh, that old Airborne Rangers chant of Lyn's. "Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Coast Guard."

"In the Coast Guard!" Lyn said.

"Oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Coast Guard."

"In the Coast Guard!"

"'Cause they're chasing after pirates, and they don't know how to fight us, oh, there are no airborne rangers in the Coast Guard."

"In the Coast Guard!"

* * *

Uncle Jack woke up three days later with a headache the size of Jamaica. "What day is it?" he asked. He was answered by several shrugs. Everyone else had also been out for the past two days, and had no more idea than him what day it was.

Uncle Jack squinted at the sky. It was still dark out. He decided to go back to sleep.

"Oh no you don't," said that crazy girl who'd been floating in the air singing Lyn's song. "It's Monday."

"How do you know?" Uncle Jack grumbled. Bloody girl. She sounded too damn cheerful. And that stick she was holding in her hand glowed. And it gave off the most annoying buzzing sound, which made his head pound more than ever.

"I swore off getting drunk when I married Jack," she replied. "I figured one of us had to be sober at all times, and it sure wasn't going to be Jack."

That got his attention. "Huh?" Maybe she was Lyn come back from the future. That made sense, in a Tom sort of way. Except she had a different name. Collie or something.

"You know, Colonel Jack O'Neill. He outranks you. He's actually the clone of General Jack O'Neill, from when my buddy Loki stole Jack's ass and made a mini-him. Loki's probably still behind bars for that one."

Uncle Jack squinted at her, hoping this was all just a dream. He'd caught maybe every other word she said. And wasn't Loki a Norse god?

"Loki's an Asgard," the crazy lady explained. "Norse god of mischief. The Asgard are the Roswell aliens, which you wouldn't know about since they're after your time. Little grey guys, three feet tall, big heads, skinny legs, enormous eyes. Can't miss 'em."

"Yer crazier than Lyn," Uncle Jack declared.

"No, actually, Lyn's crazier than I am, I just seem crazier. I would never take most of the risks she's been taking, for no reason but that it's fun. I risk my life for the betterment of the universe—mine and all the other alternate ones I keep getting thrown into, one of which would be this one. Now get up."

She wandered off, still waving that glowing stick of hers, singing something about a guy called Anakin. She found Tom easily enough. "Tom, kid, wake up. Time to go to school."

"I don't wanna go to school," Tom whined. "I got a headache."

"I don't care. Get up."

"But Mom—"

"I'm not your mother, I'm your sister from an alternate reality."

That jolted Tom out of sleep. "Alternate reality? No, you're too old to be my sister. You're like as old as my mom!"

Kali rolled her eyes. "Not quite, kiddo. Old enough to be your mom, I'll grant you that. Though I don't look it." And she didn't. But that was because she had a snake living in her head that kept her from aging. "Now get your butt out of bed so I can take you to school."

"How am I going to get there?"

"Well, there's a nice spaceship right over there. I think I can figure out how to fly it. Just don't ask me to use the weapons."

There had to be a story behind that, but Tom knew better than to ask.

Unfortunately, Lyn was also awake by this time, and she _didn't _know better. "Why?"

"Well, there was that one time when Blake was flying me up to that big Goa'uld mothership so we could rescue Méra and Zak, and those bloody Jaffa warriors had to come after us in their death gliders, and I couldn't hit a one of them. Managed to hit the mothership, though. Damaged the inertial dampeners. That was a problem when the Kid was trying to fly the mothership back to Omalya, and managed to knock everyone out when he finally got the damn thing moving. Broke my leg, too."

Lyn winced. Tom looked like you-deserved-what-you-got. Uncle Jack just looked confused.

"C'mon, Kid. Let's get you to school," Kali said. She finally turned off the glowy light stick thingy, which was in fact a lightsaber. She grabbed Tom by the scruff of his neck and dragged him into the Enterprise, which had been vacated of its crew.

The ship, of course, wouldn't turn on. The engines were all dead. "Hmm. Guess I'll have to MacGyver this," Kali muttered.

At that moment, MacGyver himself walked out of one of the doors. "Kali?" he asked, obviously recognizing the crazy Jedi lady. "Is this your ship?"

"Actually, this is the _Enterprise_," Kali said, frowning at the engine. "I don't suppose you'd know how to fix it." Then she seemed to really notice that MacGyver was there. "Wait. I came through the Stargate, but right now it's at the bottom of the ocean—so how in Sokar's name did _you_ get here?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I thought you'd beamed me up or something."

"No, don't have any Asgard beaming technology on this ship, and besides, we're still on land."

Tom just laughed. "You could've used the _Enterprise__'s_ beaming technology."

MacGyver looked at Tom. "Who's he? Jack Junior?"

Tom looked offended.

"No, Junior's still a little kid. That's my brother in this reality. More time-travel stuff, you know."

"Somebody call my name?" Jack (Junior) asked, boarding the ship.

Only Tom seemed to understand what on Earth, Omalya, or Abydos he meant. "Yeah, _she_ did."

"Did not," Kali protested. "What _is_ your name?"

Jack doffed his tricorn hat with a flourish. "Captain Jack Sparrow, Junior."

"Oh," Kali said. "I shoulda known. Actually, I was talking about my son, Jack O'Neill, Junior. Looks nothing like you, not to mention that he's only five years old."

Jack shook his head and got off the ship.

Meanwhile MacGyver was trying to fix the engine. "There. I think I've got it." He stepped back, and the ship vibrated to life.

"Okay," Kali said, looking at the controls. "I have no idea how to pilot this thing. Kid?"

Tom nodded and took over. He'd watched _Star Trek_ often enough that he knew how to fly the _Enterprise_. Only, he didn't know how to land. So when they got to the school, they managed to crash into the field where frightened children had recently abandoned their game of soccer to watch the UFO. Unfortunately, the other UFO, the orange one, had, for some reason, followed them, and was now wreaking havoc among the poor schoolchildren.

"What the Hell just hit me?" Kali demanded when she got out of the ship and was immediately bowled over by the Ultrasonic Flying Orange.

"Oh, that," Tom said. "That must be the Ultrasonic Flying Orange Lyn was talking about."

Kali held out her hand. She had this ribbony gold thing on it, wrapped around her arm, with a clear red stone in the palm. A glittery force shield formed around her, preventing her from being hit again.

They walked to Attendance. "Hello. I know you, but I don't remember your name," Kali said to the lady who was sitting in attendance. "Oh well. We just came to tell you why Tom has been absent from school. He got kidnapped by pirates. No, really."

"Oh, you mean the pirates who attacked the school last year?"

"Er, I guess. I'm not really sure. Look, I've been busy working on some really important classified stuff at the Cheyenne Mountain Complex, so I've been really out of the loop. All I know is that my cousin asked me to come rescue her son from a bunch of pirates who had kidnapped him over"—she looked at the calendar—"Christmas Break. See, I used to be in Military Intelligence, and I'd go on rescue missions like that all the time. I was going to rescue his sister Lyn as well, but she's one of the pirates, so she didn't want to be rescued."

The attendance lady seemed to accept this explanation, so Kali and MacGyver left. "So," MacGyver said. "Antarctica?"

Kali shook her head. "They've already moved that Gate. Let's try our luck in Colorado. _Maybe_ this time I can convince them I'm a Tok'ra, not a Goa'uld. Failing all else, I'll use Jedi mind-tricks to make them let me go through the Stargate."

"And failing that?"

"Well, there's still the Gate at the bottom of the ocean. I may be able to bring it up to the surface."

MacGyver shook his head. "You are by far the craziest woman I've ever met," he said.

"Lyn's crazier," Kali said.

"Never met her," Mac pointed out.

"Point," Kali allowed. "So, Colorado?"

"Colorado is it."

* * *

Okay, so sorry about that. I forgot that the hijacking of the _Enterprise_ was supposed to be in this chapter. Lost my notes, you see. 


	14. Valentine's Day

Into the Vortex Chapter 14 Valentine's Day

A/N (5/16/05): Well, my 17th birthday passed without major incident, as evidenced by the fact that I am sitting at my computer typing this. Although I did get scolded for my Duct Tape jewelry. Never mind the black lipstick and blue hair; the _Duct Tape_ was distracting. Luckily I'm not going to be attending class at high school ever again. I scraped by with A's in all my classes, so I don't have to take exams. And my mom actually let me skip—again, as evidenced by the fact that I am sitting here at my computer typing this during school hours. Four more days until I'm quit of high school forever. Oh, and, by the way, I have now seen _The Matrix_ and _The_ _Matrix Reloaded._ Am going to see _The Matrix Revolutions_ soon. The movies were much better than I expected. Agent Smith is psycho. And Neo rocks.

A/N (10/11/05): Um, yeah. This chapter is rather pointless. But that's okay! The entire story is pointless. I may edit it later. If I come up with some grand idea. It's just this is part of the plan, and I have the next chapter written, so if this chapter sucks, that's the reason. No inspiration.

A/N (7/21/2006): Yeah, it's been a while. Over a year. I'm terribly sorry, I got distracted. With college. Parties are so much fun. Go read my Valdemar story, "If I Were a Herald." I completely rewrote it a few months ago. It's much better than it was before. And it has a pirate! Oh, by the way, I actually had a boyfriend for a while. And he gave me chocolate on Valentine's Day. But I broke up with him, even though he was really sweet. This chapter is dedicated to him. His name is Matthew Jay Medina, just in case anyone's wondering. If you like movie quotes, I just finished this romance, called _The Pleasure Master_, where one of the characters was a toy programmed with lots of movie quotes. It even used one from "The Princess Bride." It was so fun to read! The author also does vampire romances, which I love. I promise there'll be some vamp characters later on in the story.

* * *

The day was February 14, 2006. "That means it's Valentine's Day," Lyn explained to everyone. "Isn't it sweet? You're supposed to give your sweetheart chocolate and a little note telling how much you love her." She looked pointedly at Jack.

Baby William chose that moment to scream for his mommy. He had a good, healthy set of lungs on him, and Lyn could hear him easily across the distance between the _Pearl_ and the _Windrunner._ Katie took the baby from her husband and sighed. "I really was not meant to carry children," she commented. "I have no hips."

Trey grinned. "I like your hips just fine, love."

"I'll bet you do," Katie replied. "You've certainly shown me often enough." She gave him what was supposed to be a quick kiss. He turned it into something else, deepening the kiss until Baby William's cries brought them both to their senses.

Jack, meanwhile, was feeling Lyn's stomach. "Ye used to 'ave a nice…what do you call it?...six-pack. What 'appened to it?"

"Mmm. Guess," Lyn replied, tilting her head upward for a kiss.

Jack's eyes widened. "Yer not serious!"

"Dead serious. We're gonna have a little Sparrow. Sometime in July, if my calculations are correct."

"I'll just trust ye on that one. Never was too good at figurin'. What're we gonna name 'im?"

"Jack. My first son will be named Jack, after 'is father. But I 'ave a feeling this one'll be a girl."

"Then we'll name 'er Caribbean."

"I like it!" Lyn said. "Caribbean Sparrow. It's a good name."

A small cherubic figure, bare naked and carrying a bow, flew by overhead.

"Aye, a good name," Jack said distractedly. The figure drew his bow back and aimed at Lyn. "Hey! You can't shoot my wife." Cupid cocked his head and studied Jack. Jack glared back, hoping to look menacing. It was a bit difficult when Lyn had her arms around his neck and was planting a kiss on his cheek.

Lyn looked around to see who had a gun. Looked like…everybody. But no one was actually _holding_ a gun. She followed Jack's gaze. "Oh, look, a Cupid. How cute. No need to shoot me, Cupid, I'm already in love." She gave a contented sigh and snuggled against Jack's chest.

Cupid swung his bow a few inches to the left to aim at Jack. "No need to shoot him, either," Lyn said. "If you do, _I'll_ shoot _you_." She pulled her gun and aimed it in the general direction of the flying cherub.

Jack, for one, wasn't fooled. Lyn was quite a shot, ever since he'd taught her the proper way of shooting. "Maybe you should put some clothes on," he suggested to the odd creature.

Cupid cocked his head the other way. "Buy her chocolate," he suggested, and poofed out of existence.

"So, are you going to buy me chocolate?" Lyn asked brightly.

"But I buy ye chocolate once a month," Jack protested. He'd discovered that giving her chocolate every five minutes was much preferable to dealing with mood swings.

"Not for the last few months, you haven't."

Well, he hadn't needed to. For the last few months she'd been manageable.

Lyn sniffed. "Buy me chocolate or I'm going to cry."

"Oh, no, love, don't cry. Please don't cry." He looked about helplessly. "Alright, I'll buy ye chocolate." She smiled triumphantly, all thoughts of tears forgotten. "Manipulative witch," Jack whispered.

Lyn looked at him innocently. "I'll have you know that I'm the good twin."

"Let's go to Wal-Mart."

They didn't bother to change before they went to the store. They never did. "You know," said the store clerk, "Dead Man's Chest isn't coming out until July." She batted her eyelashes at Jack. "Although I must say, the wild, untamed look certainly suits you."

"It's coming out in July?" Lyn asked excitedly. She'd been so busy _living_ Pirates of the Caribbean that she'd forgotten all about the movie. Well, not _all_ about the movie. "Hey, I'm havin' me baby in July."

"Oh, I thought you'd just eaten too much chocolate," the clerk said snidely.

Jack had his pistol out before she could blink. "Don't ye ever insult me wife again," he said pleasantly. "Else I'll jes' 'ave to shoot yer brains out. An' wouldn't that be a shame."

"Yeah," Lyn put in, "all her friends might realize she never had any brains at all."

"That—that isn't real," the clerk said, staring at the barrel of the pistol. "That can't be real. It would be illegal."

"I'm illegal, wench," Jack said in that same pleasant tone. "They tried to hang me but couldn't succeed. It was all over the news."

A young man with a mohawk sauntered over to them. "Is there a problem here?" His eyes took in the frightened clerk, the pistol, and the two pirates. "It would seem there is. I suggest you put the gun away."

"She insulted me wife."

"Aye, I can understand how that would be frustrating, however, it's really not a good reason to shoot her."

"Jack, it's okay, you don't have to get into a fight."

"Darling, I appreciate the thought, but this is what I do," the young man said. Both Lyn and Jack looked at him like he was crazy. "You were talking to me, right?"

"No, I was talking to my husband, Jack Sparrow," Lyn said slowly.

The stranger blinked. "Jack Sparrow. Of course. I should have known." He blinked again. "I'm Jack Murphy, by the way. Explains the confusion." A third blink. Maybe it cleared his thoughts. "So, you'd be the pirates who are cavorting in the Bermuda Triangle."

"Aye."

"We need to talk."

Before Junior could blink, Jack Murphy had grabbed the pistol out of his hand and was leading him out of the store. Lyn grabbed the bag of chocolate and followed in their wake. She opened it and popped one in her mouth. Mmmm. Chocolate. It was a taste of heaven here on earth.

"I'm supposed to arrest you, but no doubt you'd just use magic to escape, and I can't let that happen. The magic, not the escaping. I really don't care whether the law catches you or not. After all, you haven't actually hurt anyone yet."

Now it was Lyn's turn to blink. Had the bemohawked stranger just started talking about magic as if it was a fact of life? Sure, she'd seen some strange things in the Triangle, but so far nobody had suggested it might be magic. Well, except for Herald Lyndsay. And Bard Woggle. Those two seemed to believe in magic.

"You see, the magical community is a bit upset about all the attention you've been drawing to yourselves," the stranger continued. "You've even gotten the CIA interested. If you keep this up, people will start believing. And that'll lead to dragon hunts and vampire slayings and gods know what else."

"An' why do you care?" Jack asked. "Seems to me the witch-hunters will come after us first."

"I care because I'm part of that community. And it's not witch-hunters I'm worried about. Fire can't hurt me. I'm more concerned about the dragon slayers."

Dragon slayers? Fire? Was he saying he was a dragon? "You don't look much like a dragon," Lyn said, slightly confused.

"Of course I don't," Jack Murphy replied, not bothering to explain. "Here's your pistol back, Sparrow. Remember what I've said. And be careful. Witch hunters are no joke."

Jack Sparrow blinked at Jack Murphy as he left. "An' I thought Herald Lyndsay's talking horse was bad."

* * *

Jack and Lyn weren't the only ones busy this Valentine's day. Sam and Toby were on a double date with Becky and Jenny. Turns out both girls were pregnant, though not as far along as Lyn. "Well," said Toby, "I suppose we're just going to have to get married a bit sooner than we'd planned." Jenny happily agreed. Sam and Becky had a similar discussion. "Guess we should inform Mom there's gonna be a couple weddings," Sam said to his brother.

"Aye, I guess we should."

At school, Tom gave a box of chocolates to his girlfriend, Kay Benaire. It was a good thing Lyn no longer lived at home. If she ever found out Tom had a girlfriend, she'd tease him mercilessly.

Herald Lyndsay rode Lyrna through the crowded streets, followed by her friend Bard Woggle, who rode a horse. They got several strange looks, which both of them ignored. They left their mounts tied up outside of the bookstore, although Herald Lyndsay made sure Lyrna was able to free herself. She just didn't want someone calling Animal Control.

Inside, Bard Woggle headed straight toward the romance section. Herald Lyndsay sauntered more slowly toward fantasy and science fiction. There was a young man there, browsing the shelves.

"Hey," he said, smiling as he saw her. "You look just like one of those Heralds of Valdemar from Mercedes Lackey's books."

"I am. My name is Herald Lyndsay. My Companion, Lyrna, is outside."

"Well, Lyndsay, I'm Evan. Evan Faber. I'm one of Misty's greatest fans. I was just checking to see if she had any new books."

"I find this all fascinating," Herald Lyndsay said. "So _many_ books. I really am from Valdemar. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I'm not quite sure how I got here." Evan seemed a nice man, and he was handsome, too. Extremely handsome. If he didn't think she was crazy, maybe she could ask him to take her on a date.

"Oh, I believe you. There's a lot of things in this world that can't be explained. In fact, if that's your friend over there in Romance, you might want to warn her that the guy looking at Sherrilyn Kenyon's books is a vampire."

"If he's a vampire, what's he doing out in the sunlight?" Herald Lyndsay asked.

"Wearing a lot of sunscreen," Evan replied. She laughed.

Bard Woggle, however, wasn't laughing. She'd overheard the whole conversation. Sci Fi/Fantasy and Romance weren't too very far apart in this particular bookstore. The guy really was wearing a lot of sunscreen. "So, are you a vampire?"

"I believe the term the captain uses is 'vampirate,'" the man replied. He looked up from the book he held in his hands. Bard Woggle stared. _Breathe,_ she reminded herself. Her body didn't respond. It couldn't. He was just that striking. Breathtaking. He grinned at her reaction, and she caught a glimpse of fangs.

"I guess you really are a vampire."

"Yes." He stepped closer.

Bard Woggle stopped breathing again. "Is this how you entrance all your victims? Beguile them with your good looks?" She gasped desperately for air.

"I think it would be more likely that you'd be the one doing the entrancing," the vampire replied. "I'm Corwin Vespers, gunner on the _Morning Star_. And you, fair maid, what might I call you?"

"Sally," Bard Woggle gasped. "My name is Sally Woglenar. I'm a, um, bard. On the _Black Pearl_." She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think.

"The _Black Pearl_, you say? Isn't that…interesting. We heard rumors, of course, but didn't really believe. The _Pearl_ has been missing for nigh two and a half centuries."

"Yes, well, it, uh, traveled through time. I think. At least, that's what they told me. I wasn't actually on it at the time."

"Most interesting." He looked out the store window, at the cloudy sky. "Well, I have to leave now. But I will be back. I look forward to seeing you again, Miss Sally."

"How did you know he was a vampire?" Herald Lyndsay asked Evan.

"I'm a vampire slayer," Evan replied. "At least, that's what I'm supposed to be. I come from a family of slayers. Don't hold much truck with it, myself. They may lack souls, but most vampires aren't really bad. Not even the crew of the _Morning Star_. Like Vespers there. He could have entranced all of us with his mind-control and drank us dry. Lord knows I couldn't stop him. He's at least three hundred years old, and I never paid much attention to my slayer training."

"I could have stopped him," Herald Lyndsay said. "It would take a stronger mind than his to get past my defenses."

"Yes, well, I'm just as glad he didn't try. I would hate to have to kill him. He seems a decent guy. For a pirate."

"What's wrong with pirates?" Herald Lyndsay demanded. She was a bit sensitive on the subject, since she came from a family of pirates.

"Well, they kill people, usually," Evan replied. "And they steal. Don't tell me you're part of the _Pearl's_ crew, as well. I wouldn't believe that of a Herald."

"I, ah, well, I'm sort of a passenger," Lyndsay replied. "I'm in the process of looking for a job that doesn't involve illegal activities, but until then, I'm kinda stuck without a place to stay."

Evan smiled. "I got some extra room at my place. Inherited it from my parents. They died last year, bless their souls. There's even a stable."

"And you expect me to go home with you? Just like that?"

"Well, anything's gotta be better than pirates, right? And if I do anything untoward, you'll probably run me through with that sword." He smiled, and in that instant Herald Lyndsay felt a connection to him form deep inside her.

_:He's_ _right:_ Lyrna interjected. _:Captain_ _Sparrow won't quite complaining about me, and he calls me a horse. I would kill for a good stable.:_

"Looks like I've been outvoted," Herald Lyndsay said. "Lyrna—she's my Companion—says she wants that stable. Well, Woggle, I guess I'll see you around. Unless you'd like to come with us."

"No," Bard Woggle replied a bit breathlessly, "I think I'll stay on the _Pearl_. Corwin seemed to know about it. Maybe I'll see him again."

* * *

Query: Does anyone have a cool paradox they want in the chapter titled "Paradox Cove"? If so, please submit it. Paradox Cove is coming up.

Oh, and we will be seeing Corwin Vespers again, along with the rest of the crew of the _Morning Star_. Undead pirates. What fun.

Now, please review. Or I shall dress up in my new pirate costume and come after you with drawn cutlass. And knives. You should be very afraid. There's a rumor that I stabbed someone with one of my knives.


	15. The Characters Staying in My Closet

Chapter 15: The Characters Staying in My Closet

Disclaimer: SLK: Well, let's see. We are System Lord Kali, and as such, we are a goddess. We have no use for one measly pirate ship, since we already have our own fleets of spaceships. However, we would be very much obliged if Disney would simply hand over their copyrights without a fuss. Otherwise we might be forced to make war upon their theme parks and sow death and destruction among their customers.

Me: Shut up. You're a false goddess, you're the good twin, and despite Luke's fears and your love for dark chocolate, you're on the Light Side of the Force. Oh, and by the way, if you do conquer Disney, remember to give me PotC. You can keep Islands of Adventure as your private theme park.

A/N (5/2/05): We got our Yearbooks today. Apparently I was somehow intoxicated when I listed my nicknames (don't know how; I don't drink), and I'd written "Jack Sparrow" as one of them. Now I'll have to go through everyone's Yearbook and add the "Captain." And, yes, I have been called Jack Sparrow. By my Driver's Ed class. I actually responded to it. Then they began to call me Johnny Depp. And for those of you who are wondering, I'm female. May not look it all the time, but I am.

* * *

The pirates were just sailing around the vortex, minding their own business and trying not to think about all the things that could go wrong. Suddenly, for no reason at all, a dark, menacing, swirling black cloud, with lightning bolts going through it, just sort of appeared in the middle of the Pearl. Well, actually, not quite for no reason. Lyn had been singing some song about destruction and chaos. People started coming out of it. Random people. There was Firesong again; and Tom Bombadil; and Kalariel, looking rather dangerous and wielding a sword; a miniature Balrog by the name of Mithrander, whom Lyn greeted with delight; and two Aragorns.

"Wait a minute," Lyn said. "Two Aragorns?"

Yes, two Aragorns.

And—

"Merry! Pippin! What on Earth do you think you're doing?" yelled none other than System Lord Kali. On a side note to MacGyver, she said, "I should have known we wouldn't escape that easily."

"At least we're out of that closet," MacGyver said. They'd managed to go from "Into to Vortex" to "The Adventures of the Characters Staying in My Closet." Kali still wasn't sure which was worse. Well, "Into the Vortex," now, because it now had all the "Characters Staying in My Closet."

Merry looked up guiltily, but Pippin was, as always, unaware that he'd done anything wrong. "Merry here found some mushrooms. Do you want some?"

"Give me those!" Kali grabbed the mushrooms and threw them into the water. Several of the fish swimming around the Pearl got dreamy looks and floated to the surface. The mushrooms were, of course, magic mushrooms.

Lyn, who had managed to get a hold of some of the mushrooms and eat them, was now doubled over laughing. She was busy watching a fight between the cat Imperator Manlius Maximus, better known as Max, and Mithrander the mini-Balrog.

The Chaos Tunnel was still open, and more people—and things were coming out. There went the One Ring, quickly snatched up by Lyn, who was then attacked by Gollum. Lyn, Katie, Trey, and Jack immediately started a game of monkey-in-the-middle with Gollum as the monkey, only to be interrupted by Voldemort. "Scaredy-cat! Scaredy-cat!" Lyn taunted, grabbing for Voldy's wand. She missed.

Her taunts, however, caught the attention of Kali, who simply used her Jedi powers to call Voldy's wand to her.

"Hey!" Voldy said. "That's not fair. You shouldn't be able to do that."

Kali gave him a superior look. "We are the Goddess of Death, and you will bow before us."

Voldy, who was, after all, just a bully, crumbled under her glare and fell to his knees. "O most powerful Goddess, I beg your forgiveness, I have not worshipped you as I should have. Please have mercy on your humble servant."

Kali crooked a finger. "Come here, O humble servant. You will be our personal slave, catering to our every whim."

Lyn giggled when Kali made Voldemort brush her hair.

And, wonder of wonders, the Chaos Tunnel was now moving, dropping people into the water. Like Draco Malfoy, who was very affronted to have his robes dripping with saltwater. Toby threw him a rope and dragged him onto the Red Sun.

"You," Draco said with a sneer.

"Yeah, me," Toby said. "Do I know you?"

"You're that Stormwind kid. The one who's always playing pranks on people."

"Yeah, well, that describes all the Stormwinds, really," Toby said. "So who are you?"

"Draco Malfoy," Draco said, as if it meant he was Heir to the Throne of England.

"Well bully for you."

The Chaos Tunnel had followed Draco onto the Red Sun. Out came a dementor. Draco fainted.

"What's that?" Toby asked, shuddering a bit. He was reliving his worst moment, which was that time he'd had to kill that git from the Navy because he would not give up. Stupid git, though. Deserved to die. At least, that's what Toby kept telling himself.

System Lord Kali floated over and groaned. She was as pale as a ghost. Her worst moments were things no one should have to go through. She'd been tortured by rival System Lords, had very bad days that just went from bad to worse, done things she really didn't want to think about, and basically had a life that it took one tough girl to lead. It had left her very disillusioned with the world. "Dementors. Wonderful. We're being invaded by creatures from Harry Potter. When will it end?"

"Mhy nhaaame isss Deeemeee," said the dementor.

"Oh, lovely, it talks," said Kali.

"I can control it, your worship," said Voldemort from the other ship.

"Yes, Voldy-Moldy Valdewarts, I know you can control it, but I can control it better. Hello Deme. Could you tone down the sucking out every good thought a bit? It's really bothering people here. You're supposed to be a nice dementor."

How Kali knew about Deme, Lyn didn't know. Kali seemed to know a lot she shouldn't have any way of knowing.

Mithrander stopped fighting Max the Manx long enough to snatch the One Ring out of the air and eat it. The Chaos Tunnel moved back to the Pearl and spat out Morgoth and Sauron, currently arguing over who was the greater Dark Lord. Voldy, of course, could not resist joining the fight.

"I am the greatest of all Dark Lords!" Morgoth declared.

"Are not!" said Sauron. "I am the greatest. I created the One Ring."

"Which is currently in Mithrander's stomach," Lyn pointed out.

"Shut up, mortal!" Sauron snapped.

System Lord Kali intervened. "You will treat our sister goddess with respect. She is Minerva, Goddess of Wisdom, of which you obviously have none."

Lyn wanted to ask how Kali had known her Roman goddess identity she'd been given in Latin class, but she figured that would ruin the whole goddess persona Kali had just created for her.

"I am the greatest Dark Lord, indeed the greatest wizard alive," said Voldemort.

"Quiet, slave," Kali snapped. "Dumbledore is a greater wizard than you'll ever be."

Voldy bowed humbly before her.

"Gandalf is the greatest wizard in the world," Pippin piped up.

"Gandalf died," Lyn said.

"He did?" Pippin asked.

Samwise Gamgee appeared with a frying pan, and immediately went after Sauron, giving him a good whack over the head that knocked him unconscious.

Kali smiled darkly at Morgoth. "We are the Goddess of Death, and we will not stand for your petty power struggles. You must serve us or die."

Morgoth was nonplussed. He sent a bolt of power at Kali, which simply slid off her shield. She then used her Goa'uld hand-device to throw him across the length of the ship. He was nonplussed no longer.

Firesong, meanwhile, was having fits over Tom Bombadil's outfit. Firesong was still wearing his many layers of pirate silk, and Tom was wearing his usual bright blue jacket, brown pants, and yellow boots. Firesong alternately lectured Tom on fashion and hid his head in his arms with a groan. Then Tom began to sing, and Firesong threw up his arms in disgust. "You're hopeless, absolutely hopeless. I don't know why I even bother."

A poor little redhaired kid, name of Lavan, came tumbling out of the cloud. He hid behind the rigging in an attempt to stay away from the fighting, but no. Sauron spotted him and decided that here was a good object of torment. Lavan felt his skin heat up. Just as the two Aragorns attacked Sauron from the back, the Dark Lord burst into flame. Both Aragorns jumped back and exchanged a startled glance.

"No!" Uncle Jack said in despair. "My ship!" For now the rigging had caught fire.

With a thought, Lavan extinguished the flames. Uncle Jack looked muchly relieved.

Kali herded all the strange people back into the Chaos Tunnel, leaving only the people from various (relatively) normal PotC fics, Bard Woggle, Herald Lyndsay with her Companion Lyrna, and the Martian girl Kyra, with her mid-thigh coppery hair, done up in a braid, pale skin, and blue-green eyes.

* * *

Okay, that was my random bout of insanity for today, because I'd noticed the story was getting just a little too normal. Now you can all wait with baited breath for the attack of the purple underwear monkeys—or you can go read my Stargate fics, which are where System Lord Kali comes from, although she doesn't actually become System Lord Kali until much later. If you want to see her as System Lord Kali, read my MacGyver fics, which are in fact Stargate crossovers set in MacGyververse.

The next chapter is in progress and should be up soon. It will be up even sooner if I actually get reviews. DMC will be incorporated somewhere around Chapter 19, because that's when it comes/came out.


	16. Savvy Pirates

Into the Vortex

Chapter 16

Savvy Pirates

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people and places is purely intentional but should not be taken seriously.

A/N (11/13/05): I don't go to high school anymore, so I can make fun of whomever I please. Just remember, this is all in good fun, and not meant to offend anyone. But the homeroom teachers' names are totally made up. Although I may go back and add some things that really happened. Jill is so going to have to tell me everything that goes on. Some of this is actually based loosely off real events, but it happened a couple years ago, not a few months in the future.

* * *

**A** ship is like a country, on a scale so very small;  
And when we make a choice, we vote upon it, one an' all.  
We're really savvy pirates, we're the terror of the sea.  
Run up that Jolly Roger! It's a pirate's life for me.

(exerpt from "A Pirate's Life for Me" by yours truly.)

* * *

It was, once again, that time of year. The time most dreaded by secondary school students throughout the state of Florida.

What was that? Final exams? Who cares about finals? They're easy, and at least somewhat interesting. No need to stress over them.

No, this was far worse. It was time to take the dreaded FCATs, that comprehensive achievement test that tested knowledge a baby would know, gave way too much time for the tests, and wouldn't allow students to read or do much of anything once they were through.

At West Shore Jr/Sr High, a tradition was being carried out. Every year, while the younger unfortunates were penned away taking the nefarious test, the Juniors and Seniors would get all spirited up and would take part in what was known as the Wildcat Challenge. First Junior homerooms competed against other Juniors, while Seniors competed against Seniors; then it would be Juniors versus Seniors.

"Juniors are so going to win," Lyn said to Katie as they discussed the upcoming events. "This year's Seniors suck."

Katie shrugged and nodded. She and Lyn had both started out with the current Senior class, and both had skipped grades in order to get out of it. Lyn had ended up in the coolest of the cool of all classes. Katie hadn't been quite so lucky.

"We kicked your ass," Lyn told Katie. And they had indeed. The Wildcat Challenge, like Powderpuff, was engineered so that the Seniors would always win. Somehow, though, Lyn's Junior class had beaten Katie's Senior class at both Powderpuff and Wildcat Challenge.

"Lisa's a Junior this year," Katie said. She was rather proud of her younger sister. "You know what we should do? We should go there. To the school. We could, like, be an unattached team or something."

Now that they didn't have Herald Lyndsay to act as a killjoy, and Killjoy Kate was on their side—hell, it was her idea in the first place—they decided to go ahead and do as she suggested. Lyn, Jack, Katie, Trey, Sam, Toby, Kyra, and Bard Woggle headed together for West Shore Junior/Senior High School.

* * *

They headed first for the classrooms, where the proctors were trying to proctor the FCATs. The first room they entered, the proctor held up his hands in surrender as soon as he saw their drawn pistols. The students hid under their desks while the pirates pilfered the classroom. Sam stuck sticky notes all over the walls. Lyn leapt from desk to desk, reciting lines from "The Princess Bride." Toby shot off a shiny party popper. Kyra chased after the confetti, a gleam in her eyes. "Shiny," she said.

The second classroom was slightly less disorganized. The proctor, rather than immediately surrender, flipped madly through his instruction book. "Pirates," he muttered. "Pirates. I don't have a rubric for pirates! They're not on my roster."

Growing bored with the classrooms, they headed for the gym, where the juniors and seniors were gathered for Brain Bowl, where homerooms competed against each other to see who was smartest.

Inside the gym…

Lisa's homeroom had chosen the name Veldan's Vampires. Lisa herself was dressed up as what she termed a "vampirate," with a picture of said beastie done in red on the back of her black shirt. She wore a red sash around her waist and a black bandana. Blood—no one quite dared ask whether it was real or fake—dripped down her chin. Long golden fangs flashed every time she smiled.

The others in her homeroom had gone totally goth, with black lipstick, corsets, and everything. Most of them were breathing, so they must not have laced their corsets tight enough. Perhaps that was the reason only vampires wore corsets these days—they were undead, so they didn't _have_ to breathe.

Another homeroom was the Savvy Pirates. Well, at least it was a better name than one of the teams from Katie's Senior year, the Happy Pirates. They'd wanted to be called the Gay Pirates, but Administration nixed the idea. Anyhoo, the Savvy Pirates were dressed up in outfits that were absolutely absurd when one considered the fact that pirates had to live on _ships_. Four-inch heels were all well and good for poking holes in too-ardent suitors, but there was no way a girl could walk in them on a swaying deck. And the guys had so many frills they'd fly away in a stiff breeze.

The seniors were having their Brain Bowl at the moment, and the Savvy Pirates were among the competitors. Actually, from the looks of things, they might have the best chance at winning. This year's seniors weren't really the sharpest knives in the drawer.

"Name the English actress who—" the person asking the questions began.

One of the Savvy Pirates buzzed in. Before he could be called, he yelled out, "Johnny Depp."

Lisa groaned. "Hang the pirates!" she yelled just as the _real_ pirates swaggered, swished, and stumbled into the gym.

"Hang the pirates?" Katie demanded. "Is that any way to greet your sister?"

"Not you, them!" Lisa replied, waving her plastic sword in the direction of the contestants. "They call themselves the Savvy Pirates, but they just said—they said—" She broke off in a wail, unable to repeat such blasphemy.

"They said Johnny Depp was an English _actress_," a classmate finished for her.

"Oh," said Katie. "You're right. Hang the pirates."

"Now, twinny dear, aren't you being a bit harsh?" Lyn asked.

"Harsh?" Katie demanded. "Harsh? These—these—these _wannabes_ are making _us_ look bad. Hang them, I say. Make room in the sea for the _real_ buccaneers."

"That means you're going to have to hang yourselves," someone observed.

Katie shrugged. "Already been done. 'Listen, ye who hear my words—'"

"Yes, Katie," Lyn interrupted. "I think they all saw the newscasts of _that_ particular episode. Although that was the shooting, not the hanging." She smiled a feral smile at the Savvy Pirates, who were now only yards away from her. "So, mates. Ye think yer savvier than us?"

"You got a problem with that?" demanded one of the Savvy Pirates—not the same one who'd recently uttered such sacrilege. Thus was proven that stupidity was not monopolized by a single one of the so-called Pirates, but shared equally amongst them.

"Aye," Lyn replied. "A big problem. If ye think yer savvier than us, then yer bloody wrong."

"Prove it."

"Who's this?" Lyn jerked her thumb at Jack.

"In real life or in costume?" Hey, someone with brains! However small they might be.

"Either one."

"Jack Sparrow." Well, so much for brains.

"Wrong."

"Then who?"

"_Captain _Jack Sparrow, _Junior_." They so should have seen that coming.

They swept their way into the stands, Katie's glare and her hand on her throwing knives just daring anyone to say them nay. Lyn spotted Dean Melia heading their way. "Hey, look! It's the HMS Melia, pride of the administration. Whatever should we do?"

Katie shot her a grin. "Run out the guns, shoot down his masts, burn down his sails, and set him adrift."

"No, I've got a better idea," Lyn declared. "We'll aim high, shoot down half his masts, burn down half his sails, and set him a-midriff, 'cause he really hates that." Dean Melia was well-known for being a stickler for the "no-midriff" rule.

As Dean Melia got closer, Katie took out her gun. "Bye-bye. We're terrorists, remember? Maybe you should evacuate the school."

"Hey!" Lyn said. "I object to being called a terrorist. I'm a thief, not a martyr."

"Well, I, for one, am perfectly content to terrorize little children," Katie replied, baring her fangs. "Hello, students. I vant to suck your blood."

The gym was cleared in record time.

* * *

Thanks to my friend Sebastian Piccione for the "set him a-midriff" joke. Hilarious as I found it, I'm afraid I can't take credit for that one. And, yes, we really had a homeroom call themselves the Happy Pirates. And they also wore four-inch heels. Saints preserve us from idiots the world over.

Now, in flagrant violation of ff.mort's ridiculous no-reply-to-reviews rule:

City-seagull: Glad to know my story interested you. I would like to point out that this story can easily be classified as "marysue crap" as well (because every third character is a self-insert; but shh! Don't tell anyone), but I do try to make it interesting to people other than myself. I was overjoyed to get your review, because it's the first review for this story I've gotten since I updated it for the first time in over a year. It's also always nice to get a new reviewer. I hope you continue to enjoy—and review—my story. ;-)


	17. Pirates at RenFaire

Into the Vortex

Chapter 17

Pirates at RenFaire

A/N (7/28/06): This chapter contains a sneak preview at a character who stars in a romance I'm currently writing, and which I will, with luck, get published. With a lot of luck, and a miracle from God. The title is "Bite Me," so if anyone sees a romance by that title sometime in the next year, I suggest you buy it, 'cause it's probably mine.

Wow, what a coincidence. I just found the papers detailing a scene with this character at RenFaire, which I had been missing. Turns out I was using them to keep the condensation on my glass off my desk. Aren't I a genius. Yeah, I know, sometimes I surprise even myself.

Somehow real time caught up with me while I was writing this story. I'll blame it on college. I got distracted by another story. My totally re-vamped "If I Were a Herald." It's not a PotC fic, but it does have a pirate, and it's much better than this one. Not quite as crazy, but I still think it's more fun.

* * *

Bay Area RenFaire was in for quite an adventure, though no one would realize it except those who were involved. It seemed a day like any other: a Saturday, the beginning of the weekend. March 4, 2006, to be exact. At the moment, the sun wasn't even up. The only movement came from two brightly dressed pirates with unnaturally pale skin. Their pallor wasn't helped by the excess of sunscreen smeared over all their exposed skin (of which there wasn't much).

"I still do not think Apollo will be fooled," said the less flamboyantly dressed of the two.

"Hey, it worked for me last month," the other said, lugging a large chest to a tent at the back of the fair. It was none other than Corwin Vespers. The subject of their conversation was the sunscreen both were wearing, and the cloudy day upon which Corwin had traveled safely in the sun. "Still don't see why you want this thing here. It'd be much safer on the ship."

"I was hoping to have an elf take a look at it," Corwin's companion replied in a faint French accent. "Put it in the back of the tent, out of sight. I do not want the curious to see it and fall prey to the curse."

"Aye, aye, Captain. Whatever you say." Corwin sketched a mocking salute at tugged the chest further back into the tent.

The captain rolled his eyes. He wouldn't take this sort of disrespect from the human members of his crew, but Corwin, along with many of the other vampires in his crew, had stuck with him through events three centuries ago that he'd long since walled off from his memory. What he _could_ remember was that they'd been hanged together, and that sort of shared experience wasn't easily forgotten or ignored.

The tent itself was heavily draped, blocking out all traces of the pre-dawn light. A sensible precaution for those who stalked the night and couldn't bear the touch of the sun. Apollo didn't look kindly upon creatures who had no souls. Captain Jacques Dumond didn't particularly care—he had been a creature of the night before his descent into piracy—but Corwin missed the sun. Thus one reason for their current adventure. Since the invention of sunscreen, Corwin had been trying various brands in an attempt to fool Apollo, or at least redirect the brunt of his wrath. He seemed to have hit upon a brand that worked approximately a month ago, but Jacques still believed that it was more the cloud cover than the sunscreen that had kept Corwin from being burnt.

The second reason was the chest which was now partially concealed in the back of the tent. Cursed treasure. Jacques had contacted an elf who specialized in curses to take a look and see if the curse could be broken, and the elf had demanded they meet on neutral ground with a crowd of witnesses. RenFaire seemed the ideal solution, since neither elves nor vampires would be given a second glance, but there would be plenty of people around with access to swords and the ability to use them if things got violent. It would be daylight, but as long as Jacques stayed inside the tent, he should be safe.

Corwin, of course, wouldn't be taking such extreme precautions. Crazy vampire. He always did have a suicidal streak. Then again, that's what pirates did best.

* * *

For once, the _Black Pearl_ and all accompanying ships were well away from the Bermuda Triangle, on the opposite side of Florida. Tampa Bay, to be precise. They were being manned (and womanned) by the less adventurous pirates while the more adventurous ones headed to RenFaire.

"You'll have to check your weapons," the lady at the ticket counter said.

Katie looked ready to protest, but this was one excursion where they didn't want to cause any trouble. Lyn elbowed her. With a sigh, Katie handed over two pistols, a cutlass, a rapier, thirteen knives, and a can of pepper-spray. The rest handed over similar ensembles, although not quite as extensive. Lyn was the only other pirate with pepper-spray. She kept it in her pocket, just in case.

Lyn, Katie, Kyra, Jack Junior, Uncle Jack, and Bard Woggle made an unerring bee-line for the pirate tent at the back of the faire. The others split up into smaller groups to check out various weapons tents and clothing booths.

The tent was dark—extremely dark. It took several seconds for Lyn's eyes to adjust. There didn't seem to be anyone manning it, just lots and lots of cool piratey stuff and Katie with Billy on her hip and Jack Junior and Bard Woggle. Uncle Jack was still outside, admiring the weapons in the tent next door. Oh—there was the owner, hiding in the very back.

Wait a minute. Where was Kyra?

Lyn finally spotted her in the back of the tent, trying to pry the lid off a strangely familiar chest. The tent's owner spotted her at about the same time. "_Non!_ Do not touch that! _C'est tres mauvais_. It is very bad."

Kyra ignored him. Just as she lifted the lid and slid it back, he grabbed her by the arm and dragged her away.

"Shiny," she murmured, enthralled.

Lyn and the others stared down at the contents of the chest.

Aztec gold.

Very _familiar_ Aztec gold.

"It is cursed," the Frenchman said with aplomb. "Please, do not touch. It is merely for decoration."

Lyn took a step back. After all she'd seen, she so did not want to risk being cursed, however slight the possibility that this was _the_ chest.

"The _Isla de Muerta_, it sank into the water again. This chest is worth much, if only the curse can be removed," the man explained.

Lyn nodded as if she understood. Was he really saying that he'd rescued the chest from the sinking island? And what did he mean, _again_?

Katie cocked her head. "You'd probably need to find a descendant of Cortez to sacrifice to the Aztec gods. You know, the ultimate blood sacrifice."

The man nodded. "_Oui_, that is what the elf said. He also suggested I not do that, but let the curse remain. I do not believe I shall take his advice."

Katie continued, "I'm curious, though. How'd ye manage to fin the _Isla de Muerta_? I know for a fact ye don't have the compass."

"The compass?" He looked slightly confused. "The Island of the Dead cannot be found except by those who already know where it is, so I went with someone who had been there before."

Katie let out a noise that was half-hiss, half-growl, exposing her fangs. "Of course you did."

The man's eyes widened. "You are not a vampire, either, and yet you have fangs."

"I like my fangs. Don't dis 'em or I'll shoot you."

He nodded as if death threats were an everyday occurrence. Maybe they were.

"Either?" Lyn asked, ever curious.

"I refer to a charming girl named Kerry Thomas whom I met earlier this morning. I am sure she would also have suggested sacrificing on of Cortez's descendants and may even have offered to find one herself, had she believed in such things." He turned his attention toward putting the lid back on the chest. When he did it, it seemed so effortless. "By the way, I am—"

"_Jacques Dumond_?" Uncle Jack's incredulous voice could probably be heard throughout the faire. He stepped into the tent, looking about rather aimlessly in the sudden darkness. "I knew I knew yer voice. Don't tell me you took one o' the medallions, an' that's how yer still alive after all this time."

"No indeed. I took them all." His task finished, Dumond straightened and turned to face Uncle Jack. "Captain Jack Sparrow. I see the rumors are true, as they so seldom are. You are older than I remember. How is it that you still survive in this century?"

"Time travel," Uncle Jack replied. He pointed at Lyn. "Her brother could explain."

"I see. I assume you are his son," he nodded at Jack Junior. "And you, fair ladies, what are your names?"

While they introduced themselves, a handsome man wearing sunscreen even thicker than Jacques's and a bright red sunburn stumbled into the tent. "Captain, much as I hate to admit it, you were right. The sunscreen isn't working. Perhaps we should try—oh, hello. The crew of the _Black Pearl_, I presume."

"And the _Windrunner_," Katie said, shifting Billy to her other hip.

The newcomer bowed to Bard Woggle. "Miss Sally, how nice it is to see you again."

"Corwin!" Bard Woggle exclaimed, nearly swooning in delight.

Dumond raised an amused eyebrow. "I take it you two know each other?"

"Indeed. It was this fair maid who informed me that the rumors about the _Pearl_ were true."

"Ah. I see. Speaking of fair maids, did you perchance to see a prickly lass in a corset she truly does not need to wear march her way through the faire?" He frowned at his palm. "In fact, she looked very much like m'lady Kate, fake fangs and all. I cannot help but wonder if the two are related."

Katie cast him a mutinous glare. "How do you know my fangs are fake?"

"Because his are real," Bard Woggle murmured, still gazing adoringly at Corwin.

Dumond glared at his crewman. "I do not recall telling anyone that I had fangs."

"It's okay," Bard Woggle said, trying to diffuse the situation. "There's nothing wrong with vampires. Kyra's a Martian."

"I am _so_ not a Martian, you—you—you Terrarium!"

Before Kyra could think up any more insults—or Bard Woggle could correct her that she was, in fact, a Velgarthian—Lyn flipped a quarter in the air. Kyra caught it, suddenly grinning. "Shiny."

Dumond shook his head. "And I thought _my_ crew had issues." He looked at Kyra. "A Martian."

"Do I _look_ like a little green man to you?"

"Of course we have issues," Corwin said. "We're the living dead, bound to the service of a crazy goddess who eats demons for breakfast."

"Well, I do not know," Dumond told Kyra. "You could be in disguise. If you'll excuse me, Corwin, I seem to have misplaced my mind. Now, where _is_ that sunscreen?"

"It doesn't work," Corwin warned him. "Apollo isn't fooled."

Dumond took in Corwin's sunburn. "_Oui_, I noticed. At the moment, I do not care. I believe I shall go find Miss Kerry Thomas and join her in her denial of all things magical. If I am lucky, she will convince Apollo he does not exist." He pulled a bottle of sunscreen from beneath the counter and began slathering himself—nevermind that the stuff he'd put on hours ago still hadn't been absorbed. "As for yourself, Corwin, if that lass has any sense, you'll not long be needing to fear Apollo's glare."

"Captain?"

"I may be dead, but I am not blind. She is your Redeemer, _oui_?"

"Aye," Corwin replied.

As far as Lyn could tell, the two of them were speaking in code. She sure couldn't understand what they were saying. Redeemer? What was that?

"Then take a few months off. If things work out, you needn't return, although I would be most grateful if you do. Make sure to invite me to the wedding."

"Wedding?" Bard Woggle asked. "What wedding?"

Rather than answer, Dumond strode out of the dark tent into the midmorning sun.

Uncle Jack looked from the rapidly-disappearing Jacques Dumond to the sunburn-sporting Corwin Vespers. "I take it you're also older than you look?" He was taking the whole vampire thing quite well. He was, after all, quite experienced in dealing with undead pirates.

"By about three centuries," Corwin replied. "So, you're the infamous Jack Sparrow."

"_Captain_ Jack Sparrow," four voices corrected him simultaneously.

"What wedding?" Bard Woggle repeated.

Corwin shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "I, well, that is, Captain Dumond expects us to fall in love and marry. He's probably right; that's usually the way this sort of thing works."

"What, exactly, are you talking about?"

"Start with the Redeemer bit," Lyn suggested.

Corwin explained, "Every vampire has a Redeemer, the person destined to be his or her mate. For those of us who became vampires after we died, rather than being born that way, the Redeemer's job is to, well, retrieve our souls." He winced when Bard Woggle took a step back. "My soul is currently being held by Kali, the Goddess of Death. If it weren't for her son Eros, there'd be no way to get it back."

"Wait a minute," Lyn interrupted. "Are we talking about _gods_?"

"I believe you have encountered the Aztec gods?" This was directed at Uncle Jack.

Lyn answered for him. "Yeah, but only kinda. Besides, Eros is the son of Aphrodite."

"If you're going to make up this kind of bullshit, you might as well get your facts straight," Katie added.

"What makes you think I'm the one who got his facts wrong?" Corwin asked.

"I believe you," Bard Woggle said softly. Let it be pointed out that she was from another planet and thus had never heard of Kali, Eros, or Aphrodite, so had nothing against which to judge Corwin's story.

Let it also be pointed out that, against all odds, Corwin was telling the truth. The Greeks were really much better at philosophy than religion. The Romans weren't much better, minus the philosophy.

"Never doubted it, love."

"I like it," Jack said reflectively. "It's a good line. 'I need you to save my soul.' Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Lyn socked him in the stomach.

"Suppose I deserved that. But I was really expecting a slap."

"I admire your choice of friends," Corwin teased.

"Well," Bard Woggle replied, "I didn't actually choose them. I was more dumped in their laps, as it were. So, how do I go about retrieving your soul?"

At that, Corwin looked mightily relieved. "Well, we need to summon Kali. After that, I don't much know."

"So. We have to face a goddess?"

"Aye."

"Right. Let's wait a few months and fall in love first."

"Good idea."

Jack snorted. "Doubt it'll take more'n a month." He was met with several glares.

Kyra continued to play with her quarter.

"With them two making calf's-eyes at each other, we could probably steal everything in this tent and slip out unnoticed," Uncle Jack observed.

"Aye," Lyn nodded. "I do believe yer right."

"For once," his son added.

Their plan could have worked, except for the fact that, at that very moment, Jacques Dumond strode back into the tent, his skin a delicate shade of pink. "That girl has issues," he announced. "Her sister caught fire, and she denied it was even happening."

"I believe now is the time to make a discreet exit," Katie suggested. "Why don't we go view those knife-throwing booths I spotted on our way in?" So they left, leaving Bard Woggle and Corwin still gazing into each other's eyes.

Katie, of course, managed to nail the target the first time. The guy manning the booth handed her a sticker and said, "Repeat after me."

Katie nodded cautiously.

"I."

"I."

"Am."

"Am."

"A."

"A."

"Wiener."

Katie reached for her pistol, which wasn't there. Lyn tossed her the pepper-spray she'd hidden in her pocket. Katie sprayed the guy, and they ran like hell, although both were weighed down by their children. The others joined them outside the faire much later. They all retrieved their weapons and headed back to their respective ships.

* * *

Right. This is the point where I threaten all my readers with bodily harm if they don't review. But I'm feeling in a charitable mood today (saints know why; I haven't gotten any reviews), so I'll just put on my puppy-dog expression and beg. Pretty please with sugar and cherries on top? What did you think of this chapter? The change in writing style? The setting? Any cursed thing you can think of, just please review.


	18. Embrace Your Inner Child

Into the Vortex

Chapter 18

Embrace Your Inner Child

A/N (7/28/2006): Let's see, what did I do on my 18th birthday? Well, basically what I'm putting in this chapter. I had my friend Kaly drive me to an adult toy store, then to Wal-Mart so I could buy a cake and a piñata. Too bad Fetish Ball was two weeks _before_ my birthday. Ask if you dare.

A/N (7/31/2006): Ow. My poor, aching nose. I was out with my cousin yesterday, learning how to surf. So she's sitting behind me on her board, helping position my board to catch the wave—this is my very first attempt, mind—and then the wave comes, grabs me, grabs her board, and leaves her behind. Her board bangs down on the back of my head and whams my face into my board. So there I am, sandwiched between two boards, with the wave pounding around me. Yeah. Not fun. I suppose I'm lucky my nose isn't _broken_.

Rachel: Yay! You're back! I've missed you. Sorry about the ear infection. Have some cyber-chocolate to make it better. Guess what? I've been working at this place called Harmony Farms on Saturdays. It's a horse ranch for handicapped kids. So, anyway, I've been volunteering there. Just thought you might like to know, since I remember you like horses. Oh, and please don't kittynap my cats. I'll update quickly, I promise.

* * *

The date was May 13, 2006. Not a Friday. It was, in fact, a Saturday. This startling fact followed quite naturally from the fact that this very same date, the year previously, had landed one day prior in the week, that is, a Friday. Days and dates are funny that way.

This day, although lacking the strange and, frankly, quite frightening power of a Friday the 13th (for which small grace one Captain Jack Sparrow was quite grateful; bad enough to have a crew full of insane children, even worse when the elements lost their wits), was still quite important. And terrifying in its own right.

It was, much to the detriment of the world in general and Floridian politics in particular, the eighteenth birthday of Lyndsay Anne Astra Sparrow and Kathleen Kelly Adams Turner.

It was also, incidentally, precisely a year after this story began, thus making it the anniversary of the day when Jack and Trey had been bested by a half-conscious girl.

Lyn woke at the ungodly hour of ten in the morning to the sound of Bard Woggle singing "Happy Birthday" while Corwin looked on with a dreamy expression. Lyn groaned and snuggled her head more deeply against Jack's chest. Dreamy eyes first thing in the morning made her sick. Or maybe that was just the baby kicking.

It seemed Corwin shared the opinion that it was the baby, because when Lyn groaned into her pillow, "Oh, please, stop looking at her like that before I puke," he replied, "If you feel sick, it's only because you're increasing."

That got Lyn to sit straight up. "Increasing? Who uses words like increasing anymore? That's so last century. I'm not increasing, I'm increased!"

Katie was also on the _Pearl_, having had a brief falling-out with Trey. Well, actually, he'd said something thoughtless, and she'd bit him, then decided that perhaps she should nip on over to another ship to visit with her good twin, leaving Billy in the care of Toby's new wife, Jenny.

Katie, being Katie, was already up. The only reason she hadn't also woken everyone else on the _Pearl_ before the crack of dawn (besides the fact that Uncle Jack would shoot her if she tried anything so foolish) was that it was Lyn's birthday. So, as a treat to her good twin, she'd let everyone sleep in four hours longer than she would otherwise have allowed.

"I think we should have a party," Katie announced.

Uncle Jack's eyes lit up. "Aye, with rum."

"No, without rum," Katie said without sarcasm.

Uncle Jack eyed her warily. "Without rum?" he asked, hoping she'd laugh and say it was just a joke.

Unfortunately for him, it wasn't. "Lyn and I are eighteen today. We're adults in the eyes of the world. I think we should show them that we still know how to be kids. After we pay a visit to the nearest adult toy store, that is," she added, casting a speculative glance at the _Windrunner_ (that's Will Turner's ship, for those of you who've forgotten because I've been remiss in updating).

"Aye, show 'em ye know how to be kids by gettin' roarin' drunk an' makin' fools o' yerselves," Uncle Jack said desperately. No rum? How could she do this to him? Why, it was—it was—

It was evil, that's what it was, he realized with a sigh. Just like Killjoy Kate.

"No, we'll show we know how to be kids by drinking soda and eating cake," Katie countered, smiling maliciously at Uncle Jack's disappointment. "Now get up, Lyn. You and me and Junior have a date with an adult toy store."

Jack frowned as Lyn got a devilish glint in her eyes. "What's an adult toy store?"

"Porn shop," Lyn said, then sighed when Jack still didn't seem to understand. She leaned over to whisper in his ear, and soon Jack's expression mirrored her own.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" he demanded. "C'mon, Dad. Make for the nearest port. We're going shopping!"

* * *

Because this story is meant to be PG-13 (or T, with ff-dot-mort's stupid new rating system), we'll skim over what happened in the adult toy store. Use your imagination. Suffice to say: Katie and fishnet; Lyn and a T-shirt saying "Kiss Me, I'm Wasted"; and Jack declaring that she'd better not wear that shirt in front of anyone but him.

Then it was on to Wal-Mart for their piñata. Unicorn, of course. Katie considered it the perfect irony.

Lyn somehow arranged for them to rent a bounce house while Katie was turning in their voters registrations. The poor clerk who accepted the registrations cast a wary glance at Katie. "Do I know you?"

"Nay, I've ne'er seen ye afore in me life," Katie replied in her most piratey voice.

"Do you have identification?"

Katie took out both her and Lyn's drivers' licences.

"This says your surname is Adams, but you've put 'Turner' on the registration."

"I got married," Katie said blandly, waiting for the clerk to get a look at Lyn's name.

"And—Sparrow? Excuse me, but if this is some sort of jest, it's not particularly funny."

"Lyn got married, too." Katie smiled pleasantly, showing off her fangs. "It was quite the affair. She invited the entire nation. Surely you saw her, barging into the conference, stealing the microphone from the president. Oh, did I forget to mention? We're pirates. Quite infamous pirates. In fact, there's probably a price on my head. I've been too busy robbing people to pay attention to possible rewards, but no doubt you could become quite rich if you picked up that phone and dialed the police."

"You mean—you're—?"

"Killjoy Kate Turner, yes," Katie said. "And Lyn would be me good twin, Lightning Lyn Sparrow, formerly known as Lightning Lyn Astra."

"Twin?"

"It's a term of endearment. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a party to attend."

* * *

"She kicked me!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too! Look, it even left a bruise."

"That's just from banging your shin."

"On _what_?"

"Well, you kicked me first!"

"Ha! So you admit it."

"So?"

Just as Lyn and Katie quit their argument and became fast friends once more, another sprang up between the Stormwind twins. "Uncle Jack, Toby poured soda on my shirt."

Uncle Jack sighed and stared at his bottle of rum. He'd had to smuggle it in with him under his shirt. _Smuggle_! Rum. Into a _party_. It was just wrong. For a brief moment he considered pouring the rum over Sam's head to match the soda on his shirt, but quickly thought better of it. He drank it instead.

"It was an accident, I swear," Toby whined. The effect was rather spoiled by the wide grin he just couldn't conceal.

In the background, "The Song That Doesn't End" played a nice counterpoint to their childish squabbling.

Uncle Jack didn't dare look at the bounce house for fear that this time, it would tip over. The children—and they were still children, no matter that they were legally adults and married besides—inside were extremely boisterous. They tended to bounce right into the walls of the house, making it shake.

"Bouncy, bouncy, whee!"

Uncle Jack took another swallow of rum.

The song changed. "I am not trying to seduce you."

Five bodies squirmed out of the small tentflap entrance to the bounce house.

"When I dance they call me Macarena, and the boys say yo soy buena…"

Katie and Lyn quickly had everyone in lines and showed those who didn't know how to dance to the Macarena. Halfway through the song, Lyn decided to get creative, dancing a counterpoint to Jack. There was really nothing childish about the way they were dancing—except the way Lyn kept giggling like a schoolgirl.

Then the song was over, and it was back to whatever they'd been doing before. For Toby, this meant trying every type of soda—of which there were quite a lot, more than they'd be able to drink in a week. For Sam, this meant retaliating to his brother's latest prank by spraying Toby with silly string. Lyn, Katie, Jack, Trey, and Lisa squirmed back into the bounce house. Tom and his girlfriend, Kay Benaire, went back to attempting to work the make-your-own cotton candy machine. When they finally did figure out how to turn it on, they realized they'd filled it a bit too full when cotton candy sprayed everywhere. Beth Turner joined them, marveling at the cloudlike quality of the sugar.

Corwin Vespers arrived at the party just a bit late. From the looks of him and Bard Woggle, they hadn't been embracing their inner child so much as creating one.

"Hello, vampire," said Evan Faber the vampire hunter.

"Hello, Faber," Corwin replied.

"You look much better now that you've gotten rid of the sunscreen," Evan observed.

"Yes, well, it wouldn't do for vampires to find out how to go out during the day, now would it?" Corwin said pleasantly.

"Nope, if you could your kind would become damned hard to catch. Daywalkers are bad enough," Evan referred to those vampires who had been born with souls, thus having the ability to go out in the sun. "And they're usually nice."

Both Herald Lyndsay and Bard Woggle watched their respective lovers with some trepidation. They hadn't killed each other last time they met, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. One was a vampire and the other a vampire slayer, after all.

But Corwin and Evan seemed to be getting along just fine. A bit tense, maybe, but that was only to be expected.

"It's the Hokey Pokey! C'mon let's dance!" And everyone was back on the dance floor, this time in a circle. "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out…"

Finally, it was time for the piñata. Uncle Jack, still in possession of his faculties but rather wobbly due to the rum he'd consumed, was put in charge of pulling on the string. Whack! And the bat hit the tree. Whistle! The bat clove only air. Whump! Yay, the piñata. Next! Spin, spin, spin. Whuffle.

"Oh, come on, you can do better than that."

Whang!

"Ow, blast you, that hurt."

"Yeah, well, you shouldn't have gotten in my way. I've got a blindfold on, it's not like I can see you."

Whump!

And this went on for quite some time, until finally the piñata broke open.

Immediately, everyone dove into a pile on top of the fallen piñata, grabbing for candy.

"Hey, that's my head you just elbowed."

"Yeah, well, that's my elbow you just headed."

"Watch it, vampire, I am _not_ a meal."

"Oh, sorry, didn't realize that was you I was biting."

"You bite anyone here, I'll have to kill you."

"Even Sally?" Corwin's voice was full of disappointment.

"Okay, don't even go there. I so do not want to know what the two of you do in the dark."

"Everything I do is in the dark."

"Yes, of course."

"Alright everyone!" Katie announced, holding up a ten-inch butcher's knife. "I'm cutting the cake."

As the cake and soda disappeared, something else appeared.

Alcohol.

Lyn had brought it. She'd also added some choice songs to the end of the playlist.

So much for "Embrace Your Inner Child."

"Some men are attracted to a pair of big blue eyes. It takes a purty face to make their temperature rise. But looks aren't that important, just icing on the cake. What really turns me on is the shake."

Lyn emphasized the beginning of the song with an enthusiastic shake of her undersized bottom.

And then…

"Dum da da dum da da dum da da dum da da da da…" The beginning of "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" wasn't met with the same cheers as it had been at Homecoming, but it still caused some excitement among those partiers still sober enough to recognize the song.

And then Bard Woggle began to sing along. Only she didn't exactly sing "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." She sang the parody she'd learnt at an SCA meeting she just happened to attend: "Save a Boat, Ride a Viking."

Unfortunately, the author of this story does not know the lyrics to that particular song, so cannot include them for the reader's enjoyment.

* * *

It's true, I'm afraid. I've only heard of the song, never actually heard it. If anyone knows the lyrics (although I doubt any of my readers do), please include whatever you can remember in the review I just know you're going to leave. 


	19. Caribbean Sparrow

Into the Vortex

Chapter 19

Caribbean Sparrow

July 7, 2006 2:35 a.m.

A/N (7/22/06): Warning: DMC spoilers. Hopefully, by the time this chapter gets posted, everyone has watched the movie. If you haven't, go now. It's bloody awesome. And I'll keelhaul any mother's son what says otherwise.

A/N (8/5/06): I'm thinking of writing a fanfiction based on "Curse of the Black Pearl" where I, well, correct all the mistakes Disney made. What do y'all think of that idea? I mean, they made so many mistakes. Like, the whole mutiny thing. It so wasn't even mutiny. There was no reason to mutiny. They could've just voted Jack out of the captaincy. It happened all the time among buccaneer crews. They still would've marooned him, but it wouldn't be against the Code. And the whole governor of Port Royal business—there was no governor of Port Royal, he would've been the governor of Jamaica. Character motivations would shift, details would change, but the basic plot would remain the same. So. How 'bout it?

Rachel: I'm updating. Review this chapter, too. And they still need to steal you a horse, don't they? Hmm. I'll have to write you a chapter. What do you want it to be called? And what do you want to happen? Plus you may need to describe your horse again.

* * *

Lyn stepped out of the theater, her forehead furrowed in a puzzled frown. "That's not right. That can't be right. _I_ had Uncle Jack's hat, no way the Kraken could have gotten it. And Anamaria's not dead, she was watching it with us!"

Jack soothed the crease in her brow with a finger. "Of course Mom's not dead, love. She wasn't in the movie because she was in Nassau, with the Carters."

"And just what was she doing in Nassau?" Lyn demanded. "Did Uncle Jack throw her off the ship because she slapped him one too many times?"

"Ah, no. Actually, she was pregnant. With me."

"But he was hitting on Elizabeth."

"Well, they weren't married yet."

"Oh." Lyn paused for a minute, digesting that information. "So what about the hat?"

Jack shrugged. "Can't expect Disney to get _everything_ right, can we?"

"And what about Bootstrap?" Lyn continued. "Aren't we supposed to be looking for him?"

"Er," Jack replied. "Why, yes, I suppose we are. Since I've never met him, I'm going to guess that he disappeared when Will stabbed Davy Jones's heart."

"But Will didn't stab his heart. Your father stopped him."

"This time, aye. But there's always next time. You've forgotten that they've got another movie to make."

Lyn snorted. "Oh, right. Like I'd forget _that_. They _have_ to have another movie after _that_ ending. Or non-ending, I should say. And how come Barbossa came back?"

"Ask Dad. He lived through this, remember. I was busy trying to be born."

"Lived? Speaking of _lived_, Uncle Jack _so_ can't be dead. No way, no how. And the _Pearl's_ still here, too. I know because I live on it!"

"I think the Kraken spat them back out. No doubt it had indigestion from all that eyeliner Uncle Jack wears," said Katie.

Lyn glared at her evil twin. "There is nothing wrong with guys in eyeliner."

A sudden pain racked Lyn's body. She stumbled and almost fell, but latched onto Jack's shoulder with a hand that was more like a claw than any human appendage. "Speakin' o' tryin' to be born," she gasped, "I think the baby's coming." Jack glanced from his wife's pale face to the puddle of water at his feet. Without hesitation, he scooped her into his arms and sprinted for the car.

By the time they got to the hospital, they had an escort of police cars. Not that the cops _meant_ to escort them. Really, they were trying to stop them. For breaking just about every traffic law known to man. "Sorry, my wife's having a baby," Jack said as he forced his way into the hospital with a grimacing Lyn leaning most of her weight onto his shoulder. "Ye okay, love? Does it hurt? When's the baby going to be born?"

"Give me a gun so I can shoot you," Lyn said through gritted teeth. She was rushed through the emergency room to the birthing ward. Most of the hospital was dark and quiet. It was, after all, three in the morning.

"As soon as this baby is born, I'm going to kill its father," Lyn announced to a rather amused doctor. "This hurts, damnit! I am _not_ going through this again. You hear me, Jack? You ever so much as _look_ at me, I'll put a bullet where it hurts the most. You'll be singing soprano with Uncle Will."

Jack was even paler than Lyn. He clutched her hand like a lifeline. "I don't suppose ye've got any rum?" he asked the doctor.

"She shouldn't be drinking alcohol at a time like this."

"I wasn't goin' to give it to _her_," Jack said. "The rum's for me!"

"I am so going to kick you for that when we get out of here."

"I love you, too, darlin'."

Three hours later, they heard a loud squall as the doctor brought the new Sparrow into the world. He handed her to her mother, who forgot all about her threats to the baby's father after one look into her daughter's eyes.

"So, what should I put on the birth certificate?" the doctor asked.

"Caribbean Sparrow," Lyn replied.

The doctor seemed to take the strange name in stride, although he did give her an odd look. He raised an eyebrow at Jack, who nodded. "What surname?"

"Sparrow is the surname," Lyn said. "Now write it down fast, before I eviscerate _you_."

Jack winced in sympathy. Eviscerate was one of the more pleasant things Lyn had threatened to do to him during the course of her labor.

For the first time, the doctor really looked at them, taking in their strange manner of dress. "I suppose you two just came from watching the premiere of that new pirate movie with Johnny Depp. Wasn't the pirate named Jack Sparrow?"

"Captain Jack Sparrow," Jack and Lyn corrected him at the same time.

"I think we should leave now, love," Jack suggested.

"No, you can't leave yet," the doctor protested. "We have to run tests, make sure the baby's healthy."

"Before one of us kills the good doctor," Jack added.

"My baby is perfectly healthy!" Lyn declared indignantly. "If Katie can give birth on a bloody island and be fine, then I can go home now." Looking around for something to use to cover baby Caribbean, Lyn settled on the bedsheets. "Now, I be leavin'. Ye got a problem wi' that, ye'd best keep it to yerself, or ye might end up dead. Savvy?"

The good doctor stepped aside to let them pass. Lyn held Jack's neck in a stranglehold to keep from falling, but she did manage to move her own feet.

Unfortunately, they'd forgotten about the police. "Put your hands in the air."

Only baby Caribbean obeyed. Lyn and Jack both reached for their pistols.

"It's okay, Officer, I'll handle this," someone said in a commanding tone. Jack looked at him. It was that guy with the strange hair again, Jack Murphy. This time he was dressed in a pirate costume. Green bandana, black leather coat, blue wrap pants, black fold-top boots. It didn't look quite right on him. Murphy approached them, ignoring their pistols. When he was close enough not to be overheard, he hissed, "I thought I told you two to keep a low profile."

"Sorry," Lyn hissed right back. "Anonymity is a foreign concept to us."

"These two are in possession of some highly classified information," Murphy informed the astonished cops. "If you don't mind, I'd like you to leave. Round up the civilians and get them out of danger."

Much to Lyn and Jack's surprise, the police did just that.

"Now, would you care to explain why you had to draw the attention of every single cop in Melbourne on your way here?" Murphy demanded.

"Lyn was havin' a baby," Jack explained.

Murphy looked from Jack to Lyn to Caribbean and back to Jack. Something flashed through his eyes—a hint of longing—then was gone as though it had never been. "Get back to your ship, kids. And I know this is difficult for you, but please try not to do anything stupid."

Lyn blinked. "You were quoting Jack. From the first movie."

"Paraphrasing, actually," Murphy corrected. "But yes. I do that. Bad habit."

Lyn smiled at Jack as they got into the car. "So. When can we have our next baby?"

Little Caribbean, tiring of them ignoring her, screamed at the top of her tiny lungs. Jack winced. "If I'm smart, not for another twenty years, at least."

"Well, I never accused you of being smart."

* * *

I'm still looking for suggestions for Paradox Cove. It'll probably be the next chapter. And I'd like people's opinion of Murphy. I'm developing him as a character for purely personal reasons. If you'd like to see more of him, say something, and I'll arrange for more scenes to include him. If not, he'll show up every once in a while, whenever I feel like adding him. If you're curious about him, I can include more of his history. But you'll have to tell me. I may be a genius and absolutely perfect in every way, but I can't read minds. Just kidding about the perfect part. ;-) 


	20. Paradox Cove

Into the Vortex

Chapter 20

Paradox Cove

Rachel: Okay, Budweiser Clydesdale. What's it look like? And you want to know Murphy's story? Okay, I'll see about including it. I really like Murphy. Not sure how soon his story will appear, though. I think I'm going to be keeping it kinda hidden for another year. Maybe just until Christmas. I'll drop hints.

A/N (8/8/06): Cave punos. (Beware of puns.)

"What have we here?" Captain Jack Senior, Senior, frowned at the small cove obscured from most views by palm trees and rock formations. Suddenly his face split into a smile. The cove would be perfect for smuggling. Moreover, it had room enough for all four—no, three—ships. Where _had_ Jonny gone? Probably back to the 18th century. No doubt with Norrington on his tail. That worthy hadn't appeared in quite a while, which could only mean he was nowhere in this time. He'd already shown that a hurricane wouldn't deter him; the Bermuda Triangle, while crazy, wasn't as bad as all that.

Regardless, all three ships could easily fit between the beach on one side and the cliff face on the other. That made it a perfect new base of operations. Uncle Jack hadn't been actively looking for a new base, but he kind of missed the Isla de Muerta, with its penchant for not being found. Too bad the island also had an Atlantis-like penchant for sinking into the ocean.

He thought back over how they had come to be here. Lyn, that damnably vexing girl who had somehow managed to ensnare his son, had come to him with, of all things, a treasure map. She said she'd found it in a Xanth novel, whatever that meant. The map she had showed only how to get to the island, which could only be found by those who weren't looking for it. Or those who'd already been there.

At this point one might ask how Uncle Jack and crew had found it, since the existence of the map meant they were obviously looking for the island. But the thing was, Lyn had said the map led to a port town like Tortuga. Only once the island was in sight did she admit that it was a treasure map, and that another map would lead them to the buried treasure.

Somewhere toward the aft of the ship, Jack Junior was trying to explain to Lyn that the second map, hidden somewhere on the island, would be as difficult to find as the treasure itself. Assuming the treasure existed. After all, what use did a pirate have for burying treasure? Real pirates spent gold as quickly as they earned it. "But it's part of Xanth," Lyn insisted loud enough for Uncle Jack to hear her. "Things are different there."

Uncle Jack steered the ship into the cove. "Paradox Cove," Lyn announced, staring at her map. She, her daughter Cari, Jack Junior, Kyra, Bard Woggle, Corwin, Uncle Jack, and Anamaria disembarked on one of the jolly boats. They met Aunt Sammy, Toby, Jenny, Sam, Becky, Katie, Trey, and Billy on the beach. The first thing they noticed was a strange cottage whose front face was in the shape of a female wolf. The sign above the door read "Bitchfront Cottage." Beside it was a small nut-shaped hut labeled the "Tiki Nut." There were various other strange dwellings as well.

An islander approached Trey. "If I am not mistaken, Santa Claus exists."

"Who's Santa Claus?" Trey asked.

"Remember last year? We played Santa Claus," Lyn said.

"Saint Nicholas," Katie added. "He gave gifts to poor people on Christmas. Now he's a jolly fellow with a bulbous nose who wears a red suit and gives gifts to children. He doesn't really exist."

"But if I'm not mistaken, he does exist," said the islander.

"Okay," said Lyn. "I'll agree with that. _If_ you're not mistaken, Santa Claus exists."

"So you agree: what I said was correct."

"Sure."

"Then I am not mistaken."

"If you say so."

"If I am not mistaken, then Santa Claus exists. I am not mistaken. Therefore, Santa Claus exists."

Santa popped into existence, sweating and cursing. "How'd I get here?" he demanded. "I was just on the north pole!"

Katie, unfazed, proceeded to explain the problem with the logic that had brought him here. "Ah, but you see, you are mistaken. What you said at first was perfectly correct, but not all of your assumptions, notably Santa's existence, were correct. Therefore, you were mistaken."

Santa disappeared.

Aunt Sammy suddenly cried out. "Tobias! What the bloody hell are you doing here?"

Tobias Carter—Aunt Sammy's husband and the father of Toby and Sam—stumbled down the beach in a very tattered navy uniform. "Oh, thank goodness. Familiar faces."

"Well?" Aunt Sammy placed her hands on her hips. "I'm waiting for an explanation."

"There was a storm. Norrington was convinced you were the cause, and ordered us to sail through it. I was swept overboard, and wound up here."

"Pardon me for asking, but isn't that a navy uniform?" Becky asked.

"Aye," Sam replied.

"So are we going to take him prisoner?"

"No, love. That's me dad." He raised his voice. "Dad! Toby an' I would like ye to meet our new brides. This is Becky an' that's Jenny. Girls, meet our father, Captain Tobias Carter o' the Royal Navy."

"I guess I don't need to ask why I wasn't invited to the wedding," Tobias said as he bowed to the ladies.

"The invitation got lost in the mail," Toby replied.

"Of course it did."

"So where's Norrington now?" Uncle Jack asked. "I haven't seen 'im in a while, an' I'm gettin' a bit edgy."

"I don't know, Jack. Be edgy for a while longer. It might do you some good."

"I never did like him," Uncle Jack remarked to Aunt Sammy.

Aunt Sammy rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know."

It wasn't long before they were approached by another islander. "I can prove that one equals negative one," he announced.

Katie pierced him with a look. "Very well. Go ahead."

Tobias covered his ears and hummed.

Writing in the sand, the islander explained, "Start with negative one equals negative one. Convert each side into vulgar fractions, leaving -1/1 1/-1. Apply square root to each side, giving you sqrt -1/1 sqrt 1/-1. The square root of a fraction equals the square root of the numerator divided by the square root of the denominator, so sqrt(-1)/sqrt(1) sqrt(1)/sqrt(-1). Cross multiplication gives you sqrt(-1) times sqrt(-1) sqrt(1) times sqrt(1). Combine the factors to get negative one equals one."

Lyn cocked her head. "There's a flaw in there somewhere, but I can't see it. I'll have to remember that one."

Katie, as always, had to spoil the fun. "The principle that the square root of x over y equals the square root of x over the square root of y is only applicable when y is a positive number. Thus, your proof is invalid."

"Oh, go suck a lemon," Lyn told her.

Katie smiled briefly, recognizing the reference. "Unlike Dr. McKay, I am not violently allergic to citrus."

"Well, fine! In that case, go kiss a shark."

"I can probe that two equals one," another islander, this one female, announced.

Both Lyn and Katie rolled their eyes. Together, they said, "So can I."

"One two three four five six seven eight nine ten jinx," Lyn said.

"I am a jinx," Katie replied.

Lyn stuck out her tongue at her evil twin.

The islander, ignoring the two girls, proceeded to prove that one equaled two. "Let a equal b. Both of them non-zero."

Uncle Jack groaned and clutched his head. Toby paid rapt attention.

"Multiply both sides by a, so you get a squared equals ab. Subtract b squared, and factor. This gives you (a – b)(a + b) b(a – b). Divide by (a – b)—"

"Which is zero," Katie interrupted.

The islander glared at her. "—which leaves a + b b. Since a b, you can substitute a for b, obtaining the result b + b b, or 2b b. Divide by nonzero quantity b to get two equals one."

Katie rolled her eyes. "Or you could subtract b from both sides to get a 0, thus proving that all numbers are equal to zero."

Suddenly, all the islanders disappeared.

Lyn looked at Katie. "Did you do that?"

"Must have."

They continued up the beach until they found a hotel. Well, two hotels, really. Both had an infinite number of rooms, and both were full. Toby, always the prankster, conjured up a tornado that destroyed one of the hotels, leaving an infinite number of people without rooms.

The people panicked. What would they do now? There certainly wasn't enough room for them elsewhere on the island.

Of all people, Katie came to the rescue. "I know this paradox, too," she explained. "All you have to do is move everyone in the other hotel to the room that is two times their current room number. That will leave an infinite number of odd rooms available."

The pirates continued on their way, only to run into a posse straight out of the Wild West, complete with smoking six-guns. They surrounded the pirates and escorted them to an old jail.

Kyra frowned at the rusty bars. "They're not shiny."

"No, they're not," Katie agreed absently. She and the others were busy trying to find a weakness in the bars.

"Hey!" Lyn yelled at the guard. "I demand to know what our crime is!"

"Better to ask what it wasn't," Trey commented.

"I demand a lawyer!" Lyn continued. "I have a right to legal counsel, no matter what my crime. Gideon vs. Wainwright—what year was that?"

"Nineteen sixty-three," Katie replied. "While she's busy making demands, let me add one of my own. Sixth amendment right to a fair and speedy trial."

"Isn't the right to know the accusation part of the sixth amendment, too?" Lyn asked.

"That's right."

"Well?" Lyn demanded of the guard. "What's our crime?"

"Horse theft," the guard replied.

"Horse theft? But wait, we haven't stolen any horses. I mean, not in over a year. And they already put us on trial for that."

"You've been accused of horse theft, and you're to hang next week. Judge's orders."

"But we haven't been in front of a judge!"

The guard ignored the protest. "What's more, the exact day of your hanging will be a surprise."

Kyra frowned. "But that's impossible. See, we can't be hanged on Friday—"

Katie clapped her hand over the girl's mouth. "Obviously, we're to be hanged on Monday. Gives us less time to figure out the judge's psychology and guess which day he'll choose to hang us."

Since Katie was the resident genius, the others believed her. They were quite surprised when they weren't hanged on Monday. Except for Lyn. She just shrugged. "Well, obviously, rare as such an occurrence is, Katie was wrong. I think we'll be hanged tomorrow. See, Tuesday is the most random day of the week. Monday is the beginning, Wednesday is the middle, and Thursday and Friday are the end. The judge would want to choose the most random day, so he'll be most likely to surprise us." When no one else was watching, she and Katie exchanged a wink.

Tuesday came and went without incident. Uncle Jack spent the entire day trying to pick the lock with various implements from Katie's pocketknife, which was the only weapon they had left among them.

"These ladies aren't looking at it right," Corwin said. "I've heard this paradox before. The prisoner's supposed to convince himself he can't be hanged because it won't be a surprise, then they come for him on Wednesday. We're in a place full of paradoxes; they're going to try to hang us tomorrow."

He was right. The very next day, the posse came to escort the very unsurprised pirates to the gallows. Lyn protested. "But we're not surprised." Well, she'd been surprised. A little. So had Katie, but she'd just put on her Killer expression to hide it. "The sentence was that we were to be treated to a surprise hanging." So they had to escort them back to the jail. Only, now that the paradox had been beaten, the posse, jail, and gallows all disintegrated.

"I think it's time to get out of here before we lose what little sanity we have left," Corwin suggested.

Lyn and Kyra exchanged a glance. "That would be a bad thing?"

Uncle Jack sighed. "Aye, it would. The vampire's right. Let's leave. However, we'll be back."

Just a few puns, for any Xanth fans in the audience. From my hallway in Duke TIP 2002, Paradise Cove. I lived in a room called the Beachfront Cottage, another room was called the Tiki Hut, etc.


	21. Vampires, Mohawks, and a Holey Coat

Into the Vortex

Chapter 21

Vampires, Mohawks, and a Holey Coat

A/N (8/11/06): Just so you don't think I've forgotten about Herald Lyndsay and her vampire-hunting boyfriend.

A/N (8/13/06): I don't know why I bother continuing this story. No one's reading it anyways. And even fewer people are reviewing it. Not even Joe, whom I really need to kill. I know where he lives, too…

Rachel: About the Clydesdale. You got it. Now to figure out which chapter…I wonder, can a Clydesdale fit in a Cessna? 'Cause then they could fly him up to Virginia…that's where you live, right?

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"No. I absolutely forbid it."

"But Evan, I've got just as much experience fighting crazy psycho bad-guys as you."

"No! Lyndsay, you're carrying my child."

Well, she couldn't refute that. Her guess was that it had occurred due to a little celebration of their own after Lyn and Katie's 18th birthday party. But just because she was pregnant didn't mean she was weak.

"If you won't marry me, the least you can do is make sure the baby is safe."

Herald Lyndsay rolled her eyes. "We've been over this before. I'm not going to marry you out of some misguided sense of duty. That's no reason to marry. And I'm going with you."

Evan Faber gave her his most pleading expression. "Please. Stay here. I've got a bad feeling about tonight."

It was the pleading that convinced her. He really did care for her. He just didn't love her. And she refused to marry without love. "Alright. I'll stay. But be careful. If you get yourself killed, I'll have your guts for garters."

It struck Evan that she could actually carry out that threat. It wasn't a normal hysterical "If you die, I'll kill you." Assuming that he died from a gunshot wound or vampire bite, his guts would still be in good enough condition for her to use as garters. Rather gruesome practice, though. Someday he'd have to ask her if pirates actually did that, or if they just threatened. "Hold down the fort." He kissed her and left.

This night, the streets were oddly quiet. None of the usual night-crawlers were about. Had someone chased them away? Or, perhaps, it was a some_thing_.

Gunshots exploded in the still night air. Evan hurried toward their source. He had never been one to shrink from danger. Thus the night job as a vampire slayer.

He slipped into the alley where the shots had been fired, clutching his gun. It was loaded with iron bullets—bloodsuckers were allergic to the stuff—but would have to do against whatever foe he now faced. Six men surrounded another man. Another shot was fired, striking the victim in the chest. He fell backwards. Evan noted absently that he was some sort of punk. He had a mohawk and a trench coat.

What had happened here? A drug deal gone wrong? Whatever it was, the guy was probably dead already. Evan could, perhaps, neutralize his assailants and call an ambulance.

The figure in the trench coat stood back up. "Ye fecking idiots, ye've gone and ruined me coat!" he accused in a lilting Irish accent. "Die, bastards!" He fired six shots. All six of his attackers dropped to the ground, dead. He limped toward the nearest one—to check ID? No; he was holding the body at the wrong angle. In fact, he was drinking the dead man's blood!

Evan leveled his gun at the vampire. "Don't move, bloodsucker."

The vampire froze, muttering something that sounded like a curse.

"Drop the gun."

The vampire complied.

"Now turn around, slowly. Keep your hands where I can see them."

Light shone through the holes that now riddled his black trench coat. He kept his arms spread as he turned. From the way he acted, he was familiar with this procedure. More familiar than Evan himself. "Hello, Faber." His accent now was definitely American. No hint of Irish. It made Evan wonder if perhaps he'd been hearing things. "I'm on government business. Why don't you put the gun down and we'll talk this over like reasonable sentient beings?"

Evan noted that he didn't try to claim to be human. Too many vampires did. It was rather irksome. "What government business?" Evan asked, not believing him for a minute.

"That would be classified."

_Yeah, right._ "And I'm just supposed to take your word for that?"

The vampire shrugged. "Well, if you like, you could shoot me. I'd really rather you didn't—no doubt your bullets are made of Cold Iron—but the option is there. Just to warn you, though, you might not like the results."

Typical vampire bravado. As if anything the bloodsucker said could intimidate him. "And why not? Oh, let me guess. That's also classified."

"Actually, no. Just private. There are some things the government does not need to know."

"Like the fact that you're a vampire?" Evan guessed.

"I'm only one-eighth vampire, actually. And no, the government doesn't need to know about vampires. Or any other magical beings."

"So how does it know about vampire slayers?" If the vampire really did have government connections, that might explain how he'd recognized Evan. Evan certainly hadn't seen this particular vampire before. He'd have remembered a vampire with a mohawk.

"It doesn't," the vampire replied. He failed to go into further detail.

"Then how, exactly, do you know who I am?"

"Well, Faber, although for the most part you've made a good showing of yourself, you have made a few mistakes. A human friend of mine tipped me off."

"Friend or thrall?" He really should just shoot the man and get it over with; but this was the first bit of real information the vampire had let slip. Well, other than the fact that he wasn't a full vampire, but that could be a lie. Now the bloodsucker was claiming to have a human friend. That could, possibly, mean that he was a good vampire. But the human could just as well be his thrall, forced to do his bidding. Vampire mind-control was a powerful thing. Or the vampire could be making it up.

"_Friend_. Nobody holds Kerry in thrall. If you so much as suggest otherwise, she'll rip off your balls and make you eat them."

"And she knows what you are?" It wasn't unheard of for humans to befriend vampires—take Lyndsay's friend Bard Woggle and the vampire Corwin Vespers—but it was unusual. Although if the human was as violent as the vampire had implied, perhaps it wasn't so surprising that she would go around befriending bloodsuckers.

"Ah, no. Kerry doesn't believe in magic." He frowned. "At least, she didn't. But no, she doesn't know that I'm part vampire." Something about the way he said it made Evan curious. What did this Kerry know about the vampire? "Truth is, she was complaining about you. Seems you mistook her for a vampire and tried to hunt her down. Not that I blame you. If she has a soul, it has yet to make an appearance."

Oh. That Kerry. She'd had fangs, for crying out loud! What was he supposed to think? "She hissed at me. She may not be a vampire, but she's still a menace to society."

"She is also my friend," the vampire said. Was that a growl coming from deep in his throat?

"She almost killed me."

"Kerry doesn't almost kill anyone. She's too good for that. If she wants you dead, you'll die."

"Still, I'm not too keen on your choice of friends."

"Oh yeah? What about your own friends? Your girlfriend was arrested and almost shot for terrorism. She only survived because her pirate friends mounted a rescue. Or didn't you know about that?"

Evan could take insults against his own honor, but insults against Lyndsay's he wouldn't stand. He pulled the trigger.

The bullet struck home. It tore through the trench coat and hit the vampire in the chest. The vampire stumbled back a pace…and the bullet dropped harmlessly to the ground. The vampire cursed in what seemed to be Gaelic. He stalked toward Evan. Evan was too shocked to react until the vampire tore the gun out of his hands. "You put another hole in my coat, you bloody bastard. I should shoot you for that."

_Well, that explains the bad feeling I had._ Evan grabbed a handful of aconite from his pocket and threw it in the vampire's face. Like all vampire hunters, he kept a good supply of the stuff. Unlike garlic, it actually worked to repel vampires.

Coughing, the vampire stumbled back, still clutching Evan's gun. In a heartbeat, he was engulfed in flame. The aconite burned along with him.

_What is this, a B movie? Vampires aren't supposed to go up in flames!_

As suddenly as it had appeared, the fire vanished. The vampire stood there, untouched.

"What _are_ you?" Evan demanded. This was no ordinary vampire, that was for sure. Maybe these strange abilities had something to do with the other seven-eighths of his make-up.

"I'm a daywalker."

"That's not what I meant." Daywalker was just a kind of vampire. Evan had encountered them before. Mostly he left them alone. Daywalkers were vampires with souls. Apollo had no grudge against them—he just didn't like soulless beings—so they were able to bear sunlight. However, most daywalkers couldn't walk through fire unscathed.

"I know, but it's all the answer you're going to get."

Well. The vampire was no more forthcoming now that he had the upper hand. "I suppose now you're going to gloat for a while because you've caught me." _Just come a little closer, bloodsucker. Just a little closer and you'll never again see the light of day._

"No, not really." Much to Evan's surprise, the vampire handed him his pistol. "I've never really been one to gloat. One thing, though—leave Jacques Dumond and his crew alone. Kerry won't take it too kindly if you kill her boyfriend. And you won't change her mind by telling her what he is. She already knows." He muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "And I'm surprised she hasn't killed him herself."

"The Menace to Society hooked up with the Slayer?"

"Someday, someone is going to have to explain that Slayer thing to me. I just don't get it. Bye!" The vampire ran off, leaving Evan even more worried than before.

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_:He's taken her.:_

"What?" Evan looked around wildly, trying to see who had spoken. Slowly it penetrated that the words had been in his head. He turned to find himself looking into the bluest eyes he'd ever seen. "Lyrna?"

_:Yes, it's me:_ Lyrna replied impatiently. _:How many other Companions do you know:_

"You've never spoken to me before."

_:Trust me, I wouldn't now, either, but this is an emergency. One of your vampires took Lyndsay.:_

Evan let loose a string of curses that peeled the paint on the nearest wall. Or maybe the paint was just old. "Can you take me to her?"

_:Can you ride:_

Evan leapt onto Lyrna's back, and they were off.

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"What are you going to do to me?" Lyndsay asked, trying to keep the vampire distracted while she checked for weaknesses in her bindings.

"Well, after your lover nobly sacrifices himself for your freedom, I'll drink you dry." A short pause. "You _do_ know what I am, don't you?"

Okay, like that was supposed to frighten her. "You're a vampire."

"Very good."

"You're not going to get Evan. He knows your kind too well." While she spoke, Lyndsay once again tried to use her Fetching gift to knock something against the vampire's head.

"You may as well stop trying to use your psychic gifts. I'm much more powerful than you."

"Yeah, I was just noticing that." Not for the first time, Lyndsay wished she had even a smidgeon of Mage-Gift. As far as she could tell, the vampire could only block psychic channels; true magic would still work. "I wonder, do you vampires all know each other? For instance, have you ever met a vampire named Corwin Vespers? Used to be part of the crew of the _Morning Star_, under a Captain Jacques Dumond?" Now she was just babbling.

The vampire hissed. "You know the Slayer?"

"Who? Vespers?"

In a voice full of hatred, the vampire said, "No. Dumond."

"Nope," Lyndsay said cheerfully, still searching for a weakness in the bindings. "Never met him. My friend has, though. Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you go after him and leave Evan alone? In fact, rumor has it Dumond has found his Redeemer. You could get double the revenge by killing her first." From the fourth-hand information that came to her (through Captain Dumond, Corwin, and Bard Woggle), the new girlfriend who might or might not be Dumond's Redeemer was more than capable of taking care of herself, as well as anyone she decided to place under her protection.

"What would Faber's girlfriend know about revenge?"

"I used to be a pirate. I know a lot about revenge." As if those two statements were really connected. Pirates were out for profit. Revenge tended to be too costly for them to undertake it seriously. Sure, they'd beat/whip/starve their prisoners in retaliation, but they didn't usually search people out in order to get back at them.

"Good. Then you should understand why I can't let you go."

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"You sure she's in there?" Evan whispered in Lyrna's ear, peering at the one-storey modern-style house. Most vampires went for the old-fashioned Gothic-type structures—added to the image.

_:Of course I'm sure:_ Lyrna replied.

"Can you contact her?"

_:No, the vampire has her blocked.:_

"But you can still sense her?"

_:If you must know, I can sense _him_. Now quit stalling, boy. Get your butt in there and rescue my girl:_

Evan slid to the ground. The lights were on. He checked out a couple of the windows. Nah, too difficult. Probably squeaked, too. He opened the front door and walked inside. Right into the vampire.

"Faber," the vampire said, startled. He backed away a couple steps. "You're early. I wasn't expecting you until dusk."

Okay, might as well try to bluff his way through this one. "Let Lyndsay go." _Come closer, you bloodsucking bastard._

"Of course, of course. Just as soon as I'm sure you cannot escape." The vampire took a step toward Evan. He took out a gun and pointed it at Evan's heart. "Now hand over your weapon."

Evan carefully took out his own gun and dropped it on the floor. But when the vampire told him to hand over his aconite, he flung the stuff in the bloodsucker's face. While the vampire went into a sneezing fit, Evan stabbed him through the heart with a quick-release blade he kept hidden in his sleeve. "Lyndsay?" he called, praying he would get an answer. _Please, God, don't let me be too late._

"Evan?" Lyndsay called back. Evan followed the sound of her voice. He found her bound, although the bonds looked rather loose and frayed. "Oh, hi. Thanks for the rescue. Mind giving me a hand?"

Evan cut loose the bonds and kissed her, hard. "Thank God you're safe. Don't you ever scare me like that again."

"Hey, don't worry. The baby's fine."

"I wasn't worried about the baby. I was worried about you. I love you, Lyndsay."

"Yeah, you say that now."

"I mean it."

"What if there was no baby? Would you still want to marry me then?"

"Of course I would."

"Alright, I'll marry you. On one condition. We're partners. Equals. No Lyndsay stays at home while Evan goes to face the bad guys."

"Sure," Evan agreed quickly. Too quickly. "In fact, I think we should both stay home, at least until the baby is born."

"You think that?"

"Yeah." He had a bit of research to do, on vampires who could burst into flame.

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Three guesses as to who the first vampire was.


	22. Talk Like a Pirate Day

Into the Vortex

Chapter 22

Talk Like a Pirate Day

Disclaimer: Talk Like a Pirate Day really exists; it's not something from my twisted imagination. September 19. Put it on your calendar.

Question: Is anyone other than Rachel actually reading this story?

Rachel: Oh, come on. Think harder. The mohawk really should have given it away. Who else do we know who has a mohawk? I'll give you a hint: he's one of my original characters. And do you want more vampires? 'Cause I can put in more vampires, if you really want.

A/N (8/15/2006): The end is in sight! This random adventure in plotlessness will soon be over. Well, within the next year. But fear not! For there is a third installment of Chaos in the Caribbean, to be called "Really Bad Eggs."

A/N (8/16/06): There's a song called "Talk Like a Pirate Day." Sung by Tom Smith. You've probably never heard of him. He sings filk.

A/N (8/25/06): Today was the first meeting of the Pirate Club this semester. Woot for rum and coke goodness. And hot guys in Lucky 13 pirate shirts. Oh, and I dyed my hair black a few days ago. Sang my song, "A Pirate's Life for Me," at the Open Mic. "Oh dear Mother, oh don't you cry for me, for I've gone to be a pirate on the Caribbean Sea." I've got this new shirt I'm wearing, it says "Pirates, Ye Be Warned," and "A curse upon those who dare trespass." And it has a skull with a tricorn hat, and a drawring of a key. I love it.

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"Everybody stay calm," Uncle Jack said, aiming his pistol in the general direction of the crowd.

"We are taking over the store," Lyn finished for him.

He glared at her. Bloody girl. At least she'd stopped stealing his hat. He brought his hand to said article of headwear to make sure it was still there.

There were in Wal-Mart on the morning of September 19, which perhaps explains why no one panicked. It was, after all, Talk Like a Pirate Day; they probably assumed the weapons were fake. That is, until Katie shot out the lights. _Then_ everyone decided to panic.

Kyra made a bee-line for the candy aisle—well, really more like a butterfly-line, flitting from place to place. She was easily distracted. "Hey, look, it's a picture of Junior and Trey!" She pointed at the posters.

"Everybody freeze!" yelled Bard Woggle. Since she was a Bard, she had a strong set of lungs. It may have been the sheer volume of her voice that caused all the shoppers to stop in their tracks (the cashiers were already frozen in place). Or perhaps it was the bullet Corwin fired to emphasize his girlfriend's order.

"Just do as we say, an' no one'll get hurt," Uncle Jack assured the terrified customers.

"Everyone, get yerself to the center o' the store," commanded Uncle Sam. "Samantha, me girl, check to make sure there's no one hidin'. Tobias, wipe that disgusted expression off yer face an' check for weapons. Toby, Sam, take yer wives an' search for loot."

Uncle Jack barked off orders of his own. "Junior, yer in charge o' gettin' beer. After this, we'll go on a rum run. Lyn, get food." He didn't want her anywhere near his alcohol. "Kyra—Kyra? Oh, there you are, love. No, don't drop the shiny; put it in a cart. Oh, dear. That much sugar can't be good for her. Lyn! Forget food, watch Kyra. Corwin, you get food. The non-bloody kind. Try not to smear your sunscreen all over it. Bard Woggle, you're with me. Anamaria, darling, take whatever you like."

Something furry leapt from a shelf to his head. He turned around to see Gypsy taking off with his hat. "Lyn! If your cat doesn't return my hat before we leave this store, I'll shoot her."

Will would have been telling his crew what to do, except Katie beat him to it. "Trey, you help Captain Carter with the prisoners. Billy, follow your Uncle Jack and make sure he doesn't drink more beer than he steals."

"Gaa," her son agreed, crawling toward the beer aisle.

"Good boy. I'll be looking at the knives." She turned her attention to their prisoners. "The definition of a hero is someone who gets other people killed. Anyone tries anything stupid, I won't just have your guts for garters, I'll keelhaul you and sting you up from the yardarm. And yes, I do have a keel and a yardarm at my disposal."

"Arr!" some idiot said. There's always an idiot who says "Arr" to everyone dressed as a pirate. Usually there are several. One can only assume that the others were wise enough not to tempt fate.

"And the next person who says 'Arr' is going to get a bullet through his brain. Savvy?"

In this efficient manner, the pirates ransacked Wal-Mart. Katie grabbed rifled from the rifle case and handed them out, along with supplies of ammo. "Don't worry, I'm eighteen," she assured the terrified sales clerk. Thirty minutes later, they were all gathered together at the front of the store. Except—

"Where's Billy?" Trey asked.

"With Junior," Katie replied absently, busy inventing new pockets in which to store her pocketknives. A rifle was slung casually over her shoulder. From her movements, she'd forgotten it was there.

Bits of song drifted toward them. "Yo ho, yo ho, it's talk like a pirate day. When laptops are benches God gave us for wenches and a sail ain't a low price to pay. When timbers are shivered and lilies are livered and every last buckle is swashed. We'll abandon our cars for a ship full of 'Arrs,' and pound back the grog 'til we're sloshed. Yo ho!"

With a growl, Katie stormed toward the beer aisle. "Billy! You were supposed to be watching your Uncle Jack."

"Uca Jack," Billy burped.

"'Ere, mate. 'Ave some more beer."

Katie grabbed the bottle of beer from Jack's hand. "How dare you try to get my son drunk!"

"Well, I admit, this stuff's not as good as rum, but the kid has to drink sometime."

"O ho," Billy giggled. "Eek up, marty, o ho!"

"It's 'Drink up, me hearties, yo ho,' kid."

Katie slapped Jack. "Now put the beer in a cart and join us at the exit, or we'll leave you here to be picked up by the police." She took Billy into her arms and returned to where the others waited.

When Jack finally stumbled into view, Lyn glared at him, said, "Corrupt your own child, Jack," and handed his daughter to him.

"Oh! I, uh, oh. Right, love." He held Cari very carefully. "I'm really no' as drunk as I look," he assured the infant.

"No, of course not," Katie said scathingly. "You were just dropped on your head as a child. No doubt when your father was drunk. As for you, young man," she said to her son, "you were supposed to be watching that man to make sure he stayed out of trouble."

"Bu' why's ru' go'?" Billy asked. Jack winked at him. Katie growled.

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"Jes' hand over the rum an' no one gets hurt," Katie said, pointing her pistol at the counter boy in the liquor store. "Oh, an' the mead. Ye got any mead?"

"You're crazy, lady!" the boy said, staring down the barrel of the gun. "This isn't Halloween."

"No, it's Talk Like a Pirate Day."

"La'to's awe be'ches Go' ga'e us fo' wenshes," Billy declared. Then he winked at baby Cari.

"Katie, tell yer son to behave 'imself," Lyn demanded.

"Oh? It's not me fault yer husband corrupted me son!"

Billy giggled. "Uca Jack. Uca Jack."

"Tha's right, Billy. I'm yer Uncle Jack." Jack tousled Billy's hair.

"Uca Jack."

"So where's the rum?" Katie asked as she cocked the hammer.

"Fine! Take the rum! But I'll need to see some ID."

"I'm eighteen, an' they don't have ID. Get over it."

"I found the rum," Uncle Jack announced.

"Great. Lyn, get the mead."

But Lyn was too busy testing out whether Jack's lap top was really a bench made for entertaining wenches.

Katie made a face. "Oh, get a cabin. Fine, I'll find the mead myself."

"D'u'k o' aiwe oah d'u'k o' mea'," sang Billy. ("Drunk on ale or drunk on mead.")

"Lyn!" Katie yelled. "You've been corrupting my son, too, haven't you?"

"Who, me?"

"Don't give me that look. I recognize that song. It's 'Odin Loves the Little Vikings.'"

"So?"

"So, it's filk. He couldn't have heard it on some street corner, and I sure didn't teach it to him."

"Are you done here?" asked the counter boy. "Because I've got customers."

"Aye, we be done," Katie said. "I found the mead. All two bottles o' the stuff. C'mon, mates. Let's go."

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"…I'm knowin' the pull of the sea. The fresh salty brace of the wind on my face through hurricane, sunshine, and squalls…"

"…And maybe we'll never get closer than seeing them on the big screen. So here's to old Errol and Depp as Jack Sparrow—"

"_Captain_ Jack Sparrow."

"—and every damn one in between!"

They clanked glasses and drank deeply of the rum.

"…Avast there, me hearty, we're having a party, it's Talk Like a Pirate Day!"

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Please review? With puppy-dog eyes and Captain Morgan rum?


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